Hello there, first of all, we'd like to thank you all in advance for your time ,opinions,comments,advice, and thoughts regarding our plan to finally live together in the US!
Me(19F) and my fiancé(21M) have done alot of research and there has been alot of change in plans along with it, because we always stumble upon plans that seems better, faster, more affordable,and less stressful, and we ended up wasting nearly two years trying to figure it out. And finally, this is the plan that we think is possible and most suitable for our current situation.
Before i explain the plan, let me first explain our current situation :
I am 19,i live in Indonesia, and i live alone in a Girl Dorm because i moved out and have cut ties from my mentally abusive family that would attempt to seriously harm me. i am unemployed and my fiance is the one that covers all my financial needs ever since i moved out of the house.
And for my Fiance,he is 21 years old, and lives in California US. He is currently employed and earning minimum wage. He lives in a rented apartment along with his mother and Two siblings (both under 21).
We cant get married in Indonesia, since theres only religious marriage & i will need my legal guardian or parents for marriage approval.
I cant visit him to the US since theres too high of a chance of my US visitor visa getting rejected.
And i will explain our plan down below :
I will apply for a Mexico tourist Visa for myself (19F) in Indonesia, one of the main requirements for the Visa is financial proof, this will require us to wait for 3 Months while having around 3,200$ USD saved in my bank account.
Get married Legally Married in mexico. The reason we chose mexico to get married in is because mexico doesnt require a person above 18 to have parental/legal guardian's approval, nor for a person to have the same religion to get legally married, other than that, it is easy for him to travel to mexico since he also has families there. The plane ticket from indonesia to mexico is very expensive for us though.
Apply for a CR1 spousal visa. I heard that CR1 visa grants you a temporary greencard, and this is great for me since i want to go to work as soon as i can to help with our financial needs.
So that is basically the summary of our plan, what do you think about it? Please feel free to share your thoughts, suggestions,opinions,advices, and comments! 😄

I (29M) royally screwed up. I’ve been with my GF (28F) for a few months now and it’s been a lot of uncertainty from the start, but it’s the first time I’ve loved in several years and I’m putting in more effort than I ever have before to be the best man I can be and be faithful and committed.
However, there have been times where I become ultra paranoid of her male friendships due to unfaithful previous relationships I’ve had (though they were over 5 years ago now, I’m still a little fucked up from it, and I’ve found it very hard to open up and trust people)
For some context of this last instance, she went to brunch with her guy friend to the cute diner that we’ve said is ‘ours’ (I know, corny, but enough to upset me). And the plans were last minute, following a night where she was supposed to come over my place and didn’t.
Although we have talked about some of her friendships enough lately that I think I finally hit a point of giving all my trust and throwing away my worries. Based on how much time we spend and how comfortable/vulnerable she lets herself be with me, and our latest discussion, I actually felt the most comfortable about it all. (This discussion happened today, and I realized I was overreacting/being paranoid. Had a sort of ‘ah-ha’ moment when I put together that she is as genuine as I’d hoped).
But by the end of the day, after a long and cute day of fun activities, when she fell asleep, I had the terrible urge to creep through her phone and looked at the conversation between her and her friend….just to verify if this newfound feeling of comfort was plausible. And it was - it was totally benign and innocent - BUT I accidentally called him….. I hung up immediately and deleted the call from history. And that’s all I need to know that I made the worst move possible. It’s a matter of time now before he inquired about the missed call and I’m in nearly physical pain thinking about ruining the greatest thing that’s happened to me in years because I’m too damn insecure.
She is currently sleeping. I’m not sure how to proceed. My instinct are telling me that honesty is the best policy, telling her and apologizing when she wakes up… However I acknowledge that when she learns of this breach in trust , i will likely have no retribution. I can’t stomach that this slip up will ruin this, it’s the first time in so long I’ve felt this way towards anybody.
Do I wait for her to find out, or bring it up to her? I’m a wreck and can’t even sleep with now.
Also before it’s said, I plan on going to therapy.
Please help me make this right.

Hello there, first of all, we'd like to thank you all in advance for your time ,opinions,comments,advice, and thoughts regarding our plan to finally live together in the US!
Me(19F) and my fiancé(21M) have done alot of research and there has been alot of change in plans along with it, because we always stumble upon plans that seems better, faster, more affordable,and less stressful, and we ended up wasting nearly two years trying to figure it out. And finally, this is the plan that we think is possible and most suitable for our current situation.
Before i explain the plan, let me first explain our current situation :
I am 19,i live in Indonesia, and i live alone in a Girl Dorm because i moved out and have cut ties from my mentally abusive family that would attempt to seriously harm me. i am unemployed and my fiance is the one that covers all my financial needs ever since i moved out of the house.
And for my Fiance,he is 21 years old, and lives in California US. He is currently employed and earning minimum wage. He lives in a rented apartment along with his mother and Two siblings (both under 21).
We cant get married in Indonesia, since theres only religious marriage & i will need my legal guardian or parents for marriage approval.
I cant visit him to the US since theres too high of a chance of my US visitor visa getting rejected.
And i will explain our plan down below :

1. I will apply for a Mexico tourist Visa for myself (19F) in Indonesia, one of the main requirements for the Visa is financial proof, this will require us to wait for 3 Months while having around 3,200$ USD saved in my bank account.
   
2. Get married Legally Married in mexico. The reason we chose mexico to get married in is because mexico doesnt require a person above 18 to have parental/legal guardian's approval, nor for a person to have the same religion to get legally married, other than that, it is easy for him to travel to mexico since he also has families there. The plane ticket from indonesia to mexico is very expensive for us though.
   
