Walmart.pharmacy hours
WalmartPharmacy
2022.06.20 00:32 WMTechGuy WalmartPharmacy
2013.01.08 07:26 ChalkyPills Paris, Texas
Everyone's favorite little town approximately 2 hours from a place where things can be bought in stores that are not Wal-Mart.
2008.07.01 22:41 Pharmacy
A subreddit for pharmacists, pharmacy students, techs, and anyone else in the pharmaceutical industry.
2023.05.29 16:07 OrangePurple2141 Walmart Pharmacy Supportive Personel Percentage
This post is for walmart pharmacists (staff and RXMs). I've been a staff at a walmsrt pharmacy for nearly a year now, the people are OK but I'm noticing a lot of toxic problems that I'm currently trying to fix and I'm getting so much shit from my coworkers while I'm trying to fix it too. The main problem im seeing now is our supportive staff percentage for the year. I'm struggling to find time to fix all the problems at this pharmacy because we don't use all our supportive staff hours (tech hours) and I've been asking the RXM for months now how we could use all those hours (because if we don't, they get cut next year as they did the year before) We're at 90% supportive staff hours, have 5 full time techs no part time techs. My RXM always has the lead tech make the schedule which as you may have guessed has led to so many other issues and as ive looked into adjusting the schedule, the lead tech has threatened to quit (behind my back, not to my face) if I take her schedule privileges away.
The main issue we have with the supportive staff percentage hours is that people take vacations and we do not put a tech in their spot to fill the gap of hours they are leaving behind. Our store doesn't really have the ability to do that because we only have 5 full time techs who work 40 hours a week and I've been told we can't hire a part time or another full time. I've also been told we can't pull techs from other stores or give our techs overtime while we are 40 hours down that week because of someone being on vacation.
The store is consistently behind, every weekend that I work I get us caught up (I as a pharmacist with 2 techs counted over 600 scripts on a weekend, i personally counted over 300 of those, got caught up on all the cycle counts, log copies, ect just for it to revert to being over 300 script behind later that week because of a vacation/sick day and we're 40 hours understaffed for that week.
I've voiced my concerns to the RXM, nothings really happened. I talked to the market manager and he was also really concerned about the supportive staff percentage. I really don't see the staffing issues at other stores that I see with ours (I pick up a lot of hours at other stores too). My market manager said I should keep talking to my RXM but it's not working and I'm not sure what else we could do realistically to get that staffing percentage up given all the barriers
submitted by OrangePurple2141 to pharmacy [link] [comments]
The main issue we have with the supportive staff percentage hours is that people take vacations and we do not put a tech in their spot to fill the gap of hours they are leaving behind. Our store doesn't really have the ability to do that because we only have 5 full time techs who work 40 hours a week and I've been told we can't hire a part time or another full time. I've also been told we can't pull techs from other stores or give our techs overtime while we are 40 hours down that week because of someone being on vacation.
The store is consistently behind, every weekend that I work I get us caught up (I as a pharmacist with 2 techs counted over 600 scripts on a weekend, i personally counted over 300 of those, got caught up on all the cycle counts, log copies, ect just for it to revert to being over 300 script behind later that week because of a vacation/sick day and we're 40 hours understaffed for that week.
I've voiced my concerns to the RXM, nothings really happened. I talked to the market manager and he was also really concerned about the supportive staff percentage. I really don't see the staffing issues at other stores that I see with ours (I pick up a lot of hours at other stores too). My market manager said I should keep talking to my RXM but it's not working and I'm not sure what else we could do realistically to get that staffing percentage up given all the barriers
2023.05.28 20:20 EzekialX Vulturebeard: Bad Roomies Part 2
 | Part 1: https://www.reddit.com/ReddXReads/comments/13lfqkw/vulturebeard_the_legbeard_that_ruined_roomies_fo submitted by EzekialX to ReddXReads [link] [comments] Hi everyone, bunny here. I’m having Ezekial post this for me because while I lurk on reddit, I’m on too many online communities and burn out quickly on all of them. I’m just here to tell this incredibly long tale. Pull up a chair, grab a snack, get comfy. This is a long ride. The Cast List Bunny (author): 33, female, a year or so out of a divorce that turned toxic and abusive and ultimately helped me realize I was gay. Recovering lifelong doormat slowly building a spine. Neuro spicy gym rat with major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, and most recently diagnosed with ADHD. Unfortunately very familiar with surviving trauma. Z (poster): My partner. 31, nonbinary (they/them), also neuro spicy with depression, anxiety, OCD, BPD, autism, and also familiar with lifelong trauma. One Liner Beard (OLB): 33, male, neuro spicy with ADHD and depression. He also suspects autism but isn’t pursuing a diagnosis. His nickname here comes from the fact that in messenger, he usually has one-word replies like “oof” or “mmm” as an acknowledgement he had seen the message but has nothing further to contribute. VultureBeard (Vulture): 30, female, neuro spicy and disabled with multiple conditions. She has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, POTs (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), autism, depression, anxiety, chronic migraines, but also possibly a list of things that may or may not be real – that will all be explained. The star of this unfortunate circus. Her name will be explained in this part. Kid: 3. Female. OLB and Vulture’s child. Likely neuro spicy like we all are, but she’s also only 3 years old. Slightly speech delayed and not potty trained yet. Minor mentions: Shit ass ex-husband (SA): name is self-explanatory. 32, male. Divorce was amicable to keep the peace. I immediately went no contact with him after. J2: Friend of OLBs. You ready? Deep breath. Now let’s dive into this mess. Chapter Two: VultureBeard, or the Walking Diagnosis With the backstory of how we wound up with a neckbeard, a legbeard, and their kid out of the way, I’ll start on VultureBeard properly now. J2 was the one who introduced her to OLB. He ran into her at a local convention, and they talked and spent the day together. He ended up sleeping over at her house, on her couch, since she lived a few minutes away from the convention center, and he introduced her to his D&D group that OLB was a DM for. He said that at first, he wanted to smash just based on looks (before she stopped caring for herself, before the pregnancy), until she opened her mouth. Oh boy. I met her on Halloween 2018 or 2019 (trauma made my memory absolute garbage, ain’t it fun?), when OLB wanted to run a one-shot Curse of Strahd campaign for our D&D group. J2’s group was called Party A, we were Party B. Both of our campaigns existed in the same universe that OLB created. It was a fun one shot. I liked her. We integrated her into our D&D campaign as a side character who joined our party. With her autism, she talks a lot, and can have a conversation with anyone, but she does naturally miss a lot of social cues. She says it’s okay to be direct with her and say things like, “I can’t talk right now, I’m busy.” But in the wild, she just enjoys people. That in itself isn’t a bad thing. When we met, she was a Mormon with long brown hair, glasses, and modest clothes with long ankle-length jean skirts. I don’t know if that was a lifelong practice or just the people she had associated with. She didn’t curse at all, and still substitutes “fudge” for my favorite and most often-used curse word. Over time, she dropped religion, but she only curses in text, and very rarely at that, like when she’s pushed to her mental limit. She still dresses in a lot of the modest clothes from before, but it’s mostly because she doesn’t go clothes shopping a lot. I have passed down some clothes I have shrunk out of to her. Her fashion sense is a bit of Walmart-meets-Goodwill. The tired mom “this is clean, so I’ll wear it” kind of aesthetic. She’s big on thrifting, but so am I. Most of my wardrobe is thrifted or passed on from a few gym friends these days, so it’s not like I’m poking fun at secondhand clothes. It’s just that there’s a lack of style or effort on her part, like she just puts clothes on and sometimes remembers to brush her hair out. I think there’s a part of her that doesn’t recognize she’s plus sized after pregnancy because she once bought clothes that are size medium, and they didn’t fit. She fit my old 2X leggings. I traded her leggings once, my bigger size for her smaller size. She and OLB don’t fold laundry or put it away, so she will have laundry stuffed in their hamper that they keep in our shoe closet next to the laundry room, or boxes on her desk, or on her desk chair. They kind of live out of that clothes pile. If she needs to dress in something nice, it likely is wrinkly because it was in an unfolded pile. The first run-in with realizing that something was a little “off” with her was when she tried cooking for us. We had other friends over to play D&D and Magic with us, and she wanted to cook some kind of chicken and noodle dish. With her POTs (post orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), she’s usually sodium deficient so she adds way too much salt to whatever she’s eating. Not being used to cooking for others, she served us completely inedible chicken that was too salty. One of my former friends was there for that debacle. What she also noticed was that Kid seemed to be behind some childhood markers. At 2, Kid was still using a bottle and didn’t seem to talk much. She was worried that Kid would keep falling behind. It was a red flag that got tucked away. At the time, I was still thinking of Vulture as a burned-out first-time neuro spicy mom. That’s a lot for a disabled woman to handle. As a disabled person myself, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. I gave her too much benefit of the doubt for way too long. Vulture as a person focuses very much on herself. Because of the body aches and pains that come with both Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome and POTs, yes, I understand that her body regularly fights itself. But why is it that every time her body expressed pain, she had to do a loud, “AH, OW” or other pain noises as loud as she could? Or she will complain about whatever is giving her trouble. Some days she will be using her computer quietly, then when I come out of my bedroom, she starts to complain about her daily aches and pains. This happens pretty much every day, for different reasons. Her sneezes are likewise as loud, to where I can hear her across the house, through a closed door and over the show Z and I are watching. Most awkward is Vulture’s bathroom habits. In Apartment #2, I guess Vulture got used to using the bathroom with the door cracked because they lived in a house without roommates, and she needed to keep an ear on Kid. Even now in a shared space, she keeps the door cracked, sometimes with the light off so I don’t think anyone is in the bathroom because it’s more migraine friendly. Until I hear the grunting. THE GRUNTING. THE POOP GRUNTING. I have heard it through my closed bedroom door, because her bathroom is right next to my bedroom. Usually, it’s when my bedroom is quieter, like when Z and I are off to sleep. But I hear her grunting as she’s using the bathroom, either because the door is open, or she is just that loud. I’m terrified to know which one it is. Her hygiene is questionable at best. I know personally that Depression™ makes hygiene and self-care extremely difficult. I myself do the best I can, especially while being constantly sweaty at the gym and a Big Sad (depression) fighter. So, I get mental illness and hygiene. With Vulture and her long hair, she would leave it in a bun for days until it matted. She asked for my help with detangling it and it took me around two hours to safely work the mats and tangles out. When she cut it in a homemade attempt to do the popular wolf cut on Tik Tok, it was much more manageable. When it’s shorter, it has tight curls. She constantly has a natural body odor smell to her. I think with her sensitive skin, she has to wear a specific unscented deodorant, but I don’t think she applies it unless she’s leaving the house. The sink in her and OLB’s bathroom is used as mostly a storage space with things piled on top of it, so I don’t think it’s used for much. The bathtub needs a deep scrubbing, and she gives Kid a bath more than she herself showers. Having heard the poop grunting, I’m afraid to look at their toilet. In general, Vulture isn’t active, but to say that she’s sedentary is a vast understatement. The average sedentary person looks like an Olympic athlete next to her. She occupies two spots in the house: Her bed, or the couch in the living room. For most of the day. She will just have her laptop either on the table next to her or in her lap, and that’s where she spends most of the day, gaming. With me being a gym rat, I am incredibly proud of how I went from a couch potato to a weightlifter. When I think about what would happen if I suddenly dropped to her levels of activity, I know my body would fall apart. I often wonder if her lying in bed or on the couch contributes to more of her body pains because her muscles are deteriorating from disuse. I mean what do I know, I’m not a doctor. That body pain cycles to her being even more inactive because she hurts. It’s a big cycle of negativity. When the weather changes drastically, she will be hit with migraines or allergy attacks, to where she has to lay down all day as well. She takes OTC pain medicine frequently, as well as allergy meds. One of her desk cabinets is a well-stocked mini pharmacy of OTC medication and some prescription medication she has collected over time that expired over a year ago. When I’m hit with a rare migraine, I know she will have something in stock for it. Her doctor says she needs to eat more frequently because she’s always shaky. She will hold up her hand to show me how much it’s shaking, and it always looks as though she’s making it shake from the wrist, instead of it being an actual hand movement. She always tells me, “Look at this,” and holds up her shaking hand, like she’s trying to show me how bad she’s doing, but it’s for different reasons every time. She didn’t eat, she’s too tired, she has a migraine, she has sinus pain – everything gives her shaky hands, which I joked about once. If she has a new symptom, she goes to Doctor Google to look up what’s wrong with her, and then talk in our house chat on discord that she thinks she might have “so and so” wrong with her because the symptoms match. Or she will post screenshots of whatever her symptoms are. As far as I know in the time living with her, she’s never had close medical calls or anything that needed further treatment, except for a heart study where she wore a device to monitor her heart rate. Doctor Google gave her all sorts of things she could have, though. Within the time I started writing this saga, I had this encounter with her in the house group chat on discord that she, OLB, and I are in, about how she thinks she’s allergic to mosquito bites because the bites swelled up and got inflamed: Vulture: Just figured out something I’m most likely allergic to: mosquito’s saliva reaction is increased inflammation around the bite site and the condition is skeeter syndrome. Me: You should get that confirmed by a doctor. It’s mosquito season. (it sounds like she copy/pasted that bit about mosquito’s saliva from Google) Mind you, my former in-laws thought I was allergic to mosquito bites because the same thing happened to me. My mosquito bites swelled up beyond what they should look like, and mosquitos have a good nose at finding me in particular compared to other people. I tried to empathize with her, even though it just seemed like she wanted to identify with a syndrome she found on the internet. She said that she had the same symptoms her friend’s dad had for GERD because her acid reflux was acting up. The GERD saga is a fun one as well, which I’ll fully share later. Funny enough, if I also have something similar to what her current issue is, she doesn’t play Oppression Olympics and say hers is worse. I’ve been dealing with vertigo on and off for the past month and I don’t have the ability to see a doctor for it at the moment. So, when she says that she’s dizzy or the room is spinning, I express empathy or at least a little “oh, same here,” because I have to carefully move my body in ways that don’t make the room spin. It might be her autism, it might be because she doesn’t care, but she never expresses empathy my way. She just moves on. I’ve told her multiple times she needs to see a doctor to check for each new symptom she has, but somehow there’s an excuse. The latest I’ve heard is, “I will once my phone is turned back on. It hasn’t been paid in a while.” Valid yes, but then please get off Google. Because she’s on government assistance and doesn’t have a car and doesn’t know how to drive, she’s ferried to her appointments by a medical bus that stops at the house. They do need to be able to call her. Just please get off Google in the meantime! I’ve even told her that Doctor Google and WebMD will say everything is cancer or fatal and it’s not good for you, and she just kind of brushed it off. One of my friends calls her the Professional Victim. Z is convinced she has Factitious Disorder (formerly called Munchausen’s). She loves to hide behind her illnesses as to why she can’t get out of bed or can’t do chores. If you were to listen to her every day, you’d think she was falling apart at the seams because it was always something. Migraine, body pain, allergies, sinus problems or sinus infections, stomach problems, dizziness, shakiness. Repeat. Forever. She will ask me if her forehead feels hot, and when I can’t tell, she checks with a thermometer. She says, “My natural body temperature is low so 99 degrees is a fever to me.” This is also where I gave her a lot of benefit of the doubt at the beginning, because EDS and POTs will affect the entire body in different ways. One of my friends, in her casual dark humor, will have conversations with me about how she’s just not going to be able to walk properly that day, because her ankle joint slid out of place, but she still finished her work shift. I talk to my friend regularly about her struggles with her body, but somehow it doesn’t have the same self-pity that Vulture’s does. Every disability presents differently between people. As rare as EDS and POTs is, it’s pretty common in online communities because it’s where people tend to flock to. In my time in varying disabled online communities, I’ve never seen someone who complains or fishes for attention as much as Vulture does. If she’s having a relatively good day, she will either be gaming, or maybe she will get to one of the chores that OLB tries to get her to do during the day, like doing the dishes or cleaning Kid’s room. When OLB had prescription Adderall (before the shortage made him switch to a different ADHD med), she took one of his pills and was zooming around actually being productive. She has symptoms of ADHD but doesn’t have a formal diagnosis, so OLB thought it might help her. It seemed to. If she has a bad day, which is most of her days, she stays rooted on the couch or moves between her couch and her bed, moving her laptop with her. She spends all day building in Minecraft, completing her Pokedex, or playing other games. Sometimes when I come out of my room to cook, she says something along the lines of, “I planned on cleaning today,” followed by vague hand gestures of how she’s feeling. I never asked her about her daily plans, but she needed to tell me. Is it self-awareness or guilt? If she’s doing a load of dishes, she will loudly proclaim that she’s dizzy and shaky and in pain and have to go sit down after 10 minutes of that. I don’t know if she actually has the body strength to stay upright for longer than ten minutes at a time, and I don’t know if that’s her actual chronic illnesses, or the fact that she doesn’t do anything at all. I’ve given her the same advice I use myself for low spoon (low energy) days when I need to get things done. I’ve told her it’s okay to take ten-minute breaks and then get started again. Or an hour break, if her body is giving her trouble. I’ve told her it’s okay to clean the house while sitting on the ground or in a chair, if that’s easier on her body. In managing my broken mental health, I’ve taught myself all sorts of life hacks, or as I call them, “brain hacks,” to work around how gross depression makes me feel. And I’ve