Mostly Real Estate Company offered potential buyers, sellers and brokers for the resourceful administration to complete the process of property listing, buying and selling.
A place for people interested in small or tiny houses.
Answering questions about the Los Angeles area.
This is not a situation directly affecting me, I’m asking out of curiosity.
There has been a lot of drama in my post graduate area regarding landlords in the area that decide to rent to professional school students only (medical, PA, law, etc). This includes undergraduate students as well occasionally. Some of the people have argued that this is illegal and counts as discrimination since the landlords won’t rent to “non-students”, just curious if that’s true?
Tacking onto that another question I have is, if a landlord decides to advertise their housing as “quiet” or “study friendly”, are they legally allowed to refuse to rent to for example a couple with a newborn that might cause more noise? I know familial status I believe is included as discrimination so this would be illegal right?
This is in TN/VA/KY if that information is relevant. Thanks to anyone who responds! Again, this isn’t a situation directly affecting me rather I’m just curious.
I enjoy talking about and learning about the great European and Asian countries and cities like Austria, Japan, the Netherlands, and Singapore. I know they are good and people in countries like America and Australia would like the built environment to be structured more like them. I agree.
However I'd want to see some examples for two types of situations:
I want to see an example of a place that once has restrictive zoning (let's say only allowing single family homes, no business in a residential neighborhood, only allowing strip malls with one floor, no multi family housing allowed, etc) that changed their rules and created more varied housing types. I want to see if this has lead to lower housing costs and less homelessness. Apparently one person told me this happened in Auckland New Zealand (studies were done on housing construction but not homelessness).
I'd also like to see an example of a piece of suburbia or a built environment that's very car dependent that became more dense and non car commuter friendly.
I want to see some examples of this because while I know the Asian and European cities have great design, for the most part these places did not start out as car centric and changed, they were built with non car travel in mind or before cars. I want to see an example of a great urban area being crafted from a car centric space because I think it would help create a good development roadmap for poorly planned communities in America, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia (the 1st world countries that are the most car dependent). We could learn from what they did well and improve upon what didn't. Washington State recently passed a bill allowing middle housing in single family zones, so I am hoping in 15-20 years the housing prices will go down, but yah I want to see examples of places that made these kind of changes and actually improved.
When ever I pick up a call on Voice app on my iPad Pro, it is too loud.
The Control Center Volume Bar is down to lowest level (off), meaning I can't hear music or YT audio on entertainment apps like Netflix or PBS. (I keep the volume off and use closed caption.)
The side volume bars don't lower the voice calls. I can raise and lower the volume on my iphone with the side volume controls but these volume buttons don't change the volume on my ipad for Voice calls.
It only happens on voice calls such as Magic Jack, Zoom, Google Voice and iPhone calls that I pick up on my ipad Pro.
How do I lower the volume of voice calls?
It's especially problematic when the caller puts me on hold and music is blasted so loud my brain gets fried. I've resorted to hanging up at times. Or covering the ipad with lots of pillows.
If I can get the iPad connected to a BT speaker, I can lower it using the speaker's volume control but sending it to a speaker isn't always an option.
What's even more ridiculous is I have hearing loss. Spouse is deaf in one ear and he comes out from other side of house asking if I can turn down the volume. Dog will leave the room. Seriously this is loud enough to be a unsafe decibel issue.
Sorry it’s a little long.
I recently just got broken up with and it hurts so bad I went from being a happy guy to a very bitter angry guy. Before my ex I was a super happy guy and very outgoing! He left me for a female. I knew he was bisexual but after us being together he came out to me as gay and then I guess he went back to being bisexual? Before me he dated a couple girls in his teens and young adult. We met when he was 23. I accepted him for that and told him we could open our relationship and he said he wouldn’t do that to me or hurt me. He said “I love you and I know who I am”
I thought he was going to fight through his thoughts and fight for us after being together for 7 years but he gave up and broke up with me over a phone call.. it’s been almost 3 months and I’m not able to get over him! I know he started dating that girl a week after the break up. He also cheated on me which I forgave him for that. I suffer from depression and anxiety and had it under control when we were together and after the breakup I’ve been going crazy.