3. Apply for a CR1 spousal visa. I heard that CR1 visa grants you a temporary greencard, and this is great for me since i want to go to work as soon as i can to help with our financial needs.
   

So that is basically the summary of our plan, what do you think about it? Please feel free to share your thoughts, suggestions,opinions,advices, and comments! 😄

I've been cross-dressing my whole life. As a kid I love to put on my mother's and sister's clothing and wigs, I like the feeling that I get when I have long hair and pretending myself as a pop star.
Fast forward, I'm a 28-year-old gay male now, living far away from my family allows me to buy my clothing.
Yesterday, I found this hot guy on Grindr who's interested with crossdressers and trans women, out of curiosity I texted this guy and sent a couple of photos of me in a sexy dress, I didn't think he would like me because I still far away from looking like a real woman. But I was surprised that he liked me and was so into me, he was willing to come to pick me up, book a hotel, and everything, it felt so good, I feel validated.
So then we decided to meet up the next evening. I was so excited. I bought a new slurry short black dress, pair of heels, a bra and a lace thong, and a set of make-up (I never did my make-up before). At home, I was so happy, nervous, and turn on at the same time. I learned to do my makeup on YouTube.
It was time for our meet-up, I drove to his house. He welcomed me at the front. I asked him to change and prepare myself in the bathroom. It took me 1 hour to get ready (damn now I know how it feels why girls take so long to get ready). He checked on me because it took me so long in the bathroom when I was putting on my dress, I asked him to help zip the back of my dress, and he looked at me with full admiration and said I was pretty, it was so validating, I felt like a real woman.
I undid his pants and pulled them down with his underwear. He had a nice cock, cut and clean….average size. I immediately dropped to my knees and started to kiss and fondle his dick.
I was still nervous but the more I played with his dick, the more I was getting into it. Eventually, the kissing turned into sucking, I was bobbing up and down. I desperately want him to cum, I sucked for a while, I don’t know how long….lots of precum but I couldn’t get him off. It sounded like he was enjoying it, just no cum.
After a while he pulled out and reassured me that I was doing great, I guess he sensed my confidence waning. He told me he rarely cums from a blow job. He had me kneel, facing the couch, and lean on the cushion. He got down behind me and started to play with my ass. He started to lick my hole and finger me. I was starting to like this.
He ate my ass for a while then he took a condom off the coffee table and put it on. I’m glad it was lubed, and I was pretty wet from his tongue. He lined up behind me and pushed the head of his cock against my hole. I felt a great deal of pressure and it finally popped in past my ring. I won’t lie, it hurt a bit, not nearly as bad as I’ve heard, maybe because I’ve used toys on my ass before. After he held still for a minute or so he started to move in and out. He pulled back almost all the way, then pushed back into the hilt. He developed a steady rhythm of “long strokes”. I realized right then that is the way to get fucked. It felt wonderful! I don’t know how long he fucked me that way but I was dripping and trying not to touch myself.
After a bit, he picked up the pace, and he started to pump faster, ultimately coming into my ass. I got up and went to the bathroom to change and wash my face. We said our goodbyes and said we keep in touch.
Oh boy, now I wish to be on HRT and develop a nice breasts. Am I a transgender?

Hello there, first of all, we'd like to thank you all in advance for your time ,opinions,comments,advice, and thoughts regarding our plan to finally live together in the US!
Me(19F) and my fiancé(21M) have done alot of research and there has been alot of change in plans along with it, because we always stumble upon plans that seems better, faster, more affordable,and less stressful, and we ended up wasting nearly two years trying to figure it out. And finally, this is the plan that we think is possible and most suitable for our current situation.
Before i explain the plan, let me first explain our current situation :
I am 19,i live in Indonesia, and i live alone in a Girl Dorm because i moved out and have cut ties from my mentally abusive family that would attempt to seriously harm me. i am unemployed and my fiance is the one that covers all my financial needs ever since i moved out of the house.
And for my Fiance,he is 21 years old, and lives in California US. He is currently employed and earning minimum wage. He lives in a rented apartment along with his mother and Two siblings (both under 21).
We cant get married in Indonesia, since theres only religious marriage & i will need my legal guardian or parents for marriage approval.
I cant visit him to the US since theres too high of a chance of my US visitor visa getting rejected.
And i will explain our plan down below :

1. I will apply for a Mexico tourist Visa for myself (19F) in Indonesia, one of the main requirements for the Visa is financial proof, this will require us to wait for 3 Months while having around 3,200$ USD saved in my bank account.
   
2. Get married Legally Married in mexico. The reason we chose mexico to get married in is because mexico doesnt require a person above 18 to have parental/legal guardian's approval, nor for a person to have the same religion to get legally married, other than that, it is easy for him to travel to mexico since he also has families there. The plane ticket from indonesia to mexico is very expensive for us though.
   
3. Apply for a CR1 spousal visa. I heard that CR1 visa grants you a temporary greencard, and this is great for me since i want to go to work as soon as i can to help with our financial needs.
   

So that is basically the summary of our plan, what do you think about it? Please feel free to share your thoughts, suggestions,opinions,advices, and comments! 😄

I am self-drafting a pants pattern in cigarette slim style (not quite skinny). Having a hard time getting both the crotch curve right and the narrow leg to hang nicely. There's limited information online about balancing a pant pattern, and conflicting: some say use the inseam and others say go by the outer seam. I have a couple modern pant patterns that I have tried to use as reference but they are not that helpful and give me more of a carrot shape.
I'm stuck and nearing almost two dozen prototypes!! Please help me finish a pant pattern lol. I am complicating it more by not using darts so it will be a 4-panel pant pattern with a waist facing (as the fabric I intend to use works better if it doesn't have extra seams or darts). And I would like it to work with non-stretch fabric. The issue I kept having at the beginning of this process was excess baggy back leg under the bum, but I think I have figured that out - mostly.