told her that if it’s a really bad day, the dishes aren’t going anywhere and can wait until tomorrow. That’s meant to be compassionate, not taken in the “if you give an inch, they’ll take a mile” sort of way, but it must be interpreted as permission to not do The Thing. It just won’t get done if she feels she has permission to skip over it. If she does anything, she will want metaphorical ass pats for her good work. OLB jokes that it’s a praise kink, but some days it really seems that way without anyone consenting to participate in her kink. She asks if I noticed she cleaned the kitchen or did some kind of cleaning and if I’m proud of her. I used to play along with the praise because I wanted to give her positive reinforcement, like maybe if I emphasized that it was a good thing, she’d be more encouraged to do it more. I’ve got jokes, apparently. Optimism was so strong early in the friendship. If she cooks, usually it’s something frozen that she can heat up like pizza. Most of the time, she exists on boxed macaroni and cheese or sandwiches. Or what fast food OLB brings home. Most of her diet is processed, instant, or frozen. Or she eats odds and ends like what cereal and junk food is brought home from the food bank or when OLB goes shopping. Since SA left the house, I took up cooking for myself and exploring what I like to cook, as SA was the main cook for the house. My gym regimen helped me meal prep and confront a lot of my bad eating habits, so I started prepping healthier foods. I am the stereotypical lifter that eats a lot of chicken, rice, and vegetables. Z also likes to cook, and it became a way for us to bond by cooking together or one of us watching the other cook and just vibe in each other’s company. VultureBeard gets her name because, one, she is a legbeard. But two, every time I made something early on with her living with us, she always said something along the lines of, “Ooh, that smells so good! It’s making me hungry!” Me, in my doormat stage, took the cue that she dangled and offered her some of my food. Back then, I always tried to cook enough for the whole house. It became a pattern. If I cooked something, she always popped up, hungry and unable to make actual food for herself or somehow her illnesses were acting up and preventing her from cooking for herself. If I said I was popping over to the store, sometimes she would ask if I could pick up a soda for her and occasionally, she would be able to pay me, always in loose change because her disability payments went right to the bills that she and OLB had. I always took the bait because yeah, doormats will doormat and vultures will vulture. She does reciprocate in small ways, sharing some occasional treats with me or saying I can have some of her mac n cheese or Oreo cookies or French fries or whatever food she has some days. But for the most point, a lot of her behavior feels like fishing – fishing for attention, for food, for confirmations of her medical issues. Her general attitude towards housework also contributes to her main other issue that makes me want to scream. She hoards. Empty salsa jars, Nesquik containers, pizza boxes, mac n cheese boxes. She holds onto things that Z and I see as garbage, because she has dozens of DIY projects in mind. She would be the person that followed 5 Minute Crafts for useful projects. To her credit, she did make a nifty sock organizer out of spare cardboard. But she has dozens of empty frozen pizza boxes and macaroni boxes piled up on her desk and ideas in her head, but no actual execution of them. I have pictures on my phone of her desk hoard, and while the desk itself is tall, the pile on the topmost part of the desk reaches the ceiling. That’s at least two feet of buildup. It drives Z batty. With their OCD, Z can’t stand seeing the general mess in the house, but her desk makes them want to throw things. There was an empty Pizza Hut box that spent a week on the floor under the table in the living room before she finally picked it up and moved it to her desk. She scolded my cat for jumping on it. Vulture: I want to save it for a project, I just don’t know what I want to use it for yet. Me: Why not just throw it away? Isn’t it garbage? She only gave a vague shrug, and the pizza box stayed on her desk for another few days until while cleaning the kitchen, Z got tired of looking at it and finally took it out to the outside garbage bin. This is a constant pattern for her. She hoards things that she sees as something that could be useful in the future, but in the meantime it all stacks up and takes up space. She and OLB both are pack rats, which I think enables it further. OLB said that she also hoards food when she thinks there’s a food shortage in the house, but that also includes things that shouldn’t be eaten or are close to being spoiled. She freezes produce and even bread dough she made because she would start projects and then not have the energy to finish them or deal with them properly. I think if Z and I weren’t in the house, it would just be a rat’s nest of garbage. That was why Z and I took on the majority of housework. We have a current setup to deep clean the common areas of the house monthly, and anything she doesn’t pick up that we read as trash will get thrown out. It’s barely making a change in the house, but it’s better for our mental health. It’s unfortunate that the house barely stays clean for two days after we clean it. OLB usually has an excuse for not contributing towards the housework. His ADHD makes him forgetful, plus he hates dishes and purposefully avoids them until he knows he has to deal with it. He’s mostly just exhausted from work. With Vulture? Ten thousand excuses. With OLB working an exhausting but consistent tech repair job, that leaves Vulture in charge of Kid during the day. If she exists entirely in her bed and the couch, how is she able to keep up with a toddler? Oh, that’s going to be a huge tale on its own. Fuckle the buck up. We’ve got a long way to go. And yes, it will make you angry. https://preview.redd.it/6dsfu3ek9t2b1.jpg?width=2256&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1cac8989fda22a037605b375afd1f4aa1d8f3631 https://preview.redd.it/p0bvs9ek9t2b1.jpg?width=4000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=df180ac999d5d11655e0420d5e6f3a7d79e4af14 https://preview.redd.it/ezp4s9ek9t2b1.jpg?width=4000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cdc21833040384d87ede1fa016650721bfb5d732 |
2023.05.27 21:59 CurrentSector3329 Things are getting bad at home with my family. I'm looking for potential roommates to rent with
Hi! I'm Laura! I'm a 22 year old trans woman who's looking for a like-minded person to rent with!
First, I'll tell you a bit about myself:
My hobbies:
Cooking! Ever since my first cooking class in Grade 6, I've loved cooking. I can make anything from pancakes, to stir fry, to a 5 course Christmas dinner complete with gravy, oven roasted turkey, and cranberry jelly!
Origami! It seems simple on first glance, but origami is actually quite tough to do right. If the folds are off by even a small amount, the final product will be a bit uneven.
Space! Astronomy has been a life long passion of mine. I spend quite a bit of my free time watching space documentaries.
Exercising!
My personality:
I'm a fun, confident, and outgoing woman! I love getting to know people! I'm really excited that I'll get to move to a proper city! It's not as easy to meet people in the small town I live in. Everyone is either too busy, moving to Vancouver, or twice my age.
How I realized I'm not cis:
Like most trans people, it took a really long time for me to realize I wasn't cis. I spent several years dressing as a woman in private and using a feminine name before realizing that wasn't very cis of me. Up to that point, I had been in denial about my desire to be a woman. Despite fighting against it with all my might, I could never stop myself from buying a bunch of cute clothes whenever I went shopping at Walmart.
After I started questioning my identity, I realized that I had been acting like such an egg for my whole life! I really don't know how it took 21 years for my egg to crack lol. I mean, no cis guy is constantly overwhelmed by jealousy of women's fashion and makeup! No cis guy wishes that he was born a woman!
Why I'm moving out:
Due to health issues, my family found out I was a trans woman. They ended up being just as transphobic as I knew they would be. On top of that, they invalidate my health concerns and feelings in general. I can no longer put up with them. Plus, I currently live in a small town in the Lower Mainland. There are multiple "Freedumb convoy" supporters on every street.
I'm looking to move to a decently sized city with more job opportunities. I currently work as a Math and Science tutor for high school students, but I'm looking to get back into retail work.
My career plans:
In the first few months after I get a retail job, I will study for the Cisco CCNA exam so I can get a higher paying job as a help desk specialist. After working in help desk for about 6-8 months, I will have the necessary experience to work as a network technician (which is a well-paying job)!
My qualifications:
I have a Pharmacy Assistant diploma and the CompTIA A+ certificate. The CompTIA A+ qualifies me to do computer repair and help desk type jobs.
I've spent the last few months studying interpersonal, sales, and customer service skills. I've made a massive improvement in these skills since the beginning of the year. While I'm not quite at company spokesperson level, I can definitely succeed in any customer service role!
What I'm looking for in a roommate:
I'm happy to live with anyone, regardless of gender or orientation. I myself am a lesbian trans woman (transbian?). However, I do not want to live with any cis straight man.
I don't smoke, use cannabis, or use any kind of street drug. I don't mind if you drink or use cannabis responsibly, but I don't want to live with someone who smokes or uses illegal drugs. I don't drink too much these days because alcohol can cause health issues if on Spironolactone.
Someone who is upfront with any concerns. For example, if you want me to leave a bit more space for your food in the fridge, please tell me. I sometimes miss body language gestures, so it's best to say things in a more direct way like "Can you leave a bit more room in the fridge so I can fit more of my food in there?".
Although I'm a fun and easygoing woman, I don't like partying. Specifically, the kind of partying where everyone is high or drunk, loud music, and a huge mess that takes hours to clean up.
I go to bed at 10 pm and wake up at 6 am. After 10, I'd like you to be reasonably quiet.
Since I'm at the start of my transition, I will not be girlmoding in public. I expect you to keep my identity secret. I will keep your identity secret as well.
I'm currently on a low dose of Estrogen and Spironolactone. Once I get a job as a Network Technician in 2-3 years, I will start fully transitioning.
I will be girlmoding in our house. If you have family or friends visiting that are not very supportive, I will present as a cis man.
Message me if you want to be roommates together! Then we can set up a roommate interview and see how well we get along. For our first meeting, let's do it over Zoom or Google Meet or another video app. If we get along, maybe we could meet at a coffee shop?
At the end of our roommate interview, I will go over my budget plans for the next 4 years.
submitted by CurrentSector3329 to transvancouver [link] [comments]
First, I'll tell you a bit about myself:
My hobbies:
Cooking! Ever since my first cooking class in Grade 6, I've loved cooking. I can make anything from pancakes, to stir fry, to a 5 course Christmas dinner complete with gravy, oven roasted turkey, and cranberry jelly!
Origami! It seems simple on first glance, but origami is actually quite tough to do right. If the folds are off by even a small amount, the final product will be a bit uneven.
Space! Astronomy has been a life long passion of mine. I spend quite a bit of my free time watching space documentaries.
Exercising!
My personality:
I'm a fun, confident, and outgoing woman! I love getting to know people! I'm really excited that I'll get to move to a proper city! It's not as easy to meet people in the small town I live in. Everyone is either too busy, moving to Vancouver, or twice my age.
How I realized I'm not cis:
Like most trans people, it took a really long time for me to realize I wasn't cis. I spent several years dressing as a woman in private and using a feminine name before realizing that wasn't very cis of me. Up to that point, I had been in denial about my desire to be a woman. Despite fighting against it with all my might, I could never stop myself from buying a bunch of cute clothes whenever I went shopping at Walmart.
After I started questioning my identity, I realized that I had been acting like such an egg for my whole life! I really don't know how it took 21 years for my egg to crack lol. I mean, no cis guy is constantly overwhelmed by jealousy of women's fashion and makeup! No cis guy wishes that he was born a woman!
Why I'm moving out:
Due to health issues, my family found out I was a trans woman. They ended up being just as transphobic as I knew they would be. On top of that, they invalidate my health concerns and feelings in general. I can no longer put up with them. Plus, I currently live in a small town in the Lower Mainland. There are multiple "Freedumb convoy" supporters on every street.
I'm looking to move to a decently sized city with more job opportunities. I currently work as a Math and Science tutor for high school students, but I'm looking to get back into retail work.
My career plans:
In the first few months after I get a retail job, I will study for the Cisco CCNA exam so I can get a higher paying job as a help desk specialist. After working in help desk for about 6-8 months, I will have the necessary experience to work as a network technician (which is a well-paying job)!
My qualifications:
I have a Pharmacy Assistant diploma and the CompTIA A+ certificate. The CompTIA A+ qualifies me to do computer repair and help desk type jobs.
I've spent the last few months studying interpersonal, sales, and customer service skills. I've made a massive improvement in these skills since the beginning of the year. While I'm not quite at company spokesperson level, I can definitely succeed in any customer service role!
What I'm looking for in a roommate:
I'm happy to live with anyone, regardless of gender or orientation. I myself am a lesbian trans woman (transbian?). However, I do not want to live with any cis straight man.
I don't smoke, use cannabis, or use any kind of street drug. I don't mind if you drink or use cannabis responsibly, but I don't want to live with someone who smokes or uses illegal drugs. I don't drink too much these days because alcohol can cause health issues if on Spironolactone.
Someone who is upfront with any concerns. For example, if you want me to leave a bit more space for your food in the fridge, please tell me. I sometimes miss body language gestures, so it's best to say things in a more direct way like "Can you leave a bit more room in the fridge so I can fit more of my food in there?".
Although I'm a fun and easygoing woman, I don't like partying. Specifically, the kind of partying where everyone is high or drunk, loud music, and a huge mess that takes hours to clean up.
I go to bed at 10 pm and wake up at 6 am. After 10, I'd like you to be reasonably quiet.
Since I'm at the start of my transition, I will not be girlmoding in public. I expect you to keep my identity secret. I will keep your identity secret as well.
I'm currently on a low dose of Estrogen and Spironolactone. Once I get a job as a Network Technician in 2-3 years, I will start fully transitioning.
I will be girlmoding in our house. If you have family or friends visiting that are not very supportive, I will present as a cis man.
Message me if you want to be roommates together! Then we can set up a roommate interview and see how well we get along. For our first meeting, let's do it over Zoom or Google Meet or another video app. If we get along, maybe we could meet at a coffee shop?
At the end of our roommate interview, I will go over my budget plans for the next 4 years.
2023.05.25 15:59 thecranewife95 My first month on mounjaro for weightloss
Hello everyone!
I just took my 4th dose of 2.5 last Saturday and will be taking my 1st dose of 5 this Saturday, so I would like to share my story using Mounjaro.
From January through April I only lost 3 lbs and couldn't tell a difference in the mirror nor in my progress pics. I had been eating better but still drinking on the weekends and having some issues binging. I also started crossfit (in march) 3x a week and yoga (in january) 1x a week as a way to increase my fitness (hopefully).
I had been seeing ads on insta and videos on tiktok about ozempic and other semaglutides but I had never heard of mounjaro. It wasn't until I was at a dinner with a girlfriend where I brought up this new method and she opened up. Turns out she was on mounjaro for about 3 months and had lost about 15 pounds. She gave me her methods and I ended up researching over the next couple weeks.
I found this reddit (thank you all for being vulnerable and sharing your experiences!) And I read up online from the mounjaro site and other publications.
After deciding I would like to pursue this route, seeing it could help with some of my binge habits and assist me with my weightloss journey, I opened up to my partner about it. I shared the info I found and asked if he would support me through it. He of course said yes.
I used Pushhealth to find a prescriber as I knew for a fact my primary would not be supportive. A nurse practitioner was assigned to me and within a couple of Business days, I got my rx Sent to the pharmacy.
I had it sent to a compounding pharm (i got the pends/brand mounjaro not a generic or compounded version.) as it is what my friend recommended. They did not have the 2.5 in stock and they were unsure when they would get it so I called to different pharmacies and had it sent to Walmart. When I went to pick it up, I knew it would be EXPENSIVE ($1K). But I was excited and got it at that price.
I took my first dose on a Sunday evening after eating and a couple of hours before bed. I wanted to avoid nausea symptoms i had been reading about. The injection did burn at the site but went away after a couple of seconds, and this has happened each time I've injected. I have preferred my thighs.
I haven't had any negative symptoms (thankfully). My appetite has reduced quite a bit but I haven't skipped a meal, they've just been smaller than normal as I do get full much quicker.
The only symptom I did feel was the morning after doing a stomach site injection, I had nausea. Not sure if there was a correlation. It was also the 3rd injection.
I've worked out or taken long walks about 3-4 times a week with little problem. And the crossfit workouts can be a doozy. I have also had drinks during the weekend with no issue, I've just had less to drink than I Normally would.
I saw a couple of pounds lost within the first week. And as of today, may 25th, I have lost 6 pounds after 4 doses. I am ecstatic. I feel good and don't feel like I've limited myself.
So about the next dose:
I reached out to my prescriber for the next month supply and she sent it again to the compounding pharmacy (although this is the place i filled, i did not get a generic or compiund version, i am using the pens/mounjaro brand). Surprise though: ITS $125 for the month!!!!! Yes, no insurance, no coupon, and it was shipped to my door. I was floored in the best way.
I am nervous that the higher dose will mean more symptoms, but I feel prepared.
I have blood work scheduled the week of the last dose just in case as well.
If you've made it this far, thank you. I wish you well on your journey if you choose to take it!
crappy progress pic
submitted by thecranewife95 to Mounjaro [link] [comments]
I just took my 4th dose of 2.5 last Saturday and will be taking my 1st dose of 5 this Saturday, so I would like to share my story using Mounjaro.
I won't be sharing personal info like location.
I have been on a little health journey since the first of the year. Starting at 206 at 5'6" I started having new stretchers appear on my lower abdomen and sides. I gained weight in college and now at 27 I am uncomfortable with my size and how I look.From January through April I only lost 3 lbs and couldn't tell a difference in the mirror nor in my progress pics. I had been eating better but still drinking on the weekends and having some issues binging. I also started crossfit (in march) 3x a week and yoga (in january) 1x a week as a way to increase my fitness (hopefully).
I had been seeing ads on insta and videos on tiktok about ozempic and other semaglutides but I had never heard of mounjaro. It wasn't until I was at a dinner with a girlfriend where I brought up this new method and she opened up. Turns out she was on mounjaro for about 3 months and had lost about 15 pounds. She gave me her methods and I ended up researching over the next couple weeks.