After the breakup he was using excuses like im always angry and I was only angry when I found out he cheated on me and broke certain things in the house like anime figures we had. I payed for the ones I broke! I feel like everyone would get angry and break stuff after being cheated on! But I forgave for that a couple days after then the following week he leaves me.
My one friend told me the way he’s acting is like a typical male would act hide his feelings and date right away and move on. The girls he’s with started flirting with him at work and she was the one pushing him towards a relationship it’s not all her to blame I know it’s both people he never told people we was in a relationship almost like he was hiding me.
Also found out one month into there relationship he took her out of state for her birthday and he never did that for me. That hurt so badly! Now I’m being told that they’re planning on getting married and having kids with the girl after 3 months? What kills me is that that was our plan to get married and move into our home. I know his family is against being gay and he’s an only son and once him family found out he seemed to have changed! This hurts…
I want to know if he misses me if thinks of me? We did so much together and I just don’t know I have so many memories it hurts so badly! I’m a cancer and he’s a Aries. I just started learning about zodiac signs.
I was blindsided when he left me wasn’t really expecting it because I thought we were good. I truly don’t know what to do and am going crazy!!
Anyways I just need advice on what to do. He took me off of Steam,Battle.net and Riot games after 2 months after the break up. we both played so many games together. He does have social media now but he doesn’t use his real name he uses a Japanese type name to hide from people. I know he made a Facebook,TikTok,instagram.
What he also told me was his now girlfriend told him that she doesn’t want him talking to me ever!
I’m truly sad that I lost him but I’m more depressed that I lost my best friend and partner… I opened my heart up and told him so much like way to much and trusted him…. It breaks me… he also told me so much and opened up and cried so much about who he is and I finally made him happy because he accepted himself. Over 8 years…. This fucking hurts!
Has anyone else went gone through this?
For starters, I used to hate the Call of Duty games but now, I'm more onto indifferent/a tad interested in the series. The Days of Play sale was happening and I thought that I can play Modern Warfare 2 since it's on sale.
Sure, the multiplayer interests me but is the Single Player campaign also good? I have heard that COD campaign are short but how short is it?
If you think that the game won't work for me or there is better multiplayer shooters, what else can you recommend me?
Thanks in advance.
I see a lot of advice for 20yr olds should do to be financially free by the time they're 30, but what about us 30yr olds? I've only just started hearing about investing. In our 30s shit gets real messy quick. I don't have the same advantages as I do when I'm 30 to live with parents etc. (it's looked down upon in my culture and in most societies). In our 30s life gets real. It's the house, marriage planning even divorce , kids job etc. What can I do in my 30s to really set myself up in my 40s for success if I've faltered to j my 20s?
i (20f) and my brother, M (37m) want to help my brother, O (35m) get help for his mental health (depression and thoughts of suicide) and i need advice on how to approach it.
Its hard to approach the idea of therapy, medication and help in general due to hispanic culture. men are usually taught to not show emotion, cry, share feelings or be depressed (cause you have nothing to be depressed about!). my brother, M and i are planning on going to his house today and talk to him about getting help. He’s recently been sending us songs with depressive lyrics or drinks after work, we usually help him through text but that’s not a permanent solution (this started a month ago). i struggle with mental illness myself but see a therapist, though i’ve hidden it from my family except for O. can i please get some help on how to approach the subject? I’ll try to keep this updated, though i’ve never used reddit. Thank you, you’re amazing, have a good day.
Okay so, I’m a writer and I get inspiration from literally everything. I’m always writing short stories and coming up with book ideas but… I had an idea for a script. I’m planning this screenplay for a musical series. It’s a jukebox musical like Glee. My main character is inspired by Rachel Berry herself but don’t get worried! It’s not nearly as intense as… whatever the glee plots were. The plot is based off different musicals I’ve grew up with/loved watching; High School Musical, Camp Rock, La La Land, Kinky Boots, Princess and the Frog, etc. all of the musicals are in some way incorporated into the story. Okay here’s the plot.