There’s this one neighborhood black cat who I feed, and yesterday on a walk I saw him. He was super sweet he let our group pet him, he showed his belly and we have him belly rubs, rubbed his body, I fed him with my hand and he ate from the bag I was carrying, overall he loved the affection we showed towards. That very night I put my shirt out on my front door so that he can remember my smell from when we first interacted. He came back two hours from our walk and he smelled my shirt and continued to eat. So at least he knows I live here.
The next night, I got the camera motion detector that he swung by for his nightly meal in the front, so I watched him eat through the door. When I was watching him, my dog barked out of no where from the living room then he got a little spooked and looked at the door. He saw me raise my voice at my dog and then I looked back at the cat then he ran away. in the camera, it showed he stayed for a couple of seconds but then he ran off. I think it has a very sensitive sense of hearing due to its ear mites so seeing everything unfold spooked him. I’m worried that this caused him to lose is trust in me and he will run away from me when I see him. I really want to treat his ear mites but worried it doesn’t trust me to get near him.
TL;DR: cat got scared from dogs barking indoor, did I lose its trust?

I have been exhausting all my wills to search a clinic that offers a skin prick test and one with my particular suspected allergy (tropicalis and grass mix)
My rhinitis diagnosis is confirmed by my ent. Primarily it’s dizziness that causes me to search for answer. However , I discovered that my scalp acne issue might be caused by dust mites , plus the fact that my dad serious eczema stopped once he moved away temporarily to northern hemisphere.
I find one that offers only skin patch test. Will that be useful ? I rather not visit the immunologists near me as their reviews are super patchy and numerous complaints.

(TW: anxiety & eating disorders)
Wow, I’ve finally found a sub where I can share this and maybe not feel as judged.
I was a vegan for two years (2016 to 2018). Out of “nowhere” I started developing a social eating disorder where I was terrified of eating in front of other people, due to the judgement I experienced from others about what I ate. This, combined with many social eating situations that left me unsatisfied (in terms of portions or nutrients), made me extremely anxious to eat in front of others. I refused to eat in front of others until early 2019 or so. Trying to do so prematurely caused me to sweat profusely or pick at my food, but still refuse to eat it.
To this day, I am still mildly affected by this phenomenon (eating generally less in front of others than I would alone), but it’s gotten significantly better. Memories of being ostracized, judged, and misunderstood because of veganism caused a lot of problems for my ability to eat comfortably near others. I still, to this day, scan the menus of restaurants I’m about to go to with friends to see which food will attract the least attention that I would still enjoy eating (even though I’m no longer vegan) and it’s a task sometimes, but I am happy to say I am wayyyyyyyyyy more comfortable eating in front of others now than before. :)

Does SJSU allow outside members for gym. If yes what is the charge.
Is there any other gym near SJSU which is near and walkable.
Let me know the charges as well.

I won’t lie to you at this point. I just read it to see the end but this story has fallen off. Turtleme is milking the story so much that it doesn’t even make sense.
He has multiple chapters detailing something that could happen in one entire chapter.
He doesn’t know how to push a love interest at all seeing with Tess as she barely gets any character development, and anytime he does give her any kind of development it’s always near the end of the chapter or if he does give her some it’s always packed in.
And I don’t know if this is true, but a lot of people have been telling me that he made fun of the ending for solo leveling how why would he reset time to save his family?
I honestly believe that if he did say that he cannot compare his work to solo leveling because I’m not gonna lie to you. I enjoyed SL way more than TBATE.
And this is coming guy that’s read lots, orv, etc I have read many novels, and buy for this novel fell off, really really fast compared to any other novel I’ve ever read.

I've been playing the game recently and have gotten good grades on the other variations of kill the snitch trial, but I've been trying to get an A on the hard difficulty. I don't have any problems during the first half of the trial, but near the end when trying to push the snitch and killing him, I always end up dying either because of the giant or both Coyle and the giant gang up on me. I use the smoke rig and have upgraded it once, but does anyone have advice on how to get an A+ on hard difficulty? It's really hard for me to get past the giant enemy.

A couple years ago, I started playing through the Ys series on various platforms. I think I've played nearly every single version of Ys I & II at this point, aside from the early aughts Windows Complete version and perhaps the earliest Japanese computer versions.
When I was a little kid, a friend of mine had a TurboDuo (PC Engine CD) console and Ys Book I & II, and I got to watch him blast through it a bit. Was very jealous, because I'm pretty sure all I had at the time was a hand-me-down NES.
A few years later, I played Ys III on the Sega Genesis, fleetingly, at another friend's place. I didn't remember much from the experience.