I found this reddit (thank you all for being vulnerable and sharing your experiences!) And I read up online from the mounjaro site and other publications.
After deciding I would like to pursue this route, seeing it could help with some of my binge habits and assist me with my weightloss journey, I opened up to my partner about it. I shared the info I found and asked if he would support me through it. He of course said yes.
I used Pushhealth to find a prescriber as I knew for a fact my primary would not be supportive. A nurse practitioner was assigned to me and within a couple of Business days, I got my rx Sent to the pharmacy.
I had it sent to a compounding pharm (i got the pends/brand mounjaro not a generic or compounded version.) as it is what my friend recommended. They did not have the 2.5 in stock and they were unsure when they would get it so I called to different pharmacies and had it sent to Walmart. When I went to pick it up, I knew it would be EXPENSIVE ($1K). But I was excited and got it at that price.
I took my first dose on a Sunday evening after eating and a couple of hours before bed. I wanted to avoid nausea symptoms i had been reading about. The injection did burn at the site but went away after a couple of seconds, and this has happened each time I've injected. I have preferred my thighs.
I haven't had any negative symptoms (thankfully). My appetite has reduced quite a bit but I haven't skipped a meal, they've just been smaller than normal as I do get full much quicker.
The only symptom I did feel was the morning after doing a stomach site injection, I had nausea. Not sure if there was a correlation. It was also the 3rd injection.
I've worked out or taken long walks about 3-4 times a week with little problem. And the crossfit workouts can be a doozy. I have also had drinks during the weekend with no issue, I've just had less to drink than I Normally would.
I saw a couple of pounds lost within the first week. And as of today, may 25th, I have lost 6 pounds after 4 doses. I am ecstatic. I feel good and don't feel like I've limited myself.
I reached out to my prescriber for the next month supply and she sent it again to the compounding pharmacy (although this is the place i filled, i did not get a generic or compiund version, i am using the pens/mounjaro brand). Surprise though: ITS $125 for the month!!!!! Yes, no insurance, no coupon, and it was shipped to my door. I was floored in the best way.
I am nervous that the higher dose will mean more symptoms, but I feel prepared.
I have blood work scheduled the week of the last dose just in case as well.
crappy progress pic
2023.05.25 06:54 AlternativeFigure233 working in two pharmacies
hi all. i need another job to help with tuition because the hours cut at walgreens isn’t doing enough for me. so is there any possibility i can get fired for working at another pharmacy like jewel osco or walmart? i know working at CVS is a conflict of interest, so i just wanna know if that applies to some or all pharmacies. TIA.
submitted by AlternativeFigure233 to WalgreensStores [link] [comments]
2023.05.22 16:55 sarcasonomicon My patient spent eight million years under a bench at the Glenmont metro [Part 1]
[Part 0]
No person - actually, no living thing - has experienced more suffering than clinical trial subject S-47. S-47 was a healthy male who volunteered to be a test subject for a trial of a drug called Mentanovox. Mentanovox typically yields mild improvement in memory and cognition. S-47 had a different reaction to the drug.
I’m the research scientist who administered the dose of Mentanovox to this poor man. And I consulted with his doctors in the ER after he was found crumpled under a bench at the Glenmont metro station. I have firsthand knowledge of the devastating trauma that a Mentanovox cross reaction can produce. So I couldn’t understand why someone would beg me to put them through what S-47 had experienced. Then I took the drug myself.
Mentanovox is essentially a calcium ion accelerator paired with a protein that binds to certain dendritic neuroreceptors. It makes signals flow faster through the brain. A lot faster. When I administered a mental speed assessment to subject S-47, thirty minutes after I gave him 25 mg, he was able to perform incredible, inhuman mental feats.
He finished a fifty-word word search in three seconds. Solved a maze drawn onto a poster-sized paper in two seconds. His mind worked fast enough to catch thrown cheerios with chopsticks. Mentanovox had pushed him well into the superhuman range of thinking speeds.
His mental speed was still accelerating when he left our offices. I told him to enjoy the extra time he would seem to have, since, to his super-accelerated brain, minutes would seem like hours. At the time, I thought S-47 would view the drug’s effects as a positive thing. I pictured him at home happily speed-reading through books he wanted to find time to read. That’s what I would have done! Or so I thought.
It didn’t occur to me that from his point of view, just getting home from our office would seem like it took days. He must have experienced hours of perceived time just in the elevator from our office. A day waiting for the next train and another day crammed inside a crowded and smelly metro car. If I had thought of that while he was still in our office, maybe I wouldn’t have just sent him on his way with nothing more than a Mentanovox trial pamphlet.
But what happened to S-47 was much, much worse than experiencing the equivalent of days on the metro.
Ninety minutes after I sent him home, I got a call from the ER at White Oak Hospital. A man had been found “behaving bizarrely” under a bench in the Glenmont metro station. By the time he reached the ER, he was unresponsive. Personnel in the ER found the Mentanovox trial pamphlet in his pocket and called my lab.
I took a blood sample and ran an engram decay. I’m oversimplifying the neuroscience here, but basically the cells in a conscious brain continuously make new connections and tear down existing connections. The new connections represent learning and the torn-down connections represent forgetting. When we sleep, cerebrospinal fluid washes away the metabolic debris from this activity. The test I ran measures how much engram decay - forgetting - has happened since the last sleep cycle. Engram decay is a good way of measuring the equivalent duration of consciousness - how long a patient has perceived they have been awake. We use this in the Mentanovox trials to measure the acceleration in thinking speed - more engram decay means the subject has perceived a longer period of consciousness.
S-47’s engram decay results were incomprehensibly large. I ran the sample three times to make sure nothing was wrong with the lab equipment. I got the same results each time - subject S-47’s brain had run so fast, that in the 90 minutes between leaving the lab and winding up in the ER, he had perceived eight million years of consciousness.
The man had been awake so long, in his perceived timeframe, that he had forgotten everything. Literally. His mind had been running so fast, that even the nearly instantaneous act of blinking would be perceived as thousands of years of darkness. From his massively-sped-up perspective, his view of the metro station from under the bench must have an eternal, unchanging scene.
The near-complete lack of mental stimulation he experienced, and the eight million years of perceived time, were utterly devastating. His brain tore itself down in an act of forgetting. The ER sent me a fMRI scan - his cortex had no activity. His gray-matter was essentially a collection of disconnected neurons.
At the time we had no way of knowing what caused this extreme side effect, but we noted that his blood work showed that he had recently taken a sleeping aid. We guessed that the 25 mg dose of Mentanovox, already unusually active in this subject, interacted with the sleeping drug. I compiled everything I had on S-47 into a report and sent it to the head office. The company published an adverse drug reaction bulletin and the Mentanovox trial was put on indefinite hold. I never learned what happened to subject S-47.
Two months later, I was in my office preparing for a trial of a new blood pressure medication when the receptionist called. “There’s a woman here to see you.” Then she whispered, “She said she didn’t need an appointment, because of who she is.”
I met my unexpected visitor in the lobby. A woman in her late thirties or early forties. She wore a black business suit and had a ratty red Jansport backpack slung over one shoulder. She introduced herself as soon as I walked into the busy lobby, as if she already knew what I looked like. “My name is Helen. Helen Kaizen. I work with the Department of Defense, and I need to talk to you about Mentanovox.”
As soon as we got to my office, she pulled a stack of papers from her backpack and dropped them on my desk. It was the Mentanovox adverse drug reaction bulletin. “I need you to do this to me.”
“You want me to … induce the worst adverse drug reaction I’ve ever heard of? In you? On purpose?”
“The bulletin says that a high-dose of Flumazenil could potentially reverse the reaction. I want you to induce the adverse Mentanovox reaction in me, and when I give the signal, administer Flumazenil to slow my mind back down.”
“The bulletin says potentially. Could Potentially - that’s two weasel words in a row. The bulletin has a mandatory future research section they needed material for, so they put in the only wild-ass idea they had. In reality, nobody knows how to prevent, induce, or reverse this reaction.”
“I’m okay with uncertainty.”
“Why would you want to do this to yourself? For what purpose?”
“Science. I want to watch someone die. With my own eyes. In extreme slow motion.”
I thrust the bulletin back at her. “Whoever you are, Ms. Kaizen, your idea of what science is and mine are profoundly incompatible. I won’t help you destroy your brain. I won’t participate in what sounds to me more like a satanic death ritual than clinical research.”
Six weeks later I found myself escorted through security in building G-164 at Aberdeen Proving Ground. My escort: Dr. Helen Kaizen.
Those six weeks opened my eyes to what a truly well-connected person can accomplish, no matter how demented their goals. Dr. Kaizen had somehow gotten a national interest exemption to the Mentanovox ban. I received the original document, signed by the director of the National Security Council herself. Frankly, until then, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a national interest exemption to a restricted drug.
Helen had also somehow influenced the directors of the huge pharmaceutical company that developed Mentanovox. The CEO phoned me and asked me to participate in “Dr. Kaizen’s important experiment.” I asked her if he knew exactly what Helen was doing. “I have no idea. I don’t care. Just give her whatever help she needs. Any questions?” The way she said “any questions” made it abundantly clear that I was not to ask any questions.
Of course, I did have questions. “Why do I have to participate in this?” was at the top of my list. But I already received a counseling letter from HR complaining about my lack of judgment for letting S-47 go home while he was still in the grip of Mentanovox. I felt pressure to “lay low and go with the flow,” and that’s exactly what I did.
Helen met me in the lobby of the massive office building on the military base. When she visited me at my office, she wore a black business suit. Today, she was wearing a white lab coat with “Kaizen” embroidered above the pocket. “Thank you for coming. I trust you have the drugs?”
I showed her what I brought. A 100 mg vial of Mentanovox HCL - she had requested the Mentanovox be compounded in an injectable form - and a box of Ambien pills. I also had a single vial of Flumazenil which, according to the hastily written adverse reaction bulletin, “could potentially” reverse the Mentanovox cross reaction with Ambien.
The guard in the lobby gave me a red badge displaying a giant letter “E” for “Escort Required” and Helen led me into the offices beyond. Helen’s office was a windowless chamber with a floor-to-ceiling whiteboard covering all four walls and even the back of the door. Equations and strange diagrams featuring stars, circles, and what looked like electrical engineering symbols, or maybe ancient runes, filled the whiteboards.
Helen watched me gape at the weird symbology that surrounded us. She laughed. “It’s just math. These - ” she pointed at the markings that looked like ancient runes “ - are just stochastic tensors. The whole thing is just a giant probabilistic differential - never mind.” She thrust a clipboard of paperwork at me. “Sign these please. They’re nondisclosure agreements.”
I worked through the paperwork while Helen rummaged around in a pile of binders and boxes in the corner of her office. “You can wear this,” she said, and handed me a lab coat.
I handed her the signed paperwork and put on the lab coat. “You’re going to destroy your brain, you know. The patient who had the cross reaction was left with a completely unconnected cortex. There’s no coming back from that.”
“Thank you for your concern. But I have a plan.”
I sighed. This was really happening. And I was part of it. “What’s the plan?”
“I’m going to pre-dose with the sleeping aid. I will also take 50 mg of dexamphetamine so I don’t fall asleep. Then we wait.”
“Wait for what?”
“We wait for the test subject to die.”
When Helen visited my office and told me she wanted to watch someone die, I thought she was a lone lunatic. Someone who “did their own research.” You know what I mean. I was completely wrong. Whatever Helen was up to, it had the full support of important people - the head of the friggin’ NSC signed the national interest exemption memo. And apparently it is in the national interest to overdose Helen on an experimental psychoactive drug and let her watch someone die.
I said. “Is this an animal study?”
“The test subject is a human with a terminal disease. He volunteered to participate in this experiment.” She turned to her desk and sorted through a stack of papers and folders. She found what she was looking for and handed me a green folder. “We have Institutional Review Board approval for this. I know it’s a little … unusual. But everything that we’re doing today is approved.”
I remembered telling Helen that her experiment sounded more like a Satanic death ritual than legitimate science. Now, in Helen’s office, with the walls full of strange mathematical symbols and diagrams of stars inside of circles, the same thought again occurred to me. Despite all the trappings of authority and approval, I could not see how this ludicrous experiment was legitimate science.
The phone rang. Helen answered with a terse “yes.” Whoever was on the other end of the call spoke briefly. “We will be right there,” Helen said and hung up the phone. “We have to go to the capture chamber. I will explain the plan in more detail when we get there.”
We marched out of her office, Helen in the lead. We wound through the halls of her second-floor office suite. Then into the stairwell. We descended ten floors. Through fire doors at the bottom of the stairwell, then into another security vestibule.
More checking of IDs, more signatures on sign-in sheets. I put my phone in a small cubby. I was given a second badge that read “Detain and Blindfold if Unescorted.” Then we passed through a glass-enclosed, one-person-at-a-time mantrap, and into a long corridor.
I read the signs on the doors we passed. Some were normal basement-corridor sorts of things: Electrical, Custodial Closet, HVAC. Then the signs got weirder. Pharmacy. Theology. Hospice. We stopped at a door fitted with a small sign that said “Capture Chamber.”
Helen entered her code into the keypad lock. I heard the lock click open and I had a sudden flash of fear. Panic, almost. The feeling was more than just a strong distaste for whatever Helen was doing. I sensed that whatever was behind that door was wrong. Not just ethically wrong, or scientifically misguided. But cosmically wrong. And dangerous.
Helen held the door for me and I entered the room in which I would spend the next one hundred twenty years.
* * \*
The Capture Chamber was a gigantic space, like a Walmart with all the shelving removed. A flawless white tile floor reflected the ranks of hundreds of fluorescent lights that hung from the ceiling fifty feet above us.
A hospital bed was positioned in the center of a raised circular platform in the center of the room. Even from the door - a good hundred-fifty feet away - I could tell there was a patient in the bed. A vital-signs monitor stood to the left of the bed. A man sat in a metal folding chair on the right.
The platform was surrounded by heavy machinery. Huge cams mounted on shiny stainless steel shafts were linked to a maze of interlocking rails that surrounded the bed-platform. A tangle of brightly colored cables wove through the equipment like tree roots or capillaries, giving the apparatus the look of something organic.
Another raised platform stood outside of the ring of machinery. Instead of a bed, this platform held a black leather reclining chair that was oriented so that whoever sat it in could observe the test-subject.. At least two dozen computer monitors were mounted on a metal framework surrounding the chair. Helen led me to this second observation platform.
“The test subject,” she pointed at the patient in the hospital bed, “stopped oral intake six days ago and lost consciousness thirty six hours ago. We are monitoring his respiration and mandibular movement. We believe he will die in the next two hours.”
“Who is that man sitting next to him?”
“That’s his son. Our protocols specify that the terminally ill test subjects must be comforted by one family member. Because both the test subject and the family member must have top-secret clearance, finding test subjects that match the protocol criteria is quite tedious.” Something about the way she said this suggested she thought having family members present was a waste of resources.
We climbed a short flight of steps to the observation platform with the leather chair. The chair faced the center of the platform with the hospital bed where the “test subject” lay dying. Two huge mounting stands holding a dozen computer monitors each stood to the left and right, framing the view of the hospital bed. The monitors flashed and flickered patterns that appeared to be random noise.
Helen walked to the leather chair, and I stumbled behind, slack-jawed, trying to make sense of this bizarre experiment. Or whatever it was. Helen continued talking to me, oblivious to my confusion.
“I am going to pre-dose with the Ambien and dexamphetamine now. The dexamphetamine will counteract the Ambien, so I should have no problem staying awake.
We will wait until his respiration slows to six breaths per minute. Then you will inject me with forty milligrams of Mentanovox.”
She sat in the chair - a surprisingly ordinary reclining armchair. “Please put the drugs here.” She gestured to a small table to her right that held a tall glass of water and a prescription bottle labeled “dexamphetamine.”
Bolted to the left arm of the chair was a gray metal box that held a small garden of switches and lights. A large, red-mushroom shaped button labeled Dose Now stood above the others.
“Once the test subject dies, and I have observed what I need to see, I will press the Dose Now button and you will immediately inject me with 200 mg of Flumazenil.”
She pointed to her left shoulder. A small square of fabric had been cut out of the lab coat, exposing her shoulder. “This is where you will inject the Mentanovox. You will inject the Flumazenil directly into my neck. I will need it to act as rapidly as possible.”
“Helen. Did you actually read the bulletin about S-47? He perceived being conscious for eight million years. His mind was gone when he got to the ER. Completely devoid of cortical connections. His suffering was unimaginable.”
“I’ve done the math,” she replied testilly. “With the dosage I’ll receive, I expect to experience only three to five hundred years of consciousness. It should be a nice break, frankly.”
“A nice break! Nice! Five hundred years. Years! Of just sitting in this chair, watching a corpse, while these monitors flash noise at you?”
“Those monitors are displaying reading material. That one,” she pointed to the upper left monitor on the right-side bank of crazily-flashing screens. “Is displaying Wikipedia pages at the rate of five hundred per second. The one next to it is scrolling through twenty thousand works of English literature at 500 pages per second. And so on for the rest of the monitors - news archives, scientific publications, social media, and so on. We bought special monitors with a five-hundred hertz refresh rate just so we could display information fast enough.”
I stared at the two banks of flashing screens. I couldn’t perceive anything but painfully-bright flickering.
“You’re going to read for 500 years, while you also observe that poor man over there?”
“And catch up on a few emails,” she rotated a computer keyboard out of a slot in the arm of the chair. “Let’s get ready, shall we?”