Our main guy, name undecided, is in a band and they get into a predicament. It causes a lot of press issues and stuff which is a problem because he also comes from a well-known family. His mom is very well-known musician and time and time again she’s been having to get her son out of situation after situation until finally she’s had enough. Her, along with the other band members’ mothers, decide that they will no longer be homeschooling their sons and decide to send them to public school (very camp rock inspired. There’s a whole joke about it). To watch over them and keep track of their grades and behavior, she put their manager in charge. Fast forward to the first day, the boys learn that they must join some type of extra curricular. Our main guy joins (surprise surprise) the glee club. He is then greeted by the director who has arranged the team to do a performance so he can see how they are. Before they perform we’re introduced to our main girl, name undecided. She’s very put together and when they perform, our main guy is intimidated by her (but he’ll definitely never admit it). He sees that the team is good, really good but he still doesn’t want to join, but he has to. We learn that this main girl, along with the rest of team, don’t like our main guy. They find him egotistical, they don’t like his band’s music and they don’t want someone with his reputation on their team. (This is also inspired by that one fever dream of a Nickelodeon movie Spectacular) Throughout the show, different episodes are centered around different musicals. The plot of that musical relates to the plot happening in the story, similar to how the songs performed on glee related to the plot. There would be a La La land episode, a Rocky Horror Picture Show episode, even a Princess and the Frog episode (the show is set in Louisiana so 🤷🏾♀️).
Sorry for this extremely long post but I’ve been wanting to share this idea for so long. There’s obviously messy places given the fact that it’s not even close to down or started on. I’ve just been doing plot planning and building characters and I wanted to know other people’s thoughts, opinions, or tips on it.
The landscape changed as Gary prowled through it. It started as the farmland he remembered so well. Small copses of trees began to appear as he moved around, hunting. Between them, individual trees began to appear. The buildings, small houses and sheds, mostly, thinned out as the trees grew thicker. The ground grew steeper and mountains rose around him.
Before long, he was prowling the slopes of a narrow wooded valley. He could see ixlets darting through the woods around him. He glanced down the slope and saw a mix of greasers and Taliban, moving through the trees.
He moved further down the valley, towards the Taliban and greasers. They ignored him, except to keep their distance. That suited Gary just fine, as he was after a different prey.
Down below the greasers, the landscape changed again. The trees thinned out and vanished, replaced by rocky, windswept tundra, dotted by small lakes. He found a ruin there, massive gray stones emerging from the ground.
He moved past the ruin. Trees appeared again, but instead of oak and ceder and ash, he found mangroves and pines and huge ceibos. They came together, getting denser and denser until he stepped out onto a large rock and could see the town of Esteli spread out before him.
He continued on, into the narrow streets. The buildings crowded together, wall to wall. There were signs everywhere; for the shops that dotted the streets, for American companies that selflessly graced the slums of Nicaragua with their business, for local brands, for strip clubs and bars.
The people crowded the streets, competing with the tiny cars and occasional donkey. Gary moved on.
The streets changed. The crowds changed, too. They had darker skin and wore less clothes. Trikes began to appear, enclosed three-wheeled ramblers built around a motorcycle frame. A sign pointed him to Clara Town in English.
This time, Gary paused. He remembered this place. Monrovia, Liberia. On the west coast of Africa. His first contract for the Agency had brought him here. The spook he was here to protect had been a stupid little shit that had ruined his own operation and gotten them into a gunfight. He'd met Drake here, as well. The younger man's bright pink hair had stood out to Gary, a massive cross-section on his gaydar.
He remembered being holed up in a run-down hovel following the fight. Everybody was injured, but nobody had died. Gary was down to two mags, one of them in his rifle and the other half-empty in a pouch on his chest. Drake had offered him a blowjob for the half-empty mag, confirming Gary's suspicions about which way he swung. Gary had handed it over without a word, but as they rode away in a beat up minivan driven by one of their assets, he'd leaned over and asked Drake to pay up, half jokingly.
Well, maybe a quarter jokingly.
That had been a bad day, but far from the worst he'd seen. And not someplace he would find the bugbear.
"Where the fuck are you, ya foggy little goblin?" Gary muttered. This place felt wrong. He remembered what Inanna had said, somewhere else.