Ys I & II

Flash forward about twenty years: I didn't personally play through any version of Ys I & II until I played about halfway through the DS version. Something about it didn't really click with me, and it was only later that I found out that this version was somewhat bastardized compared to other versions, with superfluous added content that apparently lengthens the game unnecessarily. It did pique my interest, though, in the series on the whole.
Via emulation, I played the fan translation of the NES port, which was my first introduction to both bump combat and the rather delicate gameplay of said bump combat, leading to Adol getting pinballed around like a rag doll as his health drains away in seconds ("What happened? I turned my head for just a second...game over!?") The graphics, for a NES game, are pretty nice, and the embellishment of Minea Town is gorgeous, what with all the canals and trees. I didn't play through that version too much, though. It did set the tone for me--and it made me learn to love the difficult gameplay of the early games, which reward practice.
The Sega Master System version seemed a bit more streamlined and closer to the PC Engine CD version, and maybe a bit less janky than the NES game. The soundtrack is a bit better, owing to the FM synth chip music. Nothing too special about this one--it's pretty much the game, no frills, nothing added.
And then, of course, there's the PC Engine CD version, which was the first version I played through start to finish. What a thrill ride. The soundtrack slaps so freaking hard. It was this version that made me fall in love with the bump combat system. The music is just pounding, and once you get into a rhythm with it all, downing enemies left and right as you drive Adol in squares across the screen--there's something real magical about the gameplay. I have really fond memories of busting into Darm Tower for the first time, with that absolutely jamming musical theme playing on my computer speakers with the bass on the subwoofer turned up, my head bobbing in sync. Just perfect blissful gameplay.
The bosses are all extremely, uniquely challenging without being unfair. If Adol repeatedly dies, you just have to sort out the proper technique, or you just need to grind more so you have better defenses. There's always a way forward. Nothing feels cheap.
I found Ys I to be a perfect gem of a game, and I found Ys II to be slightly lesser, with some areas that feel like a bit of a slog, or at least, unnecessarily convoluted. But the presentation and gameplay make up for it. As a whole, combined, Ys I & II feel like such an epic adventure.
Recently, I started playing the PSP version, which seemed to take the DS port and fix every problem with it. I really like this version, especially for the return of the bump combat, and definitely for the ability to switch between soundtracks, although it's a bummer that the PC Engine CD soundtrack isn't selectable.

Ys III

This game, the Zelda II: Adventure of Link of the Ys series, I think I enjoyed way more than I expected to. I'm pretty sure a lot of that is due to nostalgia, having enjoyed what little of it I played on the Sega Genesis as a kid, but in spite of its flaws, there's a fun game to be found in between yeeting the controller in frustration from time to time.
I've found enjoyment with Ys III very much depending on which port I play. I don't think there is one perfect version of this one--it's absolutely an imperfect game that tried a bit too hard to be different.
The Genesis version is quite good, although missing the animated cutscenes of the PC Engine CD version. I think this might be my most preferred version of the game. Once you get the hang of how combat works, which is extremely frustrating at first (but at least it's not as bad as Exile), the game becomes an exercise in torment interspersed by just enough good times to be enjoyable. But certainly, I found Ys III to be the most irritating game of the series. The soundtrack more than makes up for it, though--this OST might be my favorite of all of the games, which features Yuzo Koshiro's work at its most heavy metal.
The SNES version is slightly worse in every way. I find it harder, for one, and the game does not need to be more difficult. The SNES sound chip makes the soundtrack sound worse, too.
The PC Engine CD version drives me crazy. It would be my preferred version of the game--it has the absolute best version of the OST, full stop. Unfortunately, it has a maddingly conspicuous, glaring fault in the absolute garbage parallax scrolling, which is so unprofessional looking, I'm shocked it was released in this state, especially given how great Falcom is at visual presentation in general. The animated cutscenes are, like the first PCE-CD game, phenomenal. It's just such a letdown to see what a visual mess the scrolling is, especially considering that other games on the console utilize parallax scrolling just fine. Very unfortunate...because if not for this, Ys I-IV on the PCE-CD would be a perfect quadrilogy.
I realize the game was remade as The Oath in Felgana...sadly, I have only played small bits of it, but it's absolutely on my list. I found it surprisingly rich and fun...not harrowing, difficult and enjoyable only through persistent struggle and pain, like the original game.
I will say one more thing about the original Ys III, and that the game, like all early Ys games, reward practice and pushing through failure. It's so incredibly satisfying to beat bosses in Ys III, because you barely believe that you could have ever done it.

Ys IV

I have played through the fan translation of the PC Engine CD game, as well as most of the (completely different) SNES game. Both are fantastic sequels that build upon the foundation begun by Ys I & II. Have either of these games been remade or remastered?
Talk about correcting the course set with Ys III. Ys IV in both versions takes the sparse storytelling of the original Ys I & II and sets the stage for later installments, giving us an exciting, action packed jRPG plot with interesting characters and all sorts of twists and turns. Both the SNES and the PCE-CD games are the first in the series that feel like a part of the modern era. And, of course, the soundtrack for both games are good, but maybe not quite as good as the first three.
I have less to say about these ones, if only because I just recently finished Ys IV for the PCE-CD (what an amazing fan translation, with actual, competent English dubbing--well done) and I haven't quite finished the SNES game yet.

Ys V

Here's the first hole in my playthrough. I haven't yet sat down to play Ys V for the SNES, at least properly. But I've been craving a more straightforward Zelda clone to blast through as of late, so maybe I'll give it a proper go soon.
I always found the name of the game mysterious and cool: Kefin, Lost City of Sand! Talk about conjuring up imagery. I know this game gets a bad rap, but having played about ten minutes of it so far, I found it at least promising. I miss the bumping, though.
If anything, this game certainly deserves a remake.
...
And that's where I've gotten so far! I'm really excited to start playing the more modern installments of the series. I got a small whiff of it all from Oath in Felgana, and if that's the quality I have to look forward to...well, I'm excited.
Any thoughts on the games I've played so far, or games coming up, are more than welcome!