She produced a headset from the pocket of her lab coat and put it on her head. “This is Helen Kaizen. This is the audio record of observation activity fifty four.”
Observation fifty four? How long had she been watching people die in this bizarre room?
Helen continued talking into her headset. "Current time is fourteen twenty three. I am predosing with one Ambien and fifty milligrams of dexamphetamine." She popped an Ambien out of the blister pack and downed it with a swallow of water. Then she took two pills from the dexamphetamine bottle and swallowed them.
“Now,” she said, turning to me. “We wait.”
She pressed a few keys on her keyboard and one of the monitors in the right bank of screens stopped flickering and instead displayed a standard computer desktop background. Helen clicked on icons and slid windows around the screen. When she was done, the screen held three windows. At the top of the screen was a data strip slowly updating graphs of what I assumed were the patient’s - sorry the test subject’s - vital signs: blood pressure, respiratory rate, blood oxygen, and so on. Below that was Helen’s email inbox (1478 unread items!) and a word processing window open to a blank page.
“I understand that once the Mentanovox kicks in, audio energy will be attenuated to the point where I cannot hear anything. I will not have enough fine muscle control or breath control to speak. So I will type my observations and anything else I need to communicate here.” She moved the mouse cursor to the word processing window. “Please keep an eye on it as we proceed. It will be the only way I have to communicate”
We waited. Helen ignored me while she read and wrote emails. The patient’s respiration slowly decreased. I wandered off the observation platform to get a closer look at the machinery surrounding the patient.
“Stay away from that area!” Helen shouted at me. “I’m going to start the capture sequence soon, and there are a lot of mechanical hazards present when it’s operating.”
Feeling a little like a chided child, I sauntered to the short flight of stairs leading to the platform with the hospital bed. Aside from Helen, the dying man and his son were the only two people in the huge room. Or chamber. Or whatever.
The test subject was an emaciated man who looked to be at least ninety years old. He slept. Rather, he was in a state of unconsciousness that did not look at all restful. His bony, withered body barely made a dent in the soft mattress of the hospital bed. Bruises up-and-down both arms betrayed a long battle with disease that required a lot of intravenous medicines. “Hey,” I said to the son - a middle-aged man sitting next to the patient.
He looked up from the book he was reading. Before he could speak, Helen shouted across the chamber: “No communication with personnel on the test subject platform!”
The patient’s son rolled his eyes and whispered to me, “Helen’s a bit of a stickler for protocol.” I nodded in agreement and wandered back towards Helen on the observation platform.
I walked about, examining but failing to understand the machinery surrounding the test platform. I stared at the flashing banks of screens, trying and failing to perceive even a single screen of content. I stood behind Helen and surreptitiously read a few of her outgoing emails.
An hour passed. Then another. I thought about Helen’s plan to spend centuries of perceived time in this room. I had only been here two hours and I was desperately looking forward to getting the hell out. To spend multiple lifetimes here - to look forward to spending lifetimes here - was a sign that Helen was … different.
“It’s time!” Helen shouted at me across the room.
I jogged to the observation platform. Helen had already prepared the injection of Mentanovox. On the far platform, the son was standing over the bed, holding his father’s hand.
Helen was speaking into her headset when I got to the top of the stairs. “Blood pressure is dropping. Respiratory rate is down to six. The probability of death in the next ten minutes is over ninety percent. Starting the portal stabilizers.”
She flicked a few switches on the control box that held the Dose Now button. A klaxon blared, red cop-car-style lights on the machinery started flashing. The apparatus surrounding the patient slowly came to life. Motors hummed with rising pitch. Shafts turned faster and faster, their cams pushing the strange grid of beams up and down. The fastest moving parts of the machine started to glow and flash, giving it the look of a carnival ride.
The machine spun and gyrated faster and faster. The grid of glowing beams blurred. The machine kept accelerating and the seemling random flashes became synchronized with the movement of the grid of beams, resolving into a glowing five pointed star inscribed in a circle that rocked in crazy, unpredictable ways.
“Capture device trim active. Dosing with Mentanovox now” Helen spoke into her headset. She handed me the syringe. “Dose me with the Mentanovox, then stay on this platform and watch my log entries. And what happens when I press the Dose Now button?”
“200 milligrams of Flumazenil, in the neck.”
“Yes. Prepare the injection now. There must be absolutely no delays when I press the button.”
I took the syringe of Mentanovox from her. “You’re probably not going to survive this, you know. You will suffer terribly for what you perceive as centuries. Eventually, your mind will tear itself down in a catastrophic act of forgetting.”
“I’m aware of the risks. Now inject me.”
I did.
Helen was quiet for a minute. She looked at the patient on the far platform. She stared at the flashing computer monitors. Then she snapped her head to face me and said “Ithinkitsstartingtotakeeffect.” She blurted the words out almost too fast to hear.
“Your perception is definitely accelerated. Maybe about ten times faster.”
Helen turned away from me so fast that she almost fell out of the chair. She darted her hands to the computer keyboard and typed. The key presses sounded more like a drum roll than a human using a keyboard.
Three minutes ticked by. I tried to calculate how long she perceived those three minutes to be. If the quarter-second drop of my pen seemed to take days for her then each second that ticked by would seem to her to be about a week. Three minutes would be … over three years.
I watched her closely. She didn’t appear to be suffering. She could push the Dose Now button at any time, but so far had chosen not to.
Her pattern of frenzied motion and typing suddenly ceased. She fixed her gaze on the patient for a second, two, three. These few seconds were weeks of her time.
Helen shot her fingers at the keyboard again. This time, she typed a message in the journal window:
In the same instant, the patient’s son screamed in pain and he fell to the floor. No - it wasn’t that simple. I looked closer and saw that he didn’t fall. His legs collapsed under him, bent like they were made of rubber, or melting plastic. His legs continued to melt until his torso sat on the platform in a pool of red goo. The man tried to scream again, but the severe trauma, or whatever it was, that ruined his legs started to affect his abdomen. With his diaphragm destroyed, screaming was impossible. So was breathing.
Every instinct in me urged me to run to the door. To get out of that room. But I had a duty to administer the antidote to Helen. I would not be responsible for another person going through what S-47 had.
Helen hammered out another message
On the far platform, the son of the man who, apparently, died five seconds earlier, continued to dissolve. His chest splashed apart like a breaking water balloon. His head and arms fell into the puddle that his body had made, floated like horrific pool toys for a moment, then melted away.
I had seconds to think about what Helen wrote. Take the drug and live. He took his second death in the portal. What would happen to me if I didn’t take the Mentanovox. Would I be literally liquified like the son of the test subject? As bad as that looked, it would be far better than the eight-million years of sensory deprivation that S-47 experienced. And what the hell did second death mean?
But where I had only seconds to think, Helen, in her hyper-accelerated mental state, had the equivalent of days to decide what I should do. To decide what she should do to me. I turned from the screens to look at Helen. She was staring at me - studying me - with unblinking eyes.
For her, every slight micro-expression that flashed across my face, every tiny change in my body language would be an hours-long process. She probably knew what I was going to do before I did: I was not going to take the drug.
Helen rose from the chair before I could even nod my head to signal no to her. Her proprioception system was running 10,000 times faster than her body. With that kind of disconnect in mind-body control, moving normally would be nearly impossible.
Helen discovered this problem as she tried to stand up. She misjudged the force required and literally threw herself from the chair. In another setting, her fall to the floor would have been comical. She launched herself in a twisting arc. Her arms and legs flailed about wildly, but she was unable to control her fall. She landed face-first on the platform, and continued to thrash her limbs uselessly for a few seconds. From her warped perspective of time, her fall must have taken a day or two. These futile efforts on the floor occupied a week of her time.
Whatever else Helen may be, it's pretty clear that she's smart as hell. She can figure stuff out and learn quickly. That's exactly what she did on the floor. She froze, then methodically began moving one limb at a time.
She lifted one leg, then let it drop. She brought her other knee to her torso. She pushed herself up onto her left elbow. She steadied herself with her right arm. Then she rose.
For a moment I thought she was going to fall again. But her movements this time were more controlled. Purposeful. She had learned how to move under the influence of Mentanovox.
Blood ran from her mouth and nose where she smacked her face on the floor. She glanced at the far platform. The test subject's son was still busily liquifying. Then she turned towards me. Her movements were more like a bird’s than a human’s. A sequence of blindingly fast motions punctuated by short intervals of motionlessness.
She moved sideways with a lurching twitch and grabbed the syringe and vial of Mentanovox from the table next to her chair. Her eyes continued to burn into mine as she stabbed the needle through the seal on the vial and filled the syringe.
"No!" I knew shouting was useless because she couldn't hear, but fear had decoupled my mouth from my brain. Panic and terror replaced all other thoughts.
I turned to run. I started to turn anyway. Helen had hours to watch me slowly shift my posture and start to engage my muscles. She lunged at me, perfectly anticipating where my neck would be when her arm reached me. For her, physical struggle must have been an intellectual activity like chess, and not a physical endeavor like fighting. In the split second I tried to get away, she had analyzed my face for tells, saw all the small ways my body telegraphed what I was going to do, then calmly made a plan to stop me.
Despite my attempt to duck and dodge, she stabbed me in the neck with the needle. Even though her attack was lightning-fast, she managed to inject the Mentanovox directly into my jugular.
I was already off balance trying to duck her attack with the needle when she slammed into me. I fell hard to the floor. Actually, no. I started to fall towards the floor. But the massive dose of the drug, injected directly into my neck, took effect almost instantly.
All sound dropped in pitch and then died away entirely, as if the soundtrack of life was a vinyl record that suddenly stopped spinning. The world froze before I hit the ground. In one instant, I was struggling like mad to get away, and in the next instant I was frozen in mid-fall, like a bug fossilized in amber.
ANKoM
submitted by sarcasonomicon to nosleep [link] [comments]
No person - actually, no living thing - has experienced more suffering than clinical trial subject S-47. S-47 was a healthy male who volunteered to be a test subject for a trial of a drug called Mentanovox. Mentanovox typically yields mild improvement in memory and cognition. S-47 had a different reaction to the drug.
I’m the research scientist who administered the dose of Mentanovox to this poor man. And I consulted with his doctors in the ER after he was found crumpled under a bench at the Glenmont metro station. I have firsthand knowledge of the devastating trauma that a Mentanovox cross reaction can produce. So I couldn’t understand why someone would beg me to put them through what S-47 had experienced. Then I took the drug myself.
Mentanovox is essentially a calcium ion accelerator paired with a protein that binds to certain dendritic neuroreceptors. It makes signals flow faster through the brain. A lot faster. When I administered a mental speed assessment to subject S-47, thirty minutes after I gave him 25 mg, he was able to perform incredible, inhuman mental feats.
He finished a fifty-word word search in three seconds. Solved a maze drawn onto a poster-sized paper in two seconds. His mind worked fast enough to catch thrown cheerios with chopsticks. Mentanovox had pushed him well into the superhuman range of thinking speeds.
His mental speed was still accelerating when he left our offices. I told him to enjoy the extra time he would seem to have, since, to his super-accelerated brain, minutes would seem like hours. At the time, I thought S-47 would view the drug’s effects as a positive thing. I pictured him at home happily speed-reading through books he wanted to find time to read. That’s what I would have done! Or so I thought.
It didn’t occur to me that from his point of view, just getting home from our office would seem like it took days. He must have experienced hours of perceived time just in the elevator from our office. A day waiting for the next train and another day crammed inside a crowded and smelly metro car. If I had thought of that while he was still in our office, maybe I wouldn’t have just sent him on his way with nothing more than a Mentanovox trial pamphlet.
But what happened to S-47 was much, much worse than experiencing the equivalent of days on the metro.
Ninety minutes after I sent him home, I got a call from the ER at White Oak Hospital. A man had been found “behaving bizarrely” under a bench in the Glenmont metro station. By the time he reached the ER, he was unresponsive. Personnel in the ER found the Mentanovox trial pamphlet in his pocket and called my lab.
I took a blood sample and ran an engram decay. I’m oversimplifying the neuroscience here, but basically the cells in a conscious brain continuously make new connections and tear down existing connections. The new connections represent learning and the torn-down connections represent forgetting. When we sleep, cerebrospinal fluid washes away the metabolic debris from this activity. The test I ran measures how much engram decay - forgetting - has happened since the last sleep cycle. Engram decay is a good way of measuring the equivalent duration of consciousness - how long a patient has perceived they have been awake. We use this in the Mentanovox trials to measure the acceleration in thinking speed - more engram decay means the subject has perceived a longer period of consciousness.
S-47’s engram decay results were incomprehensibly large. I ran the sample three times to make sure nothing was wrong with the lab equipment. I got the same results each time - subject S-47’s brain had run so fast, that in the 90 minutes between leaving the lab and winding up in the ER, he had perceived eight million years of consciousness.
The man had been awake so long, in his perceived timeframe, that he had forgotten everything. Literally. His mind had been running so fast, that even the nearly instantaneous act of blinking would be perceived as thousands of years of darkness. From his massively-sped-up perspective, his view of the metro station from under the bench must have an eternal, unchanging scene.
The near-complete lack of mental stimulation he experienced, and the eight million years of perceived time, were utterly devastating. His brain tore itself down in an act of forgetting. The ER sent me a fMRI scan - his cortex had no activity. His gray-matter was essentially a collection of disconnected neurons.
At the time we had no way of knowing what caused this extreme side effect, but we noted that his blood work showed that he had recently taken a sleeping aid. We guessed that the 25 mg dose of Mentanovox, already unusually active in this subject, interacted with the sleeping drug. I compiled everything I had on S-47 into a report and sent it to the head office. The company published an adverse drug reaction bulletin and the Mentanovox trial was put on indefinite hold. I never learned what happened to subject S-47.
Two months later, I was in my office preparing for a trial of a new blood pressure medication when the receptionist called. “There’s a woman here to see you.” Then she whispered, “She said she didn’t need an appointment, because of who she is.”
I met my unexpected visitor in the lobby. A woman in her late thirties or early forties. She wore a black business suit and had a ratty red Jansport backpack slung over one shoulder. She introduced herself as soon as I walked into the busy lobby, as if she already knew what I looked like. “My name is Helen. Helen Kaizen. I work with the Department of Defense, and I need to talk to you about Mentanovox.”
As soon as we got to my office, she pulled a stack of papers from her backpack and dropped them on my desk. It was the Mentanovox adverse drug reaction bulletin. “I need you to do this to me.”
“You want me to … induce the worst adverse drug reaction I’ve ever heard of? In you? On purpose?”
“The bulletin says that a high-dose of Flumazenil could potentially reverse the reaction. I want you to induce the adverse Mentanovox reaction in me, and when I give the signal, administer Flumazenil to slow my mind back down.”
“The bulletin says potentially. Could Potentially - that’s two weasel words in a row. The bulletin has a mandatory future research section they needed material for, so they put in the only wild-ass idea they had. In reality, nobody knows how to prevent, induce, or reverse this reaction.”
“I’m okay with uncertainty.”
“Why would you want to do this to yourself? For what purpose?”
“Science. I want to watch someone die. With my own eyes. In extreme slow motion.”
I thrust the bulletin back at her. “Whoever you are, Ms. Kaizen, your idea of what science is and mine are profoundly incompatible. I won’t help you destroy your brain. I won’t participate in what sounds to me more like a satanic death ritual than clinical research.”
Six weeks later I found myself escorted through security in building G-164 at Aberdeen Proving Ground. My escort: Dr. Helen Kaizen.
Those six weeks opened my eyes to what a truly well-connected person can accomplish, no matter how demented their goals. Dr. Kaizen had somehow gotten a national interest exemption to the Mentanovox ban. I received the original document, signed by the director of the National Security Council herself. Frankly, until then, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a national interest exemption to a restricted drug.
Helen had also somehow influenced the directors of the huge pharmaceutical company that developed Mentanovox. The CEO phoned me and asked me to participate in “Dr. Kaizen’s important experiment.” I asked her if he knew exactly what Helen was doing. “I have no idea. I don’t care. Just give her whatever help she needs. Any questions?” The way she said “any questions” made it abundantly clear that I was not to ask any questions.
Of course, I did have questions. “Why do I have to participate in this?” was at the top of my list. But I already received a counseling letter from HR complaining about my lack of judgment for letting S-47 go home while he was still in the grip of Mentanovox. I felt pressure to “lay low and go with the flow,” and that’s exactly what I did.
Helen met me in the lobby of the massive office building on the military base. When she visited me at my office, she wore a black business suit. Today, she was wearing a white lab coat with “Kaizen” embroidered above the pocket. “Thank you for coming. I trust you have the drugs?”
I showed her what I brought. A 100 mg vial of Mentanovox HCL - she had requested the Mentanovox be compounded in an injectable form - and a box of Ambien pills. I also had a single vial of Flumazenil which, according to the hastily written adverse reaction bulletin, “could potentially” reverse the Mentanovox cross reaction with Ambien.
The guard in the lobby gave me a red badge displaying a giant letter “E” for “Escort Required” and Helen led me into the offices beyond. Helen’s office was a windowless chamber with a floor-to-ceiling whiteboard covering all four walls and even the back of the door. Equations and strange diagrams featuring stars, circles, and what looked like electrical engineering symbols, or maybe ancient runes, filled the whiteboards.
Helen watched me gape at the weird symbology that surrounded us. She laughed. “It’s just math. These - ” she pointed at the markings that looked like ancient runes “ - are just stochastic tensors. The whole thing is just a giant probabilistic differential - never mind.” She thrust a clipboard of paperwork at me. “Sign these please. They’re nondisclosure agreements.”