"...They're not intelligent, though they can speak."
Gary glanced around. This place... This was not a place of fear. This was a place of a curious, entertaining memory. Frustrating, at the time, and painful as well. But not frightening. Not like those fields where he'd killed the boys.
The bugbear wasn't here, he realized. It hadn't been any of the places he'd been. Instead, it had been sending him away from it. Sending him to places where he'd hunt the thing, while it...
Gary knew where to go.
He pictured the park and began to walk.
He tried to work it out. He was in his own head. He needed to get out, to get back to the real world. He reached out with his magical senses, feeling the world around him. It felt... Delicate. As if it would fall apart at a simple touch. Experimentally, he reached out with a bit of magic. The buildings on one side of the street crumbled.
He pushed out harder, reaching out all around him, tearing the world apart with magic, until he floated in a deep void. From here, he could feel the real world. It was up. He turned his face in that direction and flew.
---- Inanna Williams, Fucking Shit Balls, Motherfucking Cock Sucker
She would not
call Jerry. Or Yarm, or Sookie, or anyone else who might be awake right now. But she was getting pretty fucking disgusted with this thing. Suzanne crouched below one of the picnic tables as Inanna held her sword in her hands and kept herself between the bugbear and the girl.
Her sword blazed with fire, of course. Drawing flame from metal was one of the simplest acts of magic, an effect easily imbued into any artifact. And the weapons forged by Grandfather were works of art, pristinely forged and crafted and eager to soak up any enchantments they could. The flames were good, they helped. They weren't the problem.
Keeping magic suffused through her body was the problem.
She'd already moved around more magic today than she had in the last week. The effort had exhausted her. She barely had the strength to hoist her sword. And she was making a continuing effort to keep enough magic in her body to actually hurt the bugbear.
She didn't know how long she could keep this up.
The bugbear lunged again and she whipped her blade up, tip menacing the thing. It growled and hissed and spat, but it had already learned what pain that weapon could inflict.
Inanna glanced over to where Gary had collapsed, only to realize he was not there. His sword and shield lay on the ground, but Gary was gone. She carefully flicked her eyes from the bugbear to different areas of the park, searching for him. She saw no sign of him whatsoever. Gary had vanished.
A grin split her features.
"You are in for a world of hurt, you ugly motherfucker," she said menacingly. The bugbear ignored her, of course. It was a beast, after all.
---- Gary Johnson, Fucking Pissed
He didn't even bother with his weapons. He remembered Inanna's words, and the effect Percy's punches had on the thing. He pulled in his shield, burying it just below his skin. He poured more magic into it, thickening it, strengthening it.
He could feel the tension of the shield as he crept off into the shadows. The bugbear was menacing Inanna, who menaced it right back with her big ass sword. She looked exhausted, like she might fall over at any minute. Too much magic use, Gary thought. The rituals had each taken a toll on her, and he knew how difficult teleporting someone who wasn't touching him was.
He snuck around behind the thing as Inanna said something he didn't catch. He idly wondered why she hadn't called Jerry, but the answer presented itself before the question had even been formed. It was pride, of course. She could not bring herself to ask for assistance defeating something she'd dismissed as 'not particularly tough'.
Gary got to within tackling distance and then brought his wet blanket back up and threw it over the monster. Its blurry form solidified, the pale white face and dark body coming into focus. Its limbs were long, with long claws on each finger. Its elbows and shoulders were bulbous, its chest sunken, its hips protruding. It noticed, of course. It snarled at Inanna, but before it could strike, Gary rushed it, his temper cheering at the thought of getting his hands on the thing.
It spun at the sound of his feet pounding on the grass, so Gary swung a textbook perfect punch right between its eyes. The blow clotheslined the beast, flipping its feet forward, tossing it on its own head and neck with a sickening crack that would have killed any mortal.
Razor sharp claws lashed out at him as he threw himself on top of the thrashing monster. They scratched at the top layers of his skin, but the wounds closed and they couldn't penetrate past his shield.
He used his left hand to interfere with the claws, getting his forearm onto the bugbear's and pressing down. With his right hand, he pounded at the beast's face, over and over. Each blow crunched into the thing with the force of a freight train, the unfocused magic in his body turning itself into raw physical power.