I’ve only just recently noticed this, but a few months I realized how significantly less oily my skin was. I noticed this in the winter and this past winter was definitely a bit warmer than usual, but my skin was the driest I had ever seen it. I’m usually okay with just my regular morning skincare throughout the day, even in winter, but I was finding that I needed to reapply moisturizer which never happened to me before.
The summer before I could hardly wear makeup because it would literally just slide off my face in patches lmao, so this was a new experience for me, having dry skin. Since it’s getting warmer now, I notice that my skin is now more combo, I get a bit oily in my T zone, but everywhere else isn’t completely dry, but just feels pretty normal and healthy.
I’m wondering if its related to my newer skincare routine? Within the last 2-3 years, I started taking hydration more important. I used to have incredibly oily, acne prone, sensitive textured skin and I would use exfoliants, treatments, and drying ingredients regularly. I started wearing sunscreen more, oil cleansing, and focusing my attention on just trying to bring moisture and hydration to my face even when I used treatments. I feel my skin is at its best right now: rarely get any breakouts (typically when I’m starting my period and when I wear a full face of makeup), the texture on my t zone is nearly diminished, and the my chronic redness and blemishes are slowly fading and I feel like I’m getting actual results from using treatments than I was never seeing before. This is the happiest I’ve been with my skin for the last 8 years.
I was wondering if this happened to anyone else? I also just turned 20 and I should probably start using retinol soon but omg I feel like my skin just cleared up and I would cry myself to sleep every night because of the inevitable purging💀

Sooooooo, for the LIFE of me, I'm trying to build my following on Instagram, and the shit is damn near impossible. I'm sitting here like....WTF! Barely even my own followers are seeing my shit, and it's kind of annoying, anyway that's my rant. I would really love it, if you guys check out my stuff.
My insta- https://instagram.com/alexartisticcollection?igshid=MzNlNGNkZWQ4Mg==
My youtube-https://youtu.be/pIgBk8N-puw
My website-https://asmith61.myportfolio.com/
Peace 🎨

I’m feeling hopeless. The future doesn’t inspire me anymore. I used to think that things would get better. I even had a year where they started to, before another hurricane hit and took me out almost completely. I haven’t recovered. I never will. My health is permanently damaged and altered. And eventual burnout completely emptied me. I haven’t recovered from that either.
I guess the future does inspire me, but it doesn’t inspire me positively. It just inspires fear. I have no idea how I’m going to support myself and my partner. We are so broke, nearly broke at the end of every month. Very little support, and the world is just getting worse and worse by the day. I can’t expand my community because I am high risk for Covid and immunocompromised. No one cares about that and I’ve been pushed out of society more or less. I have no retirement. No plan. I am banking on my disability case coming through eventually because if it doesn’t I don’t know what I’ll do.
I’ve lost myself not only in the terror of all of my fear but also in the chronic pain from my health issues. I feel unrecognizable to myself. I can’t smile much anymore. I don’t feel what I used to. I’m scared this is just how my life will forever be, and it won’t get any better. And that I won’t ever feel okay or happy again. I feel trapped in my body, frozen in time. Whether it’s a flashback or the present moment, I do not feel free. I am disabled and I am struggling to accept it.
My parents don’t want me and never did and this seeps into everything I do and think and feel. It doesn’t leave, the notion that not even my own parents want me. And also the way they’re continuing to fuck up the family. My sister almost overdosed last night. My cousin actually did. If I lost my sister I w think that would be the end for me. I basically raised her and I love her more than anything. I truly wouldn’t recover. I’m so scared.
I have an ace score of 10/10 so I don’t need to get into the details of what exactly happened to me for you to understand. The trauma never ends. My body will never feel safe, it seems. Not long-term, just moments. Moments are good, but they’re not enough for me anymore.
I find myself wishing I could just be erased from existence. So people would no longer be hurt by my presence and also not by my absence. I feel I have failed in every way, and continue to. I’m not going to kill myself. But I can’t stop feeling this way. I wish I could. I feel incompatible with life sometimes. I need to feel free. I need to feel hope.

Trigger warning: Mentions of abuse
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POV: Milko