I worked through the paperwork while Helen rummaged around in a pile of binders and boxes in the corner of her office. “You can wear this,” she said, and handed me a lab coat.
I handed her the signed paperwork and put on the lab coat. “You’re going to destroy your brain, you know. The patient who had the cross reaction was left with a completely unconnected cortex. There’s no coming back from that.”
“Thank you for your concern. But I have a plan.”
I sighed. This was really happening. And I was part of it. “What’s the plan?”
“I’m going to pre-dose with the sleeping aid. I will also take 50 mg of dexamphetamine so I don’t fall asleep. Then we wait.”
“Wait for what?”
“We wait for the test subject to die.”
When Helen visited my office and told me she wanted to watch someone die, I thought she was a lone lunatic. Someone who “did their own research.” You know what I mean. I was completely wrong. Whatever Helen was up to, it had the full support of important people - the head of the friggin’ NSC signed the national interest exemption memo. And apparently it is in the national interest to overdose Helen on an experimental psychoactive drug and let her watch someone die.
I said. “Is this an animal study?”
“The test subject is a human with a terminal disease. He volunteered to participate in this experiment.” She turned to her desk and sorted through a stack of papers and folders. She found what she was looking for and handed me a green folder. “We have Institutional Review Board approval for this. I know it’s a little … unusual. But everything that we’re doing today is approved.”
I remembered telling Helen that her experiment sounded more like a Satanic death ritual than legitimate science. Now, in Helen’s office, with the walls full of strange mathematical symbols and diagrams of stars inside of circles, the same thought again occurred to me. Despite all the trappings of authority and approval, I could not see how this ludicrous experiment was legitimate science.
The phone rang. Helen answered with a terse “yes.” Whoever was on the other end of the call spoke briefly. “We will be right there,” Helen said and hung up the phone. “We have to go to the capture chamber. I will explain the plan in more detail when we get there.”
We marched out of her office, Helen in the lead. We wound through the halls of her second-floor office suite. Then into the stairwell. We descended ten floors. Through fire doors at the bottom of the stairwell, then into another security vestibule.
More checking of IDs, more signatures on sign-in sheets. I put my phone in a small cubby. I was given a second badge that read “Detain and Blindfold if Unescorted.” Then we passed through a glass-enclosed, one-person-at-a-time mantrap, and into a long corridor.
I read the signs on the doors we passed. Some were normal basement-corridor sorts of things: Electrical, Custodial Closet, HVAC. Then the signs got weirder. Pharmacy. Theology. Hospice. We stopped at a door fitted with a small sign that said “Capture Chamber.”
Helen entered her code into the keypad lock. I heard the lock click open and I had a sudden flash of fear. Panic, almost. The feeling was more than just a strong distaste for whatever Helen was doing. I sensed that whatever was behind that door was wrong. Not just ethically wrong, or scientifically misguided. But cosmically wrong. And dangerous.
Helen held the door for me and I entered the room in which I would spend the next one hundred twenty years.
* * \*
The Capture Chamber was a gigantic space, like a Walmart with all the shelving removed. A flawless white tile floor reflected the ranks of hundreds of fluorescent lights that hung from the ceiling fifty feet above us.
A hospital bed was positioned in the center of a raised circular platform in the center of the room. Even from the door - a good hundred-fifty feet away - I could tell there was a patient in the bed. A vital-signs monitor stood to the left of the bed. A man sat in a metal folding chair on the right.
The platform was surrounded by heavy machinery. Huge cams mounted on shiny stainless steel shafts were linked to a maze of interlocking rails that surrounded the bed-platform. A tangle of brightly colored cables wove through the equipment like tree roots or capillaries, giving the apparatus the look of something organic.
Another raised platform stood outside of the ring of machinery. Instead of a bed, this platform held a black leather reclining chair that was oriented so that whoever sat it in could observe the test-subject.. At least two dozen computer monitors were mounted on a metal framework surrounding the chair. Helen led me to this second observation platform.
“The test subject,” she pointed at the patient in the hospital bed, “stopped oral intake six days ago and lost consciousness thirty six hours ago. We are monitoring his respiration and mandibular movement. We believe he will die in the next two hours.”
“Who is that man sitting next to him?”
“That’s his son. Our protocols specify that the terminally ill test subjects must be comforted by one family member. Because both the test subject and the family member must have top-secret clearance, finding test subjects that match the protocol criteria is quite tedious.” Something about the way she said this suggested she thought having family members present was a waste of resources.
We climbed a short flight of steps to the observation platform with the leather chair. The chair faced the center of the platform with the hospital bed where the “test subject” lay dying. Two huge mounting stands holding a dozen computer monitors each stood to the left and right, framing the view of the hospital bed. The monitors flashed and flickered patterns that appeared to be random noise.
Helen walked to the leather chair, and I stumbled behind, slack-jawed, trying to make sense of this bizarre experiment. Or whatever it was. Helen continued talking to me, oblivious to my confusion.
“I am going to pre-dose with the Ambien and dexamphetamine now. The dexamphetamine will counteract the Ambien, so I should have no problem staying awake.
We will wait until his respiration slows to six breaths per minute. Then you will inject me with forty milligrams of Mentanovox.”
She sat in the chair - a surprisingly ordinary reclining armchair. “Please put the drugs here.” She gestured to a small table to her right that held a tall glass of water and a prescription bottle labeled “dexamphetamine.”
Bolted to the left arm of the chair was a gray metal box that held a small garden of switches and lights. A large, red-mushroom shaped button labeled Dose Now stood above the others.
“Once the test subject dies, and I have observed what I need to see, I will press the Dose Now button and you will immediately inject me with 200 mg of Flumazenil.”
She pointed to her left shoulder. A small square of fabric had been cut out of the lab coat, exposing her shoulder. “This is where you will inject the Mentanovox. You will inject the Flumazenil directly into my neck. I will need it to act as rapidly as possible.”
“Helen. Did you actually read the bulletin about S-47? He perceived being conscious for eight million years. His mind was gone when he got to the ER. Completely devoid of cortical connections. His suffering was unimaginable.”
“I’ve done the math,” she replied testilly. “With the dosage I’ll receive, I expect to experience only three to five hundred years of consciousness. It should be a nice break, frankly.”
“A nice break! Nice! Five hundred years. Years! Of just sitting in this chair, watching a corpse, while these monitors flash noise at you?”
“Those monitors are displaying reading material. That one,” she pointed to the upper left monitor on the right-side bank of crazily-flashing screens. “Is displaying Wikipedia pages at the rate of five hundred per second. The one next to it is scrolling through twenty thousand works of English literature at 500 pages per second. And so on for the rest of the monitors - news archives, scientific publications, social media, and so on. We bought special monitors with a five-hundred hertz refresh rate just so we could display information fast enough.”
I stared at the two banks of flashing screens. I couldn’t perceive anything but painfully-bright flickering.
“You’re going to read for 500 years, while you also observe that poor man over there?”
“And catch up on a few emails,” she rotated a computer keyboard out of a slot in the arm of the chair. “Let’s get ready, shall we?”
She produced a headset from the pocket of her lab coat and put it on her head. “This is Helen Kaizen. This is the audio record of observation activity fifty four.”
Observation fifty four? How long had she been watching people die in this bizarre room?
Helen continued talking into her headset. "Current time is fourteen twenty three. I am predosing with one Ambien and fifty milligrams of dexamphetamine." She popped an Ambien out of the blister pack and downed it with a swallow of water. Then she took two pills from the dexamphetamine bottle and swallowed them.
“Now,” she said, turning to me. “We wait.”
She pressed a few keys on her keyboard and one of the monitors in the right bank of screens stopped flickering and instead displayed a standard computer desktop background. Helen clicked on icons and slid windows around the screen. When she was done, the screen held three windows. At the top of the screen was a data strip slowly updating graphs of what I assumed were the patient’s - sorry the test subject’s - vital signs: blood pressure, respiratory rate, blood oxygen, and so on. Below that was Helen’s email inbox (1478 unread items!) and a word processing window open to a blank page.
“I understand that once the Mentanovox kicks in, audio energy will be attenuated to the point where I cannot hear anything. I will not have enough fine muscle control or breath control to speak. So I will type my observations and anything else I need to communicate here.” She moved the mouse cursor to the word processing window. “Please keep an eye on it as we proceed. It will be the only way I have to communicate”
We waited. Helen ignored me while she read and wrote emails. The patient’s respiration slowly decreased. I wandered off the observation platform to get a closer look at the machinery surrounding the patient.
“Stay away from that area!” Helen shouted at me. “I’m going to start the capture sequence soon, and there are a lot of mechanical hazards present when it’s operating.”
Feeling a little like a chided child, I sauntered to the short flight of stairs leading to the platform with the hospital bed. Aside from Helen, the dying man and his son were the only two people in the huge room. Or chamber. Or whatever.
The test subject was an emaciated man who looked to be at least ninety years old. He slept. Rather, he was in a state of unconsciousness that did not look at all restful. His bony, withered body barely made a dent in the soft mattress of the hospital bed. Bruises up-and-down both arms betrayed a long battle with disease that required a lot of intravenous medicines. “Hey,” I said to the son - a middle-aged man sitting next to the patient.
He looked up from the book he was reading. Before he could speak, Helen shouted across the chamber: “No communication with personnel on the test subject platform!”
The patient’s son rolled his eyes and whispered to me, “Helen’s a bit of a stickler for protocol.” I nodded in agreement and wandered back towards Helen on the observation platform.
I walked about, examining but failing to understand the machinery surrounding the test platform. I stared at the flashing banks of screens, trying and failing to perceive even a single screen of content. I stood behind Helen and surreptitiously read a few of her outgoing emails.
Subj: Risk analysis of portal capture experimentsHelen glanced back at me with a glare that clearly communicated she did not appreciate me reading her emails over her shoulder. I returned to strolling about the perimeter of the room.
Subj: Military benefits of applied theological research
Subj: Timecard failed floor check
An hour passed. Then another. I thought about Helen’s plan to spend centuries of perceived time in this room. I had only been here two hours and I was desperately looking forward to getting the hell out. To spend multiple lifetimes here - to look forward to spending lifetimes here - was a sign that Helen was … different.
“It’s time!” Helen shouted at me across the room.
I jogged to the observation platform. Helen had already prepared the injection of Mentanovox. On the far platform, the son was standing over the bed, holding his father’s hand.
Helen was speaking into her headset when I got to the top of the stairs. “Blood pressure is dropping. Respiratory rate is down to six. The probability of death in the next ten minutes is over ninety percent. Starting the portal stabilizers.”
She flicked a few switches on the control box that held the Dose Now button. A klaxon blared, red cop-car-style lights on the machinery started flashing. The apparatus surrounding the patient slowly came to life. Motors hummed with rising pitch. Shafts turned faster and faster, their cams pushing the strange grid of beams up and down. The fastest moving parts of the machine started to glow and flash, giving it the look of a carnival ride.
The machine spun and gyrated faster and faster. The grid of glowing beams blurred. The machine kept accelerating and the seemling random flashes became synchronized with the movement of the grid of beams, resolving into a glowing five pointed star inscribed in a circle that rocked in crazy, unpredictable ways.
“Capture device trim active. Dosing with Mentanovox now” Helen spoke into her headset. She handed me the syringe. “Dose me with the Mentanovox, then stay on this platform and watch my log entries. And what happens when I press the Dose Now button?”
“200 milligrams of Flumazenil, in the neck.”
“Yes. Prepare the injection now. There must be absolutely no delays when I press the button.”
I took the syringe of Mentanovox from her. “You’re probably not going to survive this, you know. You will suffer terribly for what you perceive as centuries. Eventually, your mind will tear itself down in a catastrophic act of forgetting.”
“I’m aware of the risks. Now inject me.”
I did.
Helen was quiet for a minute. She looked at the patient on the far platform. She stared at the flashing computer monitors. Then she snapped her head to face me and said “Ithinkitsstartingtotakeeffect.” She blurted the words out almost too fast to hear.
“Your perception is definitely accelerated. Maybe about ten times faster.”
Helen turned away from me so fast that she almost fell out of the chair. She darted her hands to the computer keyboard and typed. The key presses sounded more like a drum roll than a human using a keyboard.
I can hear you, but your voice is slowed and frequency shifted. I cannot understand. I will communicate through this screen. Please type your response to me hereI leaned over her keyboard and typed
How long does it seem to take for my pen to fall?I stepped in front of Helen. Her eyes were darting about in a frenzy. Her gaze oscillated between me, the computer monitors, and the patient on the far platform. I pulled a pen out of my pocket and dropped it onto the floor. Helen drumroll-typed her response:
Days to fall. Sound is gone. Time to get to work.Helen did exactly what she said she would do. She jerked her head back and forth between screens, reading whatever information they were flashing at her. She opened emails and slammed text into the response window. Occasionally her eyes would linger on the patient in the center of the whirling machinery, then she would return to the frenzy of reading and writing.
Three minutes ticked by. I tried to calculate how long she perceived those three minutes to be. If the quarter-second drop of my pen seemed to take days for her then each second that ticked by would seem to her to be about a week. Three minutes would be … over three years.
I watched her closely. She didn’t appear to be suffering. She could push the Dose Now button at any time, but so far had chosen not to.
Her pattern of frenzied motion and typing suddenly ceased. She fixed her gaze on the patient for a second, two, three. These few seconds were weeks of her time.
Helen shot her fingers at the keyboard again. This time, she typed a message in the journal window:
He’s deadChaos broke out. A moment after Helen typed her message, the vital signs monitor threw up a red warning message:
Resp 0, HR: 0Helen’s hands raced over the control panel in a blur, flicking switches and turning dials. The churning satanic carnival-ride of a machine came to an abrupt stop with a screech and a bang. The floor shook as the foundation of the building absorbed the forces involved in bringing tons of spinning and thrashing metal to an instant stop. The circle-and-star shape glowed brighter than ever, held fixed at a strange angle by the frozen machine.
In the same instant, the patient’s son screamed in pain and he fell to the floor. No - it wasn’t that simple. I looked closer and saw that he didn’t fall. His legs collapsed under him, bent like they were made of rubber, or melting plastic. His legs continued to melt until his torso sat on the platform in a pool of red goo. The man tried to scream again, but the severe trauma, or whatever it was, that ruined his legs started to affect his abdomen. With his diaphragm destroyed, screaming was impossible. So was breathing.
Every instinct in me urged me to run to the door. To get out of that room. But I had a duty to administer the antidote to Helen. I would not be responsible for another person going through what S-47 had.
Helen hammered out another message
He’s taken his second death in the portal.I had no idea what the first line of Helen’s message meant. Second death? Portal? Those words meant nothing to me. But the second line I understood. And there was no way I would dose myself with that drug. To live a thousand lifetimes in this bleak, underground facility? I’d rather die.
Dose yourself with Mentanovox now or you will die
On the far platform, the son of the man who, apparently, died five seconds earlier, continued to dissolve. His chest splashed apart like a breaking water balloon. His head and arms fell into the puddle that his body had made, floated like horrific pool toys for a moment, then melted away.
I had seconds to think about what Helen wrote. Take the drug and live. He took his second death in the portal. What would happen to me if I didn’t take the Mentanovox. Would I be literally liquified like the son of the test subject? As bad as that looked, it would be far better than the eight-million years of sensory deprivation that S-47 experienced. And what the hell did second death mean?
But where I had only seconds to think, Helen, in her hyper-accelerated mental state, had the equivalent of days to decide what I should do. To decide what she should do to me. I turned from the screens to look at Helen. She was staring at me - studying me - with unblinking eyes.
For her, every slight micro-expression that flashed across my face, every tiny change in my body language would be an hours-long process. She probably knew what I was going to do before I did: I was not going to take the drug.
Helen rose from the chair before I could even nod my head to signal no to her. Her proprioception system was running 10,000 times faster than her body. With that kind of disconnect in mind-body control, moving normally would be nearly impossible.
Helen discovered this problem as she tried to stand up. She misjudged the force required and literally threw herself from the chair. In another setting, her fall to the floor would have been comical. She launched herself in a twisting arc. Her arms and legs flailed about wildly, but she was unable to control her fall. She landed face-first on the platform, and continued to thrash her limbs uselessly for a few seconds. From her warped perspective of time, her fall must have taken a day or two. These futile efforts on the floor occupied a week of her time.
Whatever else Helen may be, it's pretty clear that she's smart as hell. She can figure stuff out and learn quickly. That's exactly what she did on the floor. She froze, then methodically began moving one limb at a time.
She lifted one leg, then let it drop. She brought her other knee to her torso. She pushed herself up onto her left elbow. She steadied herself with her right arm. Then she rose.
For a moment I thought she was going to fall again. But her movements this time were more controlled. Purposeful. She had learned how to move under the influence of Mentanovox.
Blood ran from her mouth and nose where she smacked her face on the floor. She glanced at the far platform. The test subject's son was still busily liquifying. Then she turned towards me. Her movements were more like a bird’s than a human’s. A sequence of blindingly fast motions punctuated by short intervals of motionlessness.
She moved sideways with a lurching twitch and grabbed the syringe and vial of Mentanovox from the table next to her chair. Her eyes continued to burn into mine as she stabbed the needle through the seal on the vial and filled the syringe.
"No!" I knew shouting was useless because she couldn't hear, but fear had decoupled my mouth from my brain. Panic and terror replaced all other thoughts.