The bugbear roared in pain and rage, so Gary opened his mouth and roared right back. The beast slipped its arms free and jammed them into Gary's sides, but he ignored them and got his left hook working the thing as well.
Snarling in rage, he snatched his knife off his chest and brought it down into the thing's throat. Its roars turned into a wet, gurgling sound. Gary pulled the knife out, then thrust it into its belly and ripping up, the force of the move shattering ribs and spraying Gary with a black ichor.
He growled deep in his chest, pulling the knife back out and slamming it into the bugbear's neck again, this time from the side. He left it there and resumed punching it, slamming his fists down with enough force to shatter the bones in his hands, leaving them just enough time to heal between blows.
He struck the beast over and over and over, ignoring the pain in his hands, focused only on hurting the thing. He kept going long after it stopped fighting back, stopping only when he felt a small hand on his back. He spun, his eyes wild and angry, but it was only Inanna there.
"You got him, Yarm," she said wryly. Gary stared, uncomprehending at her for a moment. Then it clicked. He barked a short laugh out and rolled off the thing, sitting on the grass next to the unmoving body.
"Is it dead?" he asked, his chest heaving from the exertion.
Inanna held a hand out towards the bugbear. "Yeah, it's dead."
"Good," Gary said. They sat in silence for a moment.
"The girl all right?" he asked.
Inanna nodded. "Yup." She looked over her shoulder and called out, "It's okay, hun. You can come out, now." A tiny figure moved hesitatingly towards them, stopping at the dead body of the bugbear and looking down at it.
"It's dead, darlin'," Gary said. "Nothing but a bag o ectoplasm, or whatever that black stuff is."
"Ectoplasm," the girl said quietly. Gary nodded and looked back at Inanna.
"Did you just call me Yarm?" he asked. She chuckled. "You reminded me of him just then. You were fighting like him."
"Heh," Gary said. "Balls to the wall, unchecked aggression."
"Yup," Inanna agreed.
"Don't tell nobody, but I gave a bit of thought to dropping trou and squeezing out a stink pickle on the thing's face. Just for a second, mind."
Inanna laughed. "Why didn't you?" she asked. Gary shrugged. "No point. It's long past caring what I do to it."
"Now there's the Gary I know," she said. Then she looked at Suzanne and frowned. "The Washingtons are dead. She's got nowhere to go."
"I might have a lead on that," Gary said. "In the meantime, she can come stay with me."
Inanna scoffed. "You'll adopt her within a month," she said. Gary just shrugged. "Maybe. Like I said, I got a lead."
---- Liam MacReady, On His Day Off
Liam answered the door to reveal an older guy standing there. He had a big, bushy beard that was mostly gray, a leathery face, and a figure that suggested a lot of time in the gym. He had a veteran's air about him, too, Liam noticed. It was in the the insouciant sloop of his shoulders, the stiffness of his lower back, the way he stood with his hands on his hips.
"Can I help you?" he rumbled.
"Liam MacReady?" the man asked, his voice tinged with a backwoods twang. Liam nodded, so the man held out a leather mitt. "My name's Gary Johnson. I'm with the Divine Crisis Management Group. I have some records here that say you applied to become a foster parent about two years ago, is that right?"
Liam frowned even as he shook the man's hand. He had a firm grip, but he didn't try to crush Liam's hand. Which was good, because Liam had mastered that particular show of dominance long ago.
Still, he didn't like this. "Why you looking into me, bro?" he asked.
"There's a little girl, goes by the name of Suzanne," Johnson said. Liam's hard look evaporated at the mention of the little girl he'd tried to take in.
"I know that look," Johnson said in a softer voice. "I got a daughter of my own. Can I come in?"
Liam thought about it. A cop would ask him to step out, not ask to come in. Unless he wanted to search for something. But Liam could kick him out if he started poking around. He pushed the door open wider and stood to the side.
Johnson walked in. He didn't poke around, but went straight to the living room and waited for Liam to join him. Liam closed the door and walked into the room, taking his favorite chair and gesturing at the couch for Johnson to sit. He did.