I didn't know how Mateo did it. Forgave so easily. I was not that good; not that benevolent.
The way I saw it, the galaxy was a cruel thing tenanted mostly by uncaring inhabitants who willfully caused pain and suffering to other beings, or at least felt no concern for the hurt they dealt or tolerated.
Whenever I thought about my father - the begetter of children he never saw as people but merely expendable commodities - I started to seethe and sulfuric, slender ringlets of smoke drifted menacingly from my nostrils.
It's not like I didn't try to be better, I really did. Those hours trying to get help from him to my mother bleeding to death in front of me spawned a darker me. The hours sitting in my mother's and siblings' blood with the quiet of their deaths screaming in my mind, those hours depleted something vital in me.
I am able to forgive if not forget. I forgave the commander when he intentionally hurt me with the gravity change. I forgave the IASO for her antics in our initial interview. But my sire? I didn't think so. Other Coltavalke? I didn't feel like being a member of that particular gang.
So how is Mateo ok with Ouer, the Eoan teenager?!? Her entire species was guilty of the most horrible acts against sentients and sapients. I understood not blaming the kid but how did he stay in the same room without being overwhelmed with disgust and fury?
Well, Mateo was befriending the monster lookalike and I was there to support him.
We were behind the door of the youth habitation unit belonging to Saša, Ouer's guardian for the moment. An almost breathtakingly handsome, young Deblom male opened the door.
Deblom male: Yes? Who're you here for?
Milko (after shaking his head slightly to clear her thoughts): I'm Milko, a Coltavalke, and this is Mateo, a human. We're here for Ouer.
Deblom male: Who?
Mateo: It's ok, we're on the list of approved visitors.
Deblom: Great for you.
His handsomeness was waning in my eyes. There's no beauty in the galaxy to make up for these manners. Still, I tried again, politely. I tried to keep smoke from escaping but keeping it in was making my eyes water.
Milko: This is Saša's habitation unit, isn't it?
Deblom: Maybe.
Mateo: Is Saša here?
Deblom: ^Don'tknow.
Or care, it seemed. He was leaning to the doorframe at an increasingly alarming angle. His eyes were half closed in a way he probably thought was sexy but came across as exhausted and dull. Suddenly I saw Ouer in the room behind the obtuse Deblom.
Ouer: Are you here to see me?
At the sudden sound of the low gurgling Eoan nightmare fuel of a voice, the Deblum guy exceeded his maximum lean angle and unceremoniously plonked on the floor. It was very satisfying to see him blinking several times like a confused Huuq.
I held Mateo's hand and we curtly stepped over him to our new friend.
Milko: Good...
Mateo: ...morning,...
Milko: ...Ouer!
Ouer: You came! You actually came! That guy kept telling me you didn't mean it as a promise. He said nobody would think twice betraying the likes of me!
Saša (stepping into the room from some smaller room in the back): Who said that?
It took him about half a human second to find the Deblom guy on the floor wearing an obnoxious smirk. He was lying in a weird pose on the floor, one leg bend up, opening his crotch area in a way that would be obscene if it weren't so utterly ridiculous. Saša sighed.
Mateo: Saša, we came to take Ouer to play in the private shore area. One of our friends is already there. If Ouer wants to come, of course.
Saša: This is just having some good-natured fun together, kids only?
Milko: "Young people", please, not "kids"! Sir.
Saša: Of course. It was just a slip of the tongue.
Mateo: Then yes, sir, just us. If we happen to start discussing some legal stuff, we'll inform everyone. It's not the idea, though.
Saša: Ouer, do you wish to go?
Ouer: Oh, yes, yes, please!
Saša: Use the lift at the end of the corridor. Tierpe, c'mon, let's go discuss this in my office. Up, up, up: other people need to use that threshold. It's not there purely as a background for your pin-up poses!
Mateo: We have a friend, Caleo. Please, be very careful with him. He very nearly died a few days ago. He is aquatic, small, and cute.
Milko: He used to be enslaved, his entire life until now. And his slavers directly caused his condition. He had never seen a bath, not to mention a beach. He wasn't taught anything. He didn't even have a name until Mateo gave him one.
Mateo: We were there when he woke up, and feel very protective towards him. He doesn't know how the real world works.
Milko: He has known no kindness.
Mateo: He has never had anything, not even the basics.
Milko: They didn't give the enslaved children even a glass or a mug to drink from. A bowl on the floor if they were really lucky, mostly just some used water was splashed on the floor for them to lick.
Mateo: I took a bath with him on our spaceship. He - an aquatic child - had never before been immersed in water!
Milko: Sorry to rant on you. It's not like you did anything to him.
Mateo: The injustice of it, the sheer agony these kids endured...
Milko: ...it just gets us very riled up.
Mateo: Partly because of our own trauma and enslavement. Which was not that bad.
Ouer: Not as bad?! You almost died. Your sister did die. You were tortured and eaten for months until you rescued yourself!
Milko: Not to mention the slave work we were forced to do at the space station, Mateo.
Ouer: Aren't you still having physical problems you are here to fix? And the degree of enslavement and torture is not some competition! What one person might not even remember might be extremely traumatic to another. And it doesn't mean they're weaker or anything.
Mateo: Wow, Ouer! That was well put! Race you to the elevator!
Milko: No fair! My legs are short!
Ouer (whisking by Milko): Well I don't have legs at all, just one muscular foot!
Really wouldn't have thought it possible but despite Mateo's head start the legless mollusk won the race. Soon we were at the private shore. It was - of course - an artificial beach with one-third sand and two-thirds water. The HOTCHI-station had several of these as well as other environments to help with rehabilitation after surgeries or hospital stays.
It was perfect for our purposes. Ouer wasn't guilty in any way of the previous attack on the HOTCHI station. But his physical form would trigger horrendous memories in several patients and many of the staff here. We decided public areas were to be avoided, for now.