I turned to run. I started to turn anyway. Helen had hours to watch me slowly shift my posture and start to engage my muscles. She lunged at me, perfectly anticipating where my neck would be when her arm reached me. For her, physical struggle must have been an intellectual activity like chess, and not a physical endeavor like fighting. In the split second I tried to get away, she had analyzed my face for tells, saw all the small ways my body telegraphed what I was going to do, then calmly made a plan to stop me.
Despite my attempt to duck and dodge, she stabbed me in the neck with the needle. Even though her attack was lightning-fast, she managed to inject the Mentanovox directly into my jugular.
I was already off balance trying to duck her attack with the needle when she slammed into me. I fell hard to the floor. Actually, no. I started to fall towards the floor. But the massive dose of the drug, injected directly into my neck, took effect almost instantly.
All sound dropped in pitch and then died away entirely, as if the soundtrack of life was a vinyl record that suddenly stopped spinning. The world froze before I hit the ground. In one instant, I was struggling like mad to get away, and in the next instant I was frozen in mid-fall, like a bug fossilized in amber.
ANKoM
2023.05.22 09:47 realCalendarHours Walmart Pharmacy Hours Today
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2023.05.18 03:18 xxmandi switching positions after 2 months
so i started walmart as a pharmacy sales associate 2 months ago and was promised to be trained to be a tech and it still hasn’t happened. also i get 20-27 hours every week. and when i am at work they try to send me home early basically every shift because there is absolutely nothing for me to do and it seems like none of the techs want to be bothered with training me. the most important thing to me is that i need more hours as soon as i possibly can. i put in my career interest on onewalmart for ogp position and i’m just hoping i can switch departments and get more hours without offending the pharmacy. i just hate being stuck staring off into space waiting on somebody to get in line. and also the 500$ every 2 weeks isn’t cutting it. has anyone made a similar switch? if i get put into ogp i wonder if they will have me start right away or have me finish my 3 week schedule that’s already out (20-25 hours each week)
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2023.05.17 05:20 fractalfay The Holding Tank for Temporary Insanity: Recap of 90DFTOW S04E15 and Tell-All Part 1
Monica’s doing the most to push Isabel and Gabe’s storyline into a second season, because Isabel and her fam are wholesome as fuck, and Happily Ever After ends with a question mark for a reason, people.
“I’m willing to skip the wedding and see everything as a precursor to divorce if I don’t have to listen to Gabe’s excuses for being late,” Monica strikes a devil’s bargain.
“Is it too late for me to be The Problem?” Mom asks from the frontlines of dragging Gabe to the altar by his ankle.
Gabe arrives at the venue in time to marvel at the work other people have accomplished. Isabel’s still angry about Gabe’s late arrival and indifference to the stress it caused, and it’s raining, but her focus is on making things magical. Her hair accessories provide a solid start, and she gets dressed and looks beautiful. Artfully arranged motion-lights announce Gabe’s mom will be frowning him down the aisle, before Isabel’s dad leads her towards Gabe and his forgotten compliment.
“My heart is beating so fast,” Gabe whispers to Isabel.
“Do you like it?” Isabel tries. “For fuck’s sake, can you remember there’s a second person here?”
“I told you, Monica is sick!” Gabe chooses the wrong second person. “Also, I like it.”
Isabel recovers, and scene-stealer Miguel steps forward to present the rings, while Isabel’s daughter Sara looks on and dabs at happy tears. Isabel giggles at Gabe’s sausage fingers and requests lube to slide the ring on, and when no one shouts “It’s a sign!” it’s clear Monica really did stay home. Isabel beams at the ring on her finger, and the oldest man in Colombia pronounces them married, and Gabe’s mom finally finds her smile.
Isabel’s enjoying the wedding so much she forgets to sound-scan for the complaint-octave, and when all she hears is laughter she knows Monica really is missing. Gabe pauses his fork struggles when Isabel asks about her, and explains Monica’s mad about last night, and it doesn’t really matter, because she’ll still be mad tomorrow, the next day, and at some point she’ll switch reasons.
“Let’s move on like Shaun’s on,” Gabe is ready to dance.
“I’m not ready yet!” Shaun is torn between three lime dresses.
Isabel says Monica owes Gabe an explanation, and she can deliver it from a motorized scooter in the aisles of Walmart for all she cares, because she’s enjoying this wedding. Everyone keeps the fun-pledge, and Isabel’s parents report their happiness at seeing them married. Miguel’s vow of silence holds firm, so Sara volunteers to express joy for both of them. Miguel solidifies his status as side-character MVP with a bounce dance of approval, and looks like an adorable mini-version of Isabel’s dad.
The crew in Egypt is planning to fight Team Colombia in the street before the reunion like Gangs of New York, because they’re that pissed about pulling the bummer card.
“What’s that? Film another fucking clothing talk?” Camera #2’s eyes are shaking around his head. “How about I film this fucker making a dresser in the street instead? GET IT? HA HA HA I’M FINE!”
Nicole’s chosen an Out of Africa ensemble for this boring, and she congratulates Mahmoud for not asking her to button it over her face. Then she asks if he’s ready for what was always their plan, and Mahmoud says he is, but he’s got a full spank bank just in case she doesn’t spring for airfare or exposes both shoulders at the reunion.
“It is a choice of course, and if you make one I don’t like, then I will be angry,” Mahmoud explains it all.
“Is there any way you could address your own anger about that, since before it was about your culture and your country, and my culture is basically rollerskating in a thong between bong rips?” Nicole adds an LA addendum.
Mahmoud says he doesn’t like how she threatens to leave him, and Nicole switches to the other women he’s texting, and how weird it is that a man who reportedly doesn’t want to leave Egypt only talks to women from other countries.
“You saw how women in Egypt is like so uppity with your friend who does sexy yoga for men, yes?” Mahmoud with the defense!
“How old are you?” Nicole asks, as he giggles and hides his face.
“Like mentally, or like, spiritually, or like birth certificate or something?” Mahmoud needs her to be more specific.
Mahmoud tries to keep a straight face when he asks why she went through his phone, and Nicole asks about the girl from China he sent the “hang in there” cat meme to, when he knows that’s their thing.
“Yes?” Mahmoud isn’t sure if there’s a question in there.
“Thank you.” Nicole puts her foot down?
“You are welcome?” Mahmoud is lost, too.
Nicole thinks people make a lot of very deliberate mistakes over and over again, and she’d rather leave the past in the past so they can focus on the next season.
“I’m willing to overlook this, because if you overlook enough red flags, eventually you can stitch them into a parachute,” Nicole says. “Remember that game from elementary school, honey bunny?”
“Elementary school was like three four weeks ago,” Mahmoud recalls. “I know it is like yes honey I love you so much.”
Rishi goes to temple to reflect on being dumped, and the astrologer meets him there to told-you-so. He’s not ready to accept that it’s over with Jen, but the rest of us are fine.
“I’m more than fine,” Randi interrupts, before sending Rishi another message from London.
“I forgot to tell you something,” the astrologer fights for relevancy. “When I said you should wait, I meant you should wait forever, because there is no moment in time when you and Jen are compatible. Not on earth, or any neighboring planets.”
“I’m still willing to fight for another season,” Rishi insists.
Jen is still receiving texts from Rishi, so she dolls herself up for a second in-person breakup. Rishi arrives with a side-hug and thoughts on the humidity putting his hair at peril. She asks where they stand, and Rishi points out they’re sitting down, which makes this hard to accept.
“You say goodbye, and I say hello,” Rishi presses. “Hello hello. I don’t know why—“
“I’m not letting a poem slip through the door!” Jen wipes away tears, and tells him she’s going back to Oklahoma. She feels she has no control over the relationship, but she doesn’t regret it, and so they say goodbye again to see if Rishi will jai-ho after her this time. He opts to stare instead, and promises to fight for their relationship with lukewarm conviction once the cameras return.
Kris is about to clock 24 hours in Colombia, and that’s as long as Jeymi’s willing to wait to call her out on the excuse wheel that never stops spinning.
“I’ll be back when I figure out why you’re unreasonable!” Kris shouts.
“Of course, because I was talking, and now you are one who is talking like always,” Jeymi awaits the coming reprimand.
“My son is in jail,” Kris mines for a Johnny Cash song that can strum her out of this. “Also, money. I told her $400, and she came at me with $550.”
“I’m sorry, where is this again?” Daniele interrupts.
“The situation with her son was much before my birthday,” Jeymi sets the record straight. “She tell her mom she send $1,000, and tells me $550 is too much. I have so much debt now. Two weeks turned into five months, and this math is so empty.”
“I’m sorry, there is no time when this relationship will work,” the astrologer stops by for seconds.
Kris returns from the weapons store armed with bullying and storming away, and thinks this might convince Jeymi to apologize for expecting anything from her.
“You can’t talk about something and not let me respond to what you’re saying.” This point doesn’t sound like Kris.
“I have too much things in my head I have to tell you —“
“How much did I tell you I could pay for rent?” There she is!
“What are you talk about rent, I talk about being abandon—”
“I’m done!” Kris declares. “My son comes first when we’re sharing a cell. I told you! Find someone else to pay your fucking bills!”
“I obviously did, or I would have been evicted!” Jeymi marvels at being yelled at by someone who asked her not to raise her voice.
Kris storms all the way to the van, and production opens the door reluctantly, because they really expected something to happen before the “done” declaration. Jeymi directs her attention to production, and gets a few more digs in about how absurd it is that Kris thinks she wants her for things, when she’s seen Kris’ things, and no one has “keychain ashes” on their Amazon wish list. Kris orders Jeymi to stop talking to production, and then shoves Jeymi out of the van and shuts the door.
“You see?” Jeymi shouts to the camera. “She probably need go to pharmacy! AGAIN!”
“Or maybe the weapons store!” Kris shouts back. “AGAIN!”
Jeymi cries in the car, while the editors struggle to stitch together a series of events that allow this to make sense as a death-blow to MARRIAGE, before flipping coins to decide who is going to pilot the Kris carriage towards her next disaster.
Now it’s time for Part 1 of the Tell-All, and Gabe wakes up and worries about Isabel being late, because he’s confused her for himself. Jen gets ready and pre-hates Oussama to prove she watched this season, and Nicole arrives at the studio determined to manifest a good day with an assist from an extra inch of hair.
Gabe: Hi Nicole! I hate your husband!
Nicole: Okay, but I’m not asking permission to wear things anymore. I’m just going to send him pictures of several clothing options, and prepare to apologize when the stylist overrules him.
Daniele: Hi everyone!
Nicole: I’m surprised you’re pretty!
Daniele: That was weird. What does everyone think of Oussama?
Nicole: I’m sure he love-bombed the shit out of her before she arrived in Morocco! That’s happened to me before!
Daniele: Is it happening now?
Gabe: I don’t think he’s using her for a visa at all.
Nicole: So you only watched your own scenes?
Debbie: I’m here, at the epicenter of temporary insanity!
Kris: Me too, and I definitely did not just get out of prison, rehab, or Love After Lockup. I was told there would be hair and makeup, so I did not come prepared.
Nicole: There is, it’s just for everyone else.
Gabe: Oh I’m so sick, I have narcolepsy, I fell in the parking lot, wah.
Kris: Was it easier to be on time because no one needed your help?
Tim and Veronica: We’re here.
Everyone: Why?
Shaun: Welcome everyone! Hi, my name’s Shaun…Gabe, is your hand up already?
Gabe: I have a problem with Debbie.
Shaun: I have a problem with my hearing, because there’s no possible way you could have said that Gabe.
Gabe: I think Oussama’s sincere.
Shaun: Well, you also think your business is successful, so LET’S MOVE ON. Yohan, are you single?
Yohan: Hello Shaun. That dress is very flattering and you are an ageless dove of womanhood. Surely you’ve seen my dick by now.
Shaun: We’ll get to that a bit later. Oussama, hi, are things over with you and Debbie?
Oussama: Yes.
Shaun: How many times have you tried calling Debbie since saying that?
Oussama: Today, or in total?
Shaun: Rishi and Jen, hi. Have you been breaking up longer than you’ve been dating?
Jen: Yes.
Shaun: Isabel, hi! How organized are you now that Gabe is in NYC?
Isabel: Very, but I miss losing my keys.
Shaun: Nicole! You have a shoulder!
Nicole: The stylists thought this would be the most upsetting.
Shaun: Let’s look back on Oussama loudly announcing user-plans.
Oussama: …you have like mental sickness of something.
Gabe: Awww!
Shaun: Are you okay, Gabe?
Oussama: Debbie say she move to Morocco forever, and this was not the plan. The plan was we go to United States.
Yohan: I am with Oussama on this one.
Daniele: Of course you are.
Isabel: So you are with Daniele, exactly the same as Oussama?
Yohan: Yes!
Shaun: Do you know what you did there?
Yohan: Not at all. All I know is, get him a green card and help this man get a job.
Daniele: She’s not a nonprofit.
Oussama: Also, I am not a job.
Shaun: Were you really in love with Debbie?
Oussama: Then. But now, I don’t love her.
Nicole: Just because she didn’t get you a visa?
Oussama: Yes, that is how conditional love works.
Shaun: Why are you stalking her then?
Oussama: I want to make sure our breakup is clear.
Nicole: Things should be clear when she doesn’t answer your phone calls.
Jen: I know RIGHT? Who needs to break up REPEATEDLY?
Shaun: Um.
Oussama: I have text amnesia.
Gabe: She could be using him to live in Morocco.
Shaun: Gabe, I’m going to need you to reach for Miguel silence until the edible break.
Debbie: Oussama doesn’t know what love means.
Shaun: Julian, go off.
Julian: Boy let me tell you something. You can probably tell by my everything that I’m a cop with three brutality complaints, and I’m comfortable reaching for four.
Jen: I love you. I do love you.
Rishi: I can also be professional wrestler.
Shaun: Julian, you tell everyone you’re a cop shortly after hello, right?
Julian: Absolutely, Shaun. I’m a cop, I can sniff out bullshit a mile away.
Shaun: Is that the reputation of cops? That is not on my card.
Julian: Get your act together, quit preying off elderly women, and get yourself a job.
Shaun: This is my job.
Oussama: I will not get a job, I am a poet and I will die for my dream.
Poets: Probably.
Shaun: Oussama, can you really live off $100 and 30 free copies of a chapbook? Or are you planning to be rich in compliments?
Debbie: Look, there was one time where we joked about getting him a visa, and I explained they would just look at our ages and laugh us out of the office.
Shaun: That hasn’t stopped anyone on this show before. Tell me you at least sent him money.
Debbie: Yes, and it was chump change. I don’t see anything wrong with helping someone out now and again.
Yohan: Yes, Debbie, you are as beautiful as you are wise. I understand you are single now, yes?
Gabe: Sell your paintings! Tourists love that shit! Set up a little booth and airbrush their children onto t-shirts.
Oussama: No. I’m not selling underwears or something. I’m selling something valuable.
Shaun: Are you sure?
Oussama: It doesn’t make sense for you because you’re not an artist.
Gabe: I would like to take back my Oussama defense.
Shaun: Seriously, at least skim the season between tequila shots like the rest of us, Gabe.
Julian: Mama, I want you to find a real man. Someone who introduces himself with his profession and does everything in his power to not let you forget it.
Yohan: Hello, I am in the Dominican Republic, and I am working so very hard with many jobs. You can call me Papa, young man.
Daniele: I’m still on this fucking stage, Yohan.
Shaun: Would you ever take Oussama back, Debbie? You’re scoring surprisingly high on our self-esteem chart.
Debbie: He’d have to move mountains for me to be with him.
Shaun: Nevermind.
Oussama: I do not have a mountain, but I am artist, so here is painting of mountain.
Julian: That’s just a red circle with two lines. I’m taking away all your technology, mama. This is why we need to stop Facebook.
Shaun: Debbie and Oussama, I don’t know WHERE this relationship is going, but I know I’m going to the ladies for a little toot-toot in the snoot-snoot.
Julian: Nowhere. It’s going nowhere, Shaun.
Debbie: Julian! Oussama did not look well. Maybe he needs therapy.
Julian: Maybe you need to stop thinking about what he needs and start thinking about what you need. The answer is still therapy.
Debbie: Guess what Julian? Didn’t you think Jen is kinda cute and nice and maybe she’s batting her eyes at you a little bit?
Julian: You got my number you can give it to her, okay?
Debbie: I think I have a different purpose in life now.
Purty: So what, I’m just gonna sit here in the corner like an asshole, because donkeys get serenaded in a field all the time, right? That meant NOTHING? FUCK YOU DEBBIE AND FUCK YOU SHAUN!
Shaun: AND WE’RE BACK! Nicole, how’s your latest software upgrade?
Nicole: I’m living in LA, and Mahmoud has a visa appointment in 20 days, and if it’s approved we’ll all be shocked.
Shaun: You got engaged after seven days, right? That’s a long time to be high.
Nicole: I knew when he returned my phone calls that he was the one.
Shaun: When you sobered up, did you know where you were?
Nicole: Kinda, but every time he says “Honey, I love you so much” I reboot and can’t remember anything.
Shaun: Mahmoud, how did you know Nicole could be hacked?
Mahmoud: When I ask her, she say yes, which is so much different from other women.
Shaun: Right. This card just says, “something Islam” because apparently that’s all it takes?
Mahmoud: If she wants be Muslim or not, that is her choice, but my child will be Muslim.