"So what's this about Suzanne?" Liam asked.
"Can you tell me how you know her?" Johnson asked.
Liam threw up his hands. "Brother, can we just get to the point?"
"This is the point, Mister MacReady," Johnson said. "I need to ask you some questions about her."
"When'd you serve?" Liam asked.
"Eighty-seven to oh-seven," Johnson answered without hesitation. "You?"
"Oh three to twenty-ten," Liam answered. "Second Ranger Battalion."
"Fifth Group," Johnson said. Liam quirked an eyebrow. "Green berets. Choice gig, that."
"Kinda sucked, to be honest." Lian chuckled at his answer.
"So how did you meet Suzanne?"
Liam rubbed his chin, thinking. After organizing his thoughts a bit, he spoke.
"Dated a girl a couple years ago. Suzanne's mom. She was a train wreck, but it took me a while to realize it. The girl..." Liam chuckled again.
"She was scared of me at first. I got these burns," he gestured to the side of his face, "In Kandahar. Don't do a lot to make me pretty, you know? But she warmed up to me in time. Sweetest little thing, she was. I never really thought of myself as a parent, you know? Always had too much going on, what with work and the club. But I loved spending time with that girl.
"I'd have dumped her mom's druggie ass much sooner, if not for her. When I finally had enough of her shit, I called CPH. Left an anonymous tip. I put in my application to be a foster parent, knowing that they'd rather her go with someone she knows. But they denied me. The club, me being single... I guess I can't blame them."
Johnson had been carefully watching Liam's face as he spoke, and Liam felt a strange sensation in the air. The temperature had dropped, and the hairs on the back of his neck were standing up.
"You gotta good heart, Mister MacReady," Johnson said.
"Uh, thanks, I guess," Liam responded. Johnson pointed at Liam's kutte. "What's the missing rocker?" he asked.
Liam looked down, noticing the threads still hanging out. "Master-at-arms," he said, touching it with one blunt finger. "I stepped down back when I was trying to become a foster parent. Freed up more of my time, you know?"
"Would you like to see Suzanne? Spend the afternoon with her?"
Liam leaned forward, his interest thoroughly captured. "Yeah. You can make that happen?"
Johnson raised a finger. A few seconds later, Liam heard a knock on the front door. He stood and walked out there, to find a bookish-looking man in a suit and bowtie standing there. He was flanked by two more figures. One was a short, brunette knockout. She had a middle-eastern cast about her, curves like a scenic railroad track and tits that could stop all conversations within a dozen yards. But she wasn't the one who caught his eye.
"Mister Liam?" Suzanne asked. Liam's face lit up in a wide grin as he knelt down and threw his arms out.
"Hey punkin!" he cried as she rushed into them. He hugged her carefully for a long moment.
"Mister MacReady," the nerdy guy said. "I know about the troubles you had applying to become a foster parent. There's nothing we can really do about that, it's a state matter. But we have lawyers in all specialties, including family law. I'm confident we can arrange a private adoption. We've already contacted her mother at the MCI women's facility, and she's agreed to relinquish custody."
Liam stood, still clinging to Suzanne, who gripped him tightly.
"Why?" he asked.
"We want her to be with someone who loves her. And Gary is quite sure that's you."
"Uh..." Liam wasn't good with this kind of stuff. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, that's me." Johnson stepped past him and all three of them stepped off the stoop.
"I'll be back around nine," Johnson said. He handed Liam a pair of cards, which he took and carefully examined over Suzanne's shoulder. Both were for the same company he'd mentioned earlier. One had his name on it, and the other had a woman's name.
"Call the woman, Astrid, when you're ready to move forward on the adoption," Johnson said.
"And the other?" Liam asked.
"Call me if you ever find yourself willing to give up the outlaw life and work a steady, good paying job," Johnson told him. He met Liam's eyes and then nodded.
"I missed you so much," Suzanne said as Johnson followed the other two out to a black Humvee parked by the curb. Liam grinned so wide his face hurt.
"I missed you too, punkin," he said.
So Id like to start by saying I never want to get back with my ex but I'm not able to get rid of her from my mind. I left her because of alot of reasons that built up over the years and I finally could not take it.