POV: Ouer

I couldn't believe it. All my life I had been hiding, knowing exposure to others would only bring suffering and death. Our species was hated for good reason and our form was disgusting.
And here I was, on the very station our hated warriors had desecrated in acts more vile than anywhere else. But I was allowed to move around and meet people! And now someone - two someones - wanted to do something incredibly nice to me!
Their friend had never been immersed in water in his life. Mateo and Milko seemed to find this especially condemning since the child was of an aquatic species. Like me.
I didn't know if I should tell them that I hadn't even ever seen enough water to submerge in. I wondered if it would make me look too pitiful.
"Shore." I knew what the word meant. I had seen a low-resolution picture of one. I almost hyperventilated thinking I'd get to see one in real life. It was artificial, I knew that. But most things in space are.
We stepped in the omnidirectional hover-lift. The lift had minimal friction as it hovered magnetically in the shaft. The ride was smooth, as were the transitions from vertical to horizontal.
But the best part was the interior of the lift. Even though the travel only took some minutes there was ample room and an abundance of seating options. This was a hospital and the convalescents were given every opportunity to do things and not just forlornly lie on a bed.
One side was for mammals with seats that conformed to different kinds of people. On the opposing side were perches and nests for avians. That section also had branches and caverns for insectoids.
And the back wall, directly where you looked when you entered, was the section for aquatic and amphibious species. With a push of a button, you could get either freshwater or saline water in different concentrations.
You could get totally underwater, sit in a seat partially underwater, or get water osmotically just by holding onto a bar with a partially permeable membrane. I used the last method. These humans, they think of everything. You could even add small molecules of nutrients of your choice to the solution. It was so refreshing after so long in the relatively dry spaces the Terrans preferred.
In truth, when the elevator ride was over I kinda wishes it had lasted longer. But the siren song of a shore was too enticing to ignore.
The elevator chauffeured us right outside our private shore. The door faded out to let us pass into a corridor. A small cephalopod child was impatiently waiting for us.
They were mostly diaphanous with a blue tint, possibly for sun protection. Some parts of them were darker blue, presumably for more protection against harmful UV and galactic cosmic radiation.
They had no hard external shell or internal bone, three hearts were visible, and their delicate tentacles were curling and uncurling with excitement.
Caleo: Mateo! Milko! Is the shore here? Right here? I feel weird but good weird. Is that normal? Who is that with you? Are they nice? I'm feeling sooo good weird!
Mateo: Slow down a tad, Caleo! Good weird is probably excitement. Excitement is a really good feeling, right?
Caleo: Yes, good, good! Good weird excitement! A good, new word!
Milko: Caleo, this is our new friend Ouer. She is an Eoan, of the good ones. Ouer, this is our friend Caleo. We don't know the species' name, though.
Ouer: Very good and exciting to meet you, Caleo. My parents taught me how to recognize many sapient, aquatic, and amphibian species. You know, not to... accidentally mistake them for a food source. Caleo is an Urtsas. They are masters in camouflage.
Mateo: Wow, thanks, Ouer! Did you hear that, Caleo? Your people are called Urtsas!
Milko: Later, it would be really great if you, Ouer, could tell us what else you know about the Urtsas. We hope to eventually contact Caleo's people, maybe even some relatives.
Mateo: But now, behold the shore!
The large door dissolved into the air and revealed the paradise within.
Warm airflow with tiny drops of salt water caressed me tantalizingly, practically propelling my body toward the shore. I felt directional warmth and light. It looked like the ceiling wasn't there. Instead, it looked like the sky, incredibly high above. And the warmth came from a light yellow ball in the sky. I looked at Mateo, incredibly. He lifted his shoulders for a moment.
Mateo: Our cradle has one white-colored yellow dwarf star. I'm told this is an approximation of how it looks seeing it through Earth's atmosphere. It looks yellow.
Ouer: You're told? You haven't been there?
Mateo: We were six when our detestable uncle decided to kill us slowly by selling us to an Eoan ship as food. The few years with him before that weren't any better. We weren't let outside much, and he had newspapers glued to cover the windows for some obscure reason. I must have seen the Sun, but don't recall.
Milko: I'm not even sure if there are beaches on our planet. The space station we grew up on definitely didn't. This will be our first time experiencing this as well! Let's go!
These two were candid when talking about their frankly horrible past. But they were not wallowing in the wretchedness of it all. They looked towards new, positive experiences with their heads held high. They had their severe trauma. I had seen that myself. They just seemed to grasp whatever positive experiences they encountered with all manipulation extremities. And then share it others.
The floor transitioned into fine sand. There was a rockier part but I wanted to feel the sand under my foot. It was so much finer than the coarse rubble my family had to acquiesce with. Rubble made from ground, non-metallic spaceship salvage.
I reveled in the sublime experience of the smooth sand, the sunshine, and the glorious breeze. Only it was cut short by excited, high-pitched squeals. I turned around at couldn't help but laugh.
Now I knew my form was monstrous. That was the day I found out my laugh was a sound causing instinctual, instantaneous horror in other beings. Had it only been Mateo - whose association with the sound was in all probability horrific. But no. Equal terror had engulfed also Caleo and Milko, who had never heard it before.
Mateo recovered first. He had stepped in front of Milko protectively and was extending a hand to yank Caleo to safety as well. Milko had dropped her head. Something was coming out of her nostrils, something gaseous, burning, and sulfuric. Also, some sort of chitin plates on her back were raised.
Caleo had frozen mid-squeal. Half of his tentacles were pointing up at varying angles, clearly just thrown sand up in the air. A few were digging sand out of his gelatinous body, and the rest had been threading the sand, making him half-sink inside the sand dune.
I couldn't help it. It was all so hilarious. I fell backward into the sand and roared in laughter. As I said, Mateo recovered first.
Mateo: That... that eldritch sound came from you?
Milko: Eldritch?