Gabe: What if they don’t want to? Are you going to force them?
Mahmoud: Please, we are much more freedom than Florida.
Gabe: What if you have a daughter? Are you going to make her wear a hijab?
Mahmoud: Force, what is all this force, I just say what I want over and over until she threaten me with divorce.
Nicole: It feels bad to me to be told what to wear, so I’m glad I married someone who will do exactly that.
Shaun: So you want strangers to fight your battles for you, while you pretend to be agreeable?
Nicole: I don’t understand the question Shaun, but Iloveyousomuch.
Gabe: You shouldn’t force a kid to do anything. That’s all I’m saying. Again.
Daniele: Are you going to make them go to Quaranic school?
Shaun: BWAHAHAHA did she just say Quaranic school?
Mahmoud: Okay, I am sorry but don’t you have some religion or culture to sample from or something? Maybe do yoga pose on mango in front of Saint Michael taqueria, please, this is between me and my wife.
Gabe: Daniele, are you going to force your child to kick coconuts?
Daniele: Who doesn’t want to kick coconuts? I’m talking about the Islams!
Shaun: Since Daniele just took what she knows about Hebrew and Sunday School and dipped it in Qu’ran juice, if this were a Jewish couple, or a Christian couple, would they get the same kind of criticism?
Gabe: That sounds so close to a point that we should move on.
Shaun: I mean, sure, someone should ask why a conservative Muslim would marry a western non-Muslim with so many Muslims to choose from, but this could trigger Gabe to talk again.
Gabe: We’re talking about clothing, Shaun.
Mahmoud: This is between me and my wife, okay?
Gabe: But you’re talking about forcing someone to do something. You oppress her and force her to do things.
Nicole: But look at my freedom-shoulder!
Mahmoud: You are going fuck yourself, okay asshole? (Microphone toss.)
Nicole: Oh, honey buns. (Weeps.)
Next week: Jen’s squad surfaces to share scorn for weak women, strong women, and every woman in between, Jeymi loses her shit laughing at their efforts, Mahmoud offers a colorful string of curse words that could send Gabe into a pillow-spiral, Jen wants Rishi to stand up for a relationshit that’s over, Kris and Jeymi both have side pieces to supplement their four-week spouse, and Isabel lobbies for placement on Seeking Brother Husband.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!
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“I’m willing to skip the wedding and see everything as a precursor to divorce if I don’t have to listen to Gabe’s excuses for being late,” Monica strikes a devil’s bargain.
“Is it too late for me to be The Problem?” Mom asks from the frontlines of dragging Gabe to the altar by his ankle.
Gabe arrives at the venue in time to marvel at the work other people have accomplished. Isabel’s still angry about Gabe’s late arrival and indifference to the stress it caused, and it’s raining, but her focus is on making things magical. Her hair accessories provide a solid start, and she gets dressed and looks beautiful. Artfully arranged motion-lights announce Gabe’s mom will be frowning him down the aisle, before Isabel’s dad leads her towards Gabe and his forgotten compliment.
“My heart is beating so fast,” Gabe whispers to Isabel.
“Do you like it?” Isabel tries. “For fuck’s sake, can you remember there’s a second person here?”
“I told you, Monica is sick!” Gabe chooses the wrong second person. “Also, I like it.”
Isabel recovers, and scene-stealer Miguel steps forward to present the rings, while Isabel’s daughter Sara looks on and dabs at happy tears. Isabel giggles at Gabe’s sausage fingers and requests lube to slide the ring on, and when no one shouts “It’s a sign!” it’s clear Monica really did stay home. Isabel beams at the ring on her finger, and the oldest man in Colombia pronounces them married, and Gabe’s mom finally finds her smile.
Isabel’s enjoying the wedding so much she forgets to sound-scan for the complaint-octave, and when all she hears is laughter she knows Monica really is missing. Gabe pauses his fork struggles when Isabel asks about her, and explains Monica’s mad about last night, and it doesn’t really matter, because she’ll still be mad tomorrow, the next day, and at some point she’ll switch reasons.
“Let’s move on like Shaun’s on,” Gabe is ready to dance.
“I’m not ready yet!” Shaun is torn between three lime dresses.
Isabel says Monica owes Gabe an explanation, and she can deliver it from a motorized scooter in the aisles of Walmart for all she cares, because she’s enjoying this wedding. Everyone keeps the fun-pledge, and Isabel’s parents report their happiness at seeing them married. Miguel’s vow of silence holds firm, so Sara volunteers to express joy for both of them. Miguel solidifies his status as side-character MVP with a bounce dance of approval, and looks like an adorable mini-version of Isabel’s dad.
The crew in Egypt is planning to fight Team Colombia in the street before the reunion like Gangs of New York, because they’re that pissed about pulling the bummer card.
“What’s that? Film another fucking clothing talk?” Camera #2’s eyes are shaking around his head. “How about I film this fucker making a dresser in the street instead? GET IT? HA HA HA I’M FINE!”
Nicole’s chosen an Out of Africa ensemble for this boring, and she congratulates Mahmoud for not asking her to button it over her face. Then she asks if he’s ready for what was always their plan, and Mahmoud says he is, but he’s got a full spank bank just in case she doesn’t spring for airfare or exposes both shoulders at the reunion.
“It is a choice of course, and if you make one I don’t like, then I will be angry,” Mahmoud explains it all.
“Is there any way you could address your own anger about that, since before it was about your culture and your country, and my culture is basically rollerskating in a thong between bong rips?” Nicole adds an LA addendum.
Mahmoud says he doesn’t like how she threatens to leave him, and Nicole switches to the other women he’s texting, and how weird it is that a man who reportedly doesn’t want to leave Egypt only talks to women from other countries.
“You saw how women in Egypt is like so uppity with your friend who does sexy yoga for men, yes?” Mahmoud with the defense!
“How old are you?” Nicole asks, as he giggles and hides his face.
“Like mentally, or like, spiritually, or like birth certificate or something?” Mahmoud needs her to be more specific.
Mahmoud tries to keep a straight face when he asks why she went through his phone, and Nicole asks about the girl from China he sent the “hang in there” cat meme to, when he knows that’s their thing.
“Yes?” Mahmoud isn’t sure if there’s a question in there.
“Thank you.” Nicole puts her foot down?
“You are welcome?” Mahmoud is lost, too.
Nicole thinks people make a lot of very deliberate mistakes over and over again, and she’d rather leave the past in the past so they can focus on the next season.
“I’m willing to overlook this, because if you overlook enough red flags, eventually you can stitch them into a parachute,” Nicole says. “Remember that game from elementary school, honey bunny?”
“Elementary school was like three four weeks ago,” Mahmoud recalls. “I know it is like yes honey I love you so much.”
Rishi goes to temple to reflect on being dumped, and the astrologer meets him there to told-you-so. He’s not ready to accept that it’s over with Jen, but the rest of us are fine.
“I’m more than fine,” Randi interrupts, before sending Rishi another message from London.
“I forgot to tell you something,” the astrologer fights for relevancy. “When I said you should wait, I meant you should wait forever, because there is no moment in time when you and Jen are compatible. Not on earth, or any neighboring planets.”
“I’m still willing to fight for another season,” Rishi insists.
Jen is still receiving texts from Rishi, so she dolls herself up for a second in-person breakup. Rishi arrives with a side-hug and thoughts on the humidity putting his hair at peril. She asks where they stand, and Rishi points out they’re sitting down, which makes this hard to accept.
“You say goodbye, and I say hello,” Rishi presses. “Hello hello. I don’t know why—“
“I’m not letting a poem slip through the door!” Jen wipes away tears, and tells him she’s going back to Oklahoma. She feels she has no control over the relationship, but she doesn’t regret it, and so they say goodbye again to see if Rishi will jai-ho after her this time. He opts to stare instead, and promises to fight for their relationship with lukewarm conviction once the cameras return.
Kris is about to clock 24 hours in Colombia, and that’s as long as Jeymi’s willing to wait to call her out on the excuse wheel that never stops spinning.
“I’ll be back when I figure out why you’re unreasonable!” Kris shouts.
“Of course, because I was talking, and now you are one who is talking like always,” Jeymi awaits the coming reprimand.
“My son is in jail,” Kris mines for a Johnny Cash song that can strum her out of this. “Also, money. I told her $400, and she came at me with $550.”
“I’m sorry, where is this again?” Daniele interrupts.
“The situation with her son was much before my birthday,” Jeymi sets the record straight. “She tell her mom she send $1,000, and tells me $550 is too much. I have so much debt now. Two weeks turned into five months, and this math is so empty.”
“I’m sorry, there is no time when this relationship will work,” the astrologer stops by for seconds.
Kris returns from the weapons store armed with bullying and storming away, and thinks this might convince Jeymi to apologize for expecting anything from her.
“You can’t talk about something and not let me respond to what you’re saying.” This point doesn’t sound like Kris.
“I have too much things in my head I have to tell you —“
“How much did I tell you I could pay for rent?” There she is!
“What are you talk about rent, I talk about being abandon—”
“I’m done!” Kris declares. “My son comes first when we’re sharing a cell. I told you! Find someone else to pay your fucking bills!”
“I obviously did, or I would have been evicted!” Jeymi marvels at being yelled at by someone who asked her not to raise her voice.
Kris storms all the way to the van, and production opens the door reluctantly, because they really expected something to happen before the “done” declaration. Jeymi directs her attention to production, and gets a few more digs in about how absurd it is that Kris thinks she wants her for things, when she’s seen Kris’ things, and no one has “keychain ashes” on their Amazon wish list. Kris orders Jeymi to stop talking to production, and then shoves Jeymi out of the van and shuts the door.
“You see?” Jeymi shouts to the camera. “She probably need go to pharmacy! AGAIN!”
“Or maybe the weapons store!” Kris shouts back. “AGAIN!”
Jeymi cries in the car, while the editors struggle to stitch together a series of events that allow this to make sense as a death-blow to MARRIAGE, before flipping coins to decide who is going to pilot the Kris carriage towards her next disaster.
Now it’s time for Part 1 of the Tell-All, and Gabe wakes up and worries about Isabel being late, because he’s confused her for himself. Jen gets ready and pre-hates Oussama to prove she watched this season, and Nicole arrives at the studio determined to manifest a good day with an assist from an extra inch of hair.
Gabe: Hi Nicole! I hate your husband!
Nicole: Okay, but I’m not asking permission to wear things anymore. I’m just going to send him pictures of several clothing options, and prepare to apologize when the stylist overrules him.
Daniele: Hi everyone!
Nicole: I’m surprised you’re pretty!
Daniele: That was weird. What does everyone think of Oussama?
Nicole: I’m sure he love-bombed the shit out of her before she arrived in Morocco! That’s happened to me before!
Daniele: Is it happening now?
Gabe: I don’t think he’s using her for a visa at all.
Nicole: So you only watched your own scenes?
Debbie: I’m here, at the epicenter of temporary insanity!
Kris: Me too, and I definitely did not just get out of prison, rehab, or Love After Lockup. I was told there would be hair and makeup, so I did not come prepared.
Nicole: There is, it’s just for everyone else.
Gabe: Oh I’m so sick, I have narcolepsy, I fell in the parking lot, wah.
Kris: Was it easier to be on time because no one needed your help?
Tim and Veronica: We’re here.
Everyone: Why?
Shaun: Welcome everyone! Hi, my name’s Shaun…Gabe, is your hand up already?
Gabe: I have a problem with Debbie.
Shaun: I have a problem with my hearing, because there’s no possible way you could have said that Gabe.
Gabe: I think Oussama’s sincere.
Shaun: Well, you also think your business is successful, so LET’S MOVE ON. Yohan, are you single?
Yohan: Hello Shaun. That dress is very flattering and you are an ageless dove of womanhood. Surely you’ve seen my dick by now.
Shaun: We’ll get to that a bit later. Oussama, hi, are things over with you and Debbie?
Oussama: Yes.
Shaun: How many times have you tried calling Debbie since saying that?
Oussama: Today, or in total?
Shaun: Rishi and Jen, hi. Have you been breaking up longer than you’ve been dating?
Jen: Yes.
Shaun: Isabel, hi! How organized are you now that Gabe is in NYC?
Isabel: Very, but I miss losing my keys.
Shaun: Nicole! You have a shoulder!
Nicole: The stylists thought this would be the most upsetting.
Shaun: Let’s look back on Oussama loudly announcing user-plans.
Oussama: …you have like mental sickness of something.
Gabe: Awww!
Shaun: Are you okay, Gabe?
Oussama: Debbie say she move to Morocco forever, and this was not the plan. The plan was we go to United States.
Yohan: I am with Oussama on this one.
Daniele: Of course you are.
Isabel: So you are with Daniele, exactly the same as Oussama?
Yohan: Yes!
Shaun: Do you know what you did there?
Yohan: Not at all. All I know is, get him a green card and help this man get a job.
Daniele: She’s not a nonprofit.
Oussama: Also, I am not a job.
Shaun: Were you really in love with Debbie?
Oussama: Then. But now, I don’t love her.
Nicole: Just because she didn’t get you a visa?
Oussama: Yes, that is how conditional love works.
Shaun: Why are you stalking her then?
Oussama: I want to make sure our breakup is clear.
Nicole: Things should be clear when she doesn’t answer your phone calls.
Jen: I know RIGHT? Who needs to break up REPEATEDLY?
Shaun: Um.
Oussama: I have text amnesia.
Gabe: She could be using him to live in Morocco.
Shaun: Gabe, I’m going to need you to reach for Miguel silence until the edible break.
Debbie: Oussama doesn’t know what love means.
Shaun: Julian, go off.
Julian: Boy let me tell you something. You can probably tell by my everything that I’m a cop with three brutality complaints, and I’m comfortable reaching for four.
Jen: I love you. I do love you.
Rishi: I can also be professional wrestler.
Shaun: Julian, you tell everyone you’re a cop shortly after hello, right?
Julian: Absolutely, Shaun. I’m a cop, I can sniff out bullshit a mile away.
Shaun: Is that the reputation of cops? That is not on my card.
Julian: Get your act together, quit preying off elderly women, and get yourself a job.
Shaun: This is my job.
Oussama: I will not get a job, I am a poet and I will die for my dream.
Poets: Probably.
Shaun: Oussama, can you really live off $100 and 30 free copies of a chapbook? Or are you planning to be rich in compliments?
Debbie: Look, there was one time where we joked about getting him a visa, and I explained they would just look at our ages and laugh us out of the office.
Shaun: That hasn’t stopped anyone on this show before. Tell me you at least sent him money.
Debbie: Yes, and it was chump change. I don’t see anything wrong with helping someone out now and again.
Yohan: Yes, Debbie, you are as beautiful as you are wise. I understand you are single now, yes?
Gabe: Sell your paintings! Tourists love that shit! Set up a little booth and airbrush their children onto t-shirts.
Oussama: No. I’m not selling underwears or something. I’m selling something valuable.
Shaun: Are you sure?
Oussama: It doesn’t make sense for you because you’re not an artist.
Gabe: I would like to take back my Oussama defense.
Shaun: Seriously, at least skim the season between tequila shots like the rest of us, Gabe.
Julian: Mama, I want you to find a real man. Someone who introduces himself with his profession and does everything in his power to not let you forget it.
Yohan: Hello, I am in the Dominican Republic, and I am working so very hard with many jobs. You can call me Papa, young man.
Daniele: I’m still on this fucking stage, Yohan.
Shaun: Would you ever take Oussama back, Debbie? You’re scoring surprisingly high on our self-esteem chart.
Debbie: He’d have to move mountains for me to be with him.
Shaun: Nevermind.
Oussama: I do not have a mountain, but I am artist, so here is painting of mountain.
Julian: That’s just a red circle with two lines. I’m taking away all your technology, mama. This is why we need to stop Facebook.
Shaun: Debbie and Oussama, I don’t know WHERE this relationship is going, but I know I’m going to the ladies for a little toot-toot in the snoot-snoot.
Julian: Nowhere. It’s going nowhere, Shaun.
Debbie: Julian! Oussama did not look well. Maybe he needs therapy.
Julian: Maybe you need to stop thinking about what he needs and start thinking about what you need. The answer is still therapy.
Debbie: Guess what Julian? Didn’t you think Jen is kinda cute and nice and maybe she’s batting her eyes at you a little bit?
Julian: You got my number you can give it to her, okay?
Debbie: I think I have a different purpose in life now.
Purty: So what, I’m just gonna sit here in the corner like an asshole, because donkeys get serenaded in a field all the time, right? That meant NOTHING? FUCK YOU DEBBIE AND FUCK YOU SHAUN!
Shaun: AND WE’RE BACK! Nicole, how’s your latest software upgrade?
Nicole: I’m living in LA, and Mahmoud has a visa appointment in 20 days, and if it’s approved we’ll all be shocked.
Shaun: You got engaged after seven days, right? That’s a long time to be high.
Nicole: I knew when he returned my phone calls that he was the one.
Shaun: When you sobered up, did you know where you were?
Nicole: Kinda, but every time he says “Honey, I love you so much” I reboot and can’t remember anything.
Shaun: Mahmoud, how did you know Nicole could be hacked?
Mahmoud: When I ask her, she say yes, which is so much different from other women.
Shaun: Right. This card just says, “something Islam” because apparently that’s all it takes?
Mahmoud: If she wants be Muslim or not, that is her choice, but my child will be Muslim.
Gabe: What if they don’t want to? Are you going to force them?
Mahmoud: Please, we are much more freedom than Florida.