Unfortunately I've noticed that whenever I'm in an anxiety driven situation or any incident happens, that night I tend to get nightmares about my ex in some form or the other. I call them nightmares instead of dreams because most of the time I'm anxious in the dream as well.
Tonight I woke up at 4am again where I had a nightmare. My ex who was blocked on every platform somehow got through and was calling me. I didn't pick up but got anxious. For some reason I called back (irl I've resisted the callback alot as I've got alot to say but I wanted to cut the connection completely) and luckily she didn't pick up. But after a minute she kept calling back again and again and when I picked up it was a video call where she was smiling and telling me nasty things and was for some reason giving me updates on how she moved on. The next minute she would switch to pleading to return and again go back to gloating how she doesn't need me.
Now I don't want to pay my own back and say I'm wonderful and so amazing that she would plead for me to come back but in reality she did alot for months when we broke up.
I even met her the day I broke up to give her closure but she zoned out alot that day and infact sexual harrased me alot. Few days later was valentine's day and I know alot of people will think it's really sad I broke up before that but I did for a reason. I couldn't fake it anymore. I was not able to smile, laugh and pretend anymore and I thought this would give her false hope for another month for me to again feel like things aren't working. A week later was her birthday and yes I was extremely guilty but again as I said, i couldn't fake it. Valentine's day and then throwing a celebration for her birthday (I did this every year and Is generally keep it special but this year I could not) seemed to just endorse a false Reality for a longer time. Things were miserable. I empathized and sympathize alot (not cause I'm better or anything but because of guilt) so i still picked her calls up after we broke up and didn't block her. But then things got nasty. In order to make herself feel better, I got really horrible messages, blame for things I never did, constant pleading and she even landed below my house multiple times and cried in the street which I had to handle in front of my entire community (my sister practices buddhism and it was a big day that for her, she had invited alot of people to our house to chant together and wanted my family and I to be there to support but due to this incident I was really rattled because my ex was down crying while everyone was in the house, my ex knew about this meeting because it was planned months in advance). As the messages got nasty I blocked her. First on WhatsApp, then on Facebook, then on Instagram (all 4 accounts of hers), then on Google meet, teams, i don't even know where all, as she kept finding me and messaging. Even on email. Her emails still come through in my spam and it's made me very anxious as I still land up checking the spam folder everyday in fear and clear it. It's become a bad habit. Randomly I'll get calls from odd numbers and it'll turn out to be her friends phone and she will talk and I cut the call. I even got video calls on Google meet from her 3rd and 4th email which I had to block.
It may sound brutal but I really tried to give closure to her on the day we broke up, I spent 5 hrs at house explaining everything and instead she zoned out that day and kept get distracted as if she doesn't care and kept sexual harrasing me. Pulling my shirt and unbuckling my pants which unfortunately as a guy I can't push her away i can only tell her several times to stop.
Now I'll be completely honest but I did not tell her every single thing as to why I broke up with her because the anxiety was so much. I was trying to break up since a while and finally did it. I'm extremely socially anxious and everything makes me very nervous when I'm unfamiliar. It's only my second relationship and first time I was serious, my first relationship only lasted 3 months and that was my therapist telling me to explore because I need to be out there. The reason I never said everything is because 1. I didn't want to hurt her ofcourse, it's nasty to hear someone you loved talk about things that can be looked at as flaws but in reality they were affecting me and it was really unhealthy for the both of us 2. I didn't know myself, I knew things are not right but it's only after the break up I've truly understood them 3. I was nervous as she kept saying she wants to suicide from the balcony and threatened me alot of I left that night 4. I genuinely am bad at confrontations, I cannot do it, the pressure makes me run away mostly or just let it be as is.