Mateo: Right. It's a handy word for something otherworldly, eerie, and unnatural that inspires immediate fear.
Milko: A good word working hard to convey a lot of meaning.
Mateo: Quite. Ouer, was that your laughter?
Ouer: Well, yes. Caleo looked so adorably funny, I couldn't help it!
Hardly had I said that when something sandy and sticky with way too many thin tentacles jumped on my unsuspecting and unprepared soft part. It was my turn to squeal shrilly. Except it came out more like a feeble yelp due to the tentacles pressing on my air-breathing organ.
I was stunned for a moment. A good thing I was. The child was obviously not attacking with menace but incredibly with joy. They were laughing in a way that distantly mimicked mine! Seeing that my other two friends' alarm converted into hilarity as well.
The sand was fun but the smell of salt water and the sound of the water moving rhythmically soon became irresistible. When we arrived at the point where the water started we all just looked at it in wonder. It was magical. It was soothing. Peaceful. Awe-inspiring. Home.
In the shallow, the water was turquoise and moved further into the sand and then back again in a gentle, slightly froth-edged movement. The water seemed to sparkle in the light of the sun. I was hypnotized.
Mateo: Those are waves! They're so...so... beautiful!
Ouer: Yes, that's the word I was looking for: waves!
Caleo: Ayeeeij!
We turned to look at Caleo who was waddling towards the water. He stopped at a place where the water was only a few centimeters deep.
Caleo: Ooooh, I like this moving water! And I like the water-sand that moves under me! C'mon, you slow people, come try this!
That was all the rest of us needed to join the kid. Mateo had quickly taken off most of his clothes and was wearing short pants. I had to fast intake a large amount of air when I saw the scars on his body.
I would never, ever, in any circumstance belittle anyone's trauma again like I did when we first met. How - just how - had he survived?
He joined Caleo in the shallow water, lifting his legs like a decapod crustacean, trying to bring wet sand up with his toes and throwing water on himself - and Caleo who happened to be near him. Caleo retaliated by sucking water in through their body and then squirting it on Mateo's face in a stream. A war ensued, one with water, wet sand, and laughter as weapons.
I looked at Milko. She stood timidly at the fringe of the water, just letting the very tips of her feet touch the water. She felt my gaze and looked a little embarrassed.
Milko: I don't think our planet has surface water in any meaningful quantities. We have mountains and meadows, valleys and small mountain brooks. And rocky desert galore. I'm also not sure if my form is compatible with floating.
Mateo: Neither is Ouer's. You could always dive and just come back up for short periods to take some air.
Milko: Brother, you don't swim either!
Mateo: No. But I can always stand and walk in shallow water. And I can sit in the water!
And that's when he plopped down to sit. The water splashed everywhere, even on Milko. I got some, too. That's when Milko charged right in front of Mateo, made herself as wide as possible, and splashed him really well when she plopped down to sit.
Mateo cleared the water from his face and laughed. But that was the moment the dragon girl had waited. She lifted and struck the water hard on her long, prehensile, and powerful tail. Mateo got a good spurt of salt water into his open mouth.
By then Milko had sprinted away. Mateo gave chase. But the two were laughing the entire time. It was just play.
I went to the shallow and let the waves wash my lower body. It was almost overwhelming. Caleo approached me and tapped my shell with one thin tentacle.
Caleo: I know. More water than you can understand. I had no words. I couldn't think, just feel.
We stood there together for several minutes, two aquatic beings, pondering things too big for our brains.
Caleo: Wanna go deeper?
Ouer: I'm afraid I go underwater completely and my gills won't work. I have never needed them before.
Caleo: Don't worry. Even if they don't work, you can hold your breath until you get up again.
Ouer: You are very smart.
Caleo: No, I'm dumb. No one says it here, but my owners did. All the time.
Ouer: They weren't your owners, Caleo. They were criminals, kidnappers, and slavers. Slavers of children, which makes them the worst of all slavers.
Caleo: What is kidnapping?
Ouer: Take a person away by force or by lying and not letting them go.
Caleo: They didn't do that. They bought my egg and made me. So I was theirs to do what they liked with.
Mateo: Is that what they said? They were lying to you. They didn't make you, Caleo. Your parents did.
Caleo: But maybe my parents gave ... sold...
Milko: That doesn't matter. Stolen, bought, kidnapped, cheated, found, incubated, whatever. You are a sapient being and sapient beings cannot be owned.
Mateo: Ouer was right: they didn't own you. They were illegally keeping you imprisoned, they hurt you and they forced you to work for them. They are scum.
Caleo: Scum?
Mateo: You know how trash comes to the surface of water? If you have really dirty, trashy, smelly, horrible water, what comes to the surface of that? The most horrible of the horrible? That is scum.
Caleo let out a peal of surprised laughter. We all joined. Then we all went a little deeper into the water. Caleo suddenly disappeared from view to our alarm. But soon I could see them swooshing here and there, propelled by their tentacles. I pointed them to Mateo and Milko.
I approached the deep carefully. The more of my body I got under water the better I felt. The buoyancy of the water made me feel a lot more graceful. A lot less monsterlike.
At some point, I realized I was getting oxygen from the water when my gills were still above it.
Ouer: Mateo and Milko, why am I breathing water without my gills?!
Milko: I read about this. Many beings like you can breathe through your skin. And your gills double as a sort of mouth.
Ouer: Mouth?!? You're not serious!
Mateo: It's true. If you are in a body of water that has food particles, your gills trap those small particles. You are quite remarkable, Ouer!
Ouer: Can you come with me to the deep water? I'm a little apprehensive still...
Mateo; I would love to ... but ... I don't know how to swim...
Ouer: Oh, I'm sorry I asked.
Mateo: It's nothing. I mean...it doesn't matter.
Caleo: Ouer! Ouer! Ouer! Come and swim with me!
Mateo: Go on, Ouer! Go have fun!
And fun I had! I started to feel like these people could be trusted. Mainly because they genuinely wanted to give me and Caleo a wonderful day. And they asked no questions or even hinted that I should now reciprocate somehow.
I slept so well after that day. I only wondered if our planet used to be like that. I also wondered if my parents experienced water like that.
And slowly I started to feel some hope for the future. Maybe my people could find a watery home. Live and not only exist.
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