Over the course of the relationship I had become very dependent on her as socially she's the only person I met. Every weekend or weekday for 2.5 years. I suffered from depression and anxiety alot growing up and often found it hard to make friends. In college however things changed and for those years I was really open. As I did my master's in another country I became reserved again. Returning back home I lost touch with everyone and became a workaholic. For 6 years I worked say and night, had only 2 friends and stayed in my room mostly depressed. Work took me around the globe, I lived in LA for a year and then once covid hit I returned home where during the lockdown I decided " let's try to open up a bit more and meet someone, it's time ". I was very open from the get go that I'm horrible at socializing, I've got only few friends whom I hardly meet, I can be very quiet sometimes and enjoy my own company as well sometimes and I'm a terrible planner for "fun weekends". I know my flaws and I've accepted it. My ex on the other hand was very emotionally dependent on me. She would call me at a stop of a hat and panick and there were days where I've left calls in between to help her through her anxiety. She was younger than me by 3 years and was just going through the phases of career while I was going into a senior position and had seen these phases. I guided her alot on it and so family problems, work problems, random people bothering her, stress anything she would talk to me and I was ever ready to talk. No complaints as that's what partners do. However it became without any boundaries, she would often expect me to drop everything and tend to her. Days where I've got major deliveries to make, she would throw tantrums and in one instance I was supervising the biggest project of my life and she threw lots of tantrums as we worked weekends and 24 hrs round the clock. It was the biggest movie of the country at the time and the first big hit post covid. (i work in the film industry).
I mentioned my flaws earlier as those became her focus of complaint. My insecurities were her complaints about me and she even once broke up with me over "lack of friends and not being a man enough because I can't plan things for the weekend", no doubt she taught me how to have a good time, I had no idea which restaurant to book, what cuisine to pick, which area to book this weekend which is exciting, how to do more fun activities other than dinners and going to cafes etc and for the first I learnt what's a staycation cause of her. I guess she felt the burden was on her but then again anything I'd book she would cancel it anyways. I booked several restaurants that were good but she'd cancel it anyways and then ehen someone else would recommend the restaurant she'd agree to go. It's almost like I had no say in anything anyways so I put my hands up. My social anxiety 5 years was at an all time high and I couldn't even order food as I'd feel the waiter would judge me (which they often did) , I attended lots of therapy for these weird quirks of mine which to an average person seemed like no biggie but it genuinely made me nervous. I got over and thought by the time I met her I'd made good progress, I was able to pick up the phone and book things sometimes, I could order food, I was fine with video calls (I'm very conscious of how I look as I was bullied alot in school), I tried to participate in everything and I gave in all my efforts instead into understanding her and learning who she is first and putting my fears aside. However I feel she didn't do the same. For a long time i believed she understood exactly whats wrong with me and empathized and put it aside but i realised as the taunting went on and the gas lighting that she looked at them as flaws. She didn't bother to understand them or see them but instead gave me notes like a teacher and complained alot on how I'm not social. Infact on her birthday she kept messaging me she's alone so I felt guilty and called and instead she complained about all my insecurities and I had to take it quietly. She even said "I'll make sure the next person treats me like woman and is a real man" which really hurt me alot. I cried that night because of guilt and shame. Guilt because I wanted it work and it didn't and so I had to pull the plug and Shame because for first time in a long time I felt ashamed for who I am.
Today the anxiety driven situation was a social situation. I've come to the US for a family friends wedding and although I know people it's really making me nervous. Indian weddings last the entire week and this wedding has 250 people who have eyes on me constantly as I know few of them or my family knows them. Today was the first day and as usual I was lost, my sister on the other hand is extremely social and I used to depend on her. However a year ago she got drunk in a wedding again while we were out of town and told me "You're social life depends on me you loser" and then proceeded to abuse me alot for no reason while I was helping her as she puked. This wedding it makes me nervous and alone, I cling to my parents and the younger crowd stares at me alot pulling me to dance and I'm very awkward. Idk how to join in or have fun I'm very conscious and Idk any of the songs as I generally don't enjoy Hindi music (not cause of snobbishness but cause I don't get it, I'm more into exploring mellow music and Bollywood sounds all the same to me, also working in Hollywood and Bollywood I'm fed up of movies so I don't watch half of them).
I'm sorry for the long post, it's just that I'm awake and wondering why I got these nightmares, how to get rid of them, how to survive the next few days and what am I doing with my life. There were alot of pretty girls here today and all I could think of was "They are all too much fun for me, I'll bore them to death"