Gabe: What if you have a daughter? Are you going to make her wear a hijab?
Mahmoud: Force, what is all this force, I just say what I want over and over until she threaten me with divorce.
Nicole: It feels bad to me to be told what to wear, so I’m glad I married someone who will do exactly that.
Shaun: So you want strangers to fight your battles for you, while you pretend to be agreeable?
Nicole: I don’t understand the question Shaun, but Iloveyousomuch.
Gabe: You shouldn’t force a kid to do anything. That’s all I’m saying. Again.
Daniele: Are you going to make them go to Quaranic school?
Shaun: BWAHAHAHA did she just say Quaranic school?
Mahmoud: Okay, I am sorry but don’t you have some religion or culture to sample from or something? Maybe do yoga pose on mango in front of Saint Michael taqueria, please, this is between me and my wife.
Gabe: Daniele, are you going to force your child to kick coconuts?
Daniele: Who doesn’t want to kick coconuts? I’m talking about the Islams!
Shaun: Since Daniele just took what she knows about Hebrew and Sunday School and dipped it in Qu’ran juice, if this were a Jewish couple, or a Christian couple, would they get the same kind of criticism?
Gabe: That sounds so close to a point that we should move on.
Shaun: I mean, sure, someone should ask why a conservative Muslim would marry a western non-Muslim with so many Muslims to choose from, but this could trigger Gabe to talk again.
Gabe: We’re talking about clothing, Shaun.
Mahmoud: This is between me and my wife, okay?
Gabe: But you’re talking about forcing someone to do something. You oppress her and force her to do things.
Nicole: But look at my freedom-shoulder!
Mahmoud: You are going fuck yourself, okay asshole? (Microphone toss.)
Nicole: Oh, honey buns. (Weeps.)
Next week: Jen’s squad surfaces to share scorn for weak women, strong women, and every woman in between, Jeymi loses her shit laughing at their efforts, Mahmoud offers a colorful string of curse words that could send Gabe into a pillow-spiral, Jen wants Rishi to stand up for a relationshit that’s over, Kris and Jeymi both have side pieces to supplement their four-week spouse, and Isabel lobbies for placement on Seeking Brother Husband.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!
2023.05.17 05:19 fractalfay The Holding Tank for Temporary Insanity: Recap of 90DFTOW S04E15 and Tell-All Part 1
Monica’s doing the most to push Isabel and Gabe’s storyline into a second season, because Isabel and her fam are wholesome as fuck, and Happily Ever After ends with a question mark for a reason, people.
“I’m willing to skip the wedding and see everything as a precursor to divorce if I don’t have to listen to Gabe’s excuses for being late,” Monica strikes a devil’s bargain.
“Is it too late for me to be The Problem?” Mom asks from the frontlines of dragging Gabe to the altar by his ankle.
Gabe arrives at the venue in time to marvel at the work other people have accomplished. Isabel’s still angry about Gabe’s late arrival and indifference to the stress it caused, and it’s raining, but her focus is on making things magical. Her hair accessories provide a solid start, and she gets dressed and looks beautiful. Artfully arranged motion-lights announce Gabe’s mom will be frowning him down the aisle, before Isabel’s dad leads her towards Gabe and his forgotten compliment.
“My heart is beating so fast,” Gabe whispers to Isabel.
“Do you like it?” Isabel tries. “For fuck’s sake, can you remember there’s a second person here?”
“I told you, Monica is sick!” Gabe chooses the wrong second person. “Also, I like it.”
Isabel recovers, and scene-stealer Miguel steps forward to present the rings, while Isabel’s daughter Sara looks on and dabs at happy tears. Isabel giggles at Gabe’s sausage fingers and requests lube to slide the ring on, and when no one shouts “It’s a sign!” it’s clear Monica really did stay home. Isabel beams at the ring on her finger, and the oldest man in Colombia pronounces them married, and Gabe’s mom finally finds her smile.
Isabel’s enjoying the wedding so much she forgets to sound-scan for the complaint-octave, and when all she hears is laughter she knows Monica really is missing. Gabe pauses his fork struggles when Isabel asks about her, and explains Monica’s mad about last night, and it doesn’t really matter, because she’ll still be mad tomorrow, the next day, and at some point she’ll switch reasons.
“Let’s move on like Shaun’s on,” Gabe is ready to dance.
“I’m not ready yet!” Shaun is torn between three lime dresses.
Isabel says Monica owes Gabe an explanation, and she can deliver it from a motorized scooter in the aisles of Walmart for all she cares, because she’s enjoying this wedding. Everyone keeps the fun-pledge, and Isabel’s parents report their happiness at seeing them married. Miguel’s vow of silence holds firm, so Sara volunteers to express joy for both of them. Miguel solidifies his status as side-character MVP with a bounce dance of approval, and looks like an adorable mini-version of Isabel’s dad.
The crew in Egypt is planning to fight Team Colombia in the street before the reunion like Gangs of New York, because they’re that pissed about pulling the bummer card.
“What’s that? Film another fucking clothing talk?” Camera #2’s eyes are shaking around his head. “How about I film this fucker making a dresser in the street instead? GET IT? HA HA HA I’M FINE!”
Nicole’s chosen an Out of Africa ensemble for this boring, and she congratulates Mahmoud for not asking her to button it over her face. Then she asks if he’s ready for what was always their plan, and Mahmoud says he is, but he’s got a full spank bank just in case she doesn’t spring for airfare or exposes both shoulders at the reunion.
“It is a choice of course, and if you make one I don’t like, then I will be angry,” Mahmoud explains it all.
“Is there any way you could address your own anger about that, since before it was about your culture and your country, and my culture is basically rollerskating in a thong between bong rips?” Nicole adds an LA addendum.
Mahmoud says he doesn’t like how she threatens to leave him, and Nicole switches to the other women he’s texting, and how weird it is that a man who reportedly doesn’t want to leave Egypt only talks to women from other countries.
“You saw how women in Egypt is like so uppity with your friend who does sexy yoga for men, yes?” Mahmoud with the defense!
“How old are you?” Nicole asks, as he giggles and hides his face.
“Like mentally, or like, spiritually, or like birth certificate or something?” Mahmoud needs her to be more specific.
Mahmoud tries to keep a straight face when he asks why she went through his phone, and Nicole asks about the girl from China he sent the “hang in there” cat meme to, when he knows that’s their thing.
“Yes?” Mahmoud isn’t sure if there’s a question in there.
“Thank you.” Nicole puts her foot down?
“You are welcome?” Mahmoud is lost, too.
Nicole thinks people make a lot of very deliberate mistakes over and over again, and she’d rather leave the past in the past so they can focus on the next season.
“I’m willing to overlook this, because if you overlook enough red flags, eventually you can stitch them into a parachute,” Nicole says. “Remember that game from elementary school, honey bunny?”
“Elementary school was like three four weeks ago,” Mahmoud recalls. “I know it is like yes honey I love you so much.”
Rishi goes to temple to reflect on being dumped, and the astrologer meets him there to told-you-so. He’s not ready to accept that it’s over with Jen, but the rest of us are fine.
“I’m more than fine,” Randi interrupts, before sending Rishi another message from London.
“I forgot to tell you something,” the astrologer fights for relevancy. “When I said you should wait, I meant you should wait forever, because there is no moment in time when you and Jen are compatible. Not on earth, or any neighboring planets.”
“I’m still willing to fight for another season,” Rishi insists.
Jen is still receiving texts from Rishi, so she dolls herself up for a second in-person breakup. Rishi arrives with a side-hug and thoughts on the humidity putting his hair at peril. She asks where they stand, and Rishi points out they’re sitting down, which makes this hard to accept.
“You say goodbye, and I say hello,” Rishi presses. “Hello hello. I don’t know why—“
“I’m not letting a poem slip through the door!” Jen wipes away tears, and tells him she’s going back to Oklahoma. She feels she has no control over the relationship, but she doesn’t regret it, and so they say goodbye again to see if Rishi will jai-ho after her this time. He opts to stare instead, and promises to fight for their relationship with lukewarm conviction once the cameras return.
Kris is about to clock 24 hours in Colombia, and that’s as long as Jeymi’s willing to wait to call her out on the excuse wheel that never stops spinning.
“I’ll be back when I figure out why you’re unreasonable!” Kris shouts.
“Of course, because I was talking, and now you are one who is talking like always,” Jeymi awaits the coming reprimand.
“My son is in jail,” Kris mines for a Johnny Cash song that can strum her out of this. “Also, money. I told her $400, and she came at me with $550.”
“I’m sorry, where is this again?” Daniele interrupts.
“The situation with her son was much before my birthday,” Jeymi sets the record straight. “She tell her mom she send $1,000, and tells me $550 is too much. I have so much debt now. Two weeks turned into five months, and this math is so empty.”
“I’m sorry, there is no time when this relationship will work,” the astrologer stops by for seconds.
Kris returns from the weapons store armed with bullying and storming away, and thinks this might convince Jeymi to apologize for expecting anything from her.
“You can’t talk about something and not let me respond to what you’re saying.” This point doesn’t sound like Kris.
“I have too much things in my head I have to tell you —“
“How much did I tell you I could pay for rent?” There she is!
“What are you talk about rent, I talk about being abandon—”
“I’m done!” Kris declares. “My son comes first when we’re sharing a cell. I told you! Find someone else to pay your fucking bills!”
“I obviously did, or I would have been evicted!” Jeymi marvels at being yelled at by someone who asked her not to raise her voice.
Kris storms all the way to the van, and production opens the door reluctantly, because they really expected something to happen before the “done” declaration. Jeymi directs her attention to production, and gets a few more digs in about how absurd it is that Kris thinks she wants her for things, when she’s seen Kris’ things, and no one has “keychain ashes” on their Amazon wish list. Kris orders Jeymi to stop talking to production, and then shoves Jeymi out of the van and shuts the door.
“You see?” Jeymi shouts to the camera. “She probably need go to pharmacy! AGAIN!”
“Or maybe the weapons store!” Kris shouts back. “AGAIN!”
Jeymi cries in the car, while the editors struggle to stitch together a series of events that allow this to make sense as a death-blow to MARRIAGE, before flipping coins to decide who is going to pilot the Kris carriage towards her next disaster.
Now it’s time for Part 1 of the Tell-All, and Gabe wakes up and worries about Isabel being late, because he’s confused her for himself. Jen gets ready and pre-hates Oussama to prove she watched this season, and Nicole arrives at the studio determined to manifest a good day with an assist from an extra inch of hair.
Gabe: Hi Nicole! I hate your husband!
Nicole: Okay, but I’m not asking permission to wear things anymore. I’m just going to send him pictures of several clothing options, and prepare to apologize when the stylist overrules him.
Daniele: Hi everyone!
Nicole: I’m surprised you’re pretty!
Daniele: That was weird. What does everyone think of Oussama?
Nicole: I’m sure he love-bombed the shit out of her before she arrived in Morocco! That’s happened to me before!
Daniele: Is it happening now?
Gabe: I don’t think he’s using her for a visa at all.
Nicole: So you only watched your own scenes?
Debbie: I’m here, at the epicenter of temporary insanity!
Kris: Me too, and I definitely did not just get out of prison, rehab, or Love After Lockup. I was told there would be hair and makeup, so I did not come prepared.
Nicole: There is, it’s just for everyone else.
Gabe: Oh I’m so sick, I have narcolepsy, I fell in the parking lot, wah.
Kris: Was it easier to be on time because no one needed your help?
Tim and Veronica: We’re here.
Everyone: Why?
Shaun: Welcome everyone! Hi, my name’s Shaun…Gabe, is your hand up already?
Gabe: I have a problem with Debbie.
Shaun: I have a problem with my hearing, because there’s no possible way you could have said that Gabe.
Gabe: I think Oussama’s sincere.
Shaun: Well, you also think your business is successful, so LET’S MOVE ON. Yohan, are you single?
Yohan: Hello Shaun. That dress is very flattering and you are an ageless dove of womanhood. Surely you’ve seen my dick by now.
Shaun: We’ll get to that a bit later. Oussama, hi, are things over with you and Debbie?
Oussama: Yes.
Shaun: How many times have you tried calling Debbie since saying that?
Oussama: Today, or in total?
Shaun: Rishi and Jen, hi. Have you been breaking up longer than you’ve been dating?
Jen: Yes.
Shaun: Isabel, hi! How organized are you now that Gabe is in NYC?
Isabel: Very, but I miss losing my keys.
Shaun: Nicole! You have a shoulder!
Nicole: The stylists thought this would be the most upsetting.
Shaun: Let’s look back on Oussama loudly announcing user-plans.
Oussama: …you have like mental sickness of something.
Gabe: Awww!
Shaun: Are you okay, Gabe?
Oussama: Debbie say she move to Morocco forever, and this was not the plan. The plan was we go to United States.
Yohan: I am with Oussama on this one.
Daniele: Of course you are.
Isabel: So you are with Daniele, exactly the same as Oussama?
Yohan: Yes!
Shaun: Do you know what you did there?
Yohan: Not at all. All I know is, get him a green card and help this man get a job.
Daniele: She’s not a nonprofit.
Oussama: Also, I am not a job.
Shaun: Were you really in love with Debbie?
Oussama: Then. But now, I don’t love her.
Nicole: Just because she didn’t get you a visa?
Oussama: Yes, that is how conditional love works.
Shaun: Why are you stalking her then?
Oussama: I want to make sure our breakup is clear.
Nicole: Things should be clear when she doesn’t answer your phone calls.
Jen: I know RIGHT? Who needs to break up REPEATEDLY?
Shaun: Um.
Oussama: I have text amnesia.
Gabe: She could be using him to live in Morocco.
Shaun: Gabe, I’m going to need you to reach for Miguel silence until the edible break.
Debbie: Oussama doesn’t know what love means.
Shaun: Julian, go off.
Julian: Boy let me tell you something. You can probably tell by my everything that I’m a cop with three brutality complaints, and I’m comfortable reaching for four.
Jen: I love you. I do love you.
Rishi: I can also be professional wrestler.
Shaun: Julian, you tell everyone you’re a cop shortly after hello, right?
Julian: Absolutely, Shaun. I’m a cop, I can sniff out bullshit a mile away.
Shaun: Is that the reputation of cops? That is not on my card.
Julian: Get your act together, quit preying off elderly women, and get yourself a job.
Shaun: This is my job.
Oussama: I will not get a job, I am a poet and I will die for my dream.
Poets: Probably.
Shaun: Oussama, can you really live off $100 and 30 free copies of a chapbook? Or are you planning to be rich in compliments?
Debbie: Look, there was one time where we joked about getting him a visa, and I explained they would just look at our ages and laugh us out of the office.
Shaun: That hasn’t stopped anyone on this show before. Tell me you at least sent him money.
Debbie: Yes, and it was chump change. I don’t see anything wrong with helping someone out now and again.
Yohan: Yes, Debbie, you are as beautiful as you are wise. I understand you are single now, yes?
Gabe: Sell your paintings! Tourists love that shit! Set up a little booth and airbrush their children onto t-shirts.
Oussama: No. I’m not selling underwears or something. I’m selling something valuable.
Shaun: Are you sure?
Oussama: It doesn’t make sense for you because you’re not an artist.
Gabe: I would like to take back my Oussama defense.
Shaun: Seriously, at least skim the season between tequila shots like the rest of us, Gabe.
Julian: Mama, I want you to find a real man. Someone who introduces himself with his profession and does everything in his power to not let you forget it.
Yohan: Hello, I am in the Dominican Republic, and I am working so very hard with many jobs. You can call me Papa, young man.
Daniele: I’m still on this fucking stage, Yohan.
Shaun: Would you ever take Oussama back, Debbie? You’re scoring surprisingly high on our self-esteem chart.
Debbie: He’d have to move mountains for me to be with him.
Shaun: Nevermind.
Oussama: I do not have a mountain, but I am artist, so here is painting of mountain.
Julian: That’s just a red circle with two lines. I’m taking away all your technology, mama. This is why we need to stop Facebook.
Shaun: Debbie and Oussama, I don’t know WHERE this relationship is going, but I know I’m going to the ladies for a little toot-toot in the snoot-snoot.
Julian: Nowhere. It’s going nowhere, Shaun.
Debbie: Julian! Oussama did not look well. Maybe he needs therapy.
Julian: Maybe you need to stop thinking about what he needs and start thinking about what you need. The answer is still therapy.
Debbie: Guess what Julian? Didn’t you think Jen is kinda cute and nice and maybe she’s batting her eyes at you a little bit?
Julian: You got my number you can give it to her, okay?
Debbie: I think I have a different purpose in life now.
Purty: So what, I’m just gonna sit here in the corner like an asshole, because donkeys get serenaded in a field all the time, right? That meant NOTHING? FUCK YOU DEBBIE AND FUCK YOU SHAUN!
Shaun: AND WE’RE BACK! Nicole, how’s your latest software upgrade?
Nicole: I’m living in LA, and Mahmoud has a visa appointment in 20 days, and if it’s approved we’ll all be shocked.
Shaun: You got engaged after seven days, right? That’s a long time to be high.
Nicole: I knew when he returned my phone calls that he was the one.
Shaun: When you sobered up, did you know where you were?
Nicole: Kinda, but every time he says “Honey, I love you so much” I reboot and can’t remember anything.
Shaun: Mahmoud, how did you know Nicole could be hacked?
Mahmoud: When I ask her, she say yes, which is so much different from other women.
Shaun: Right. This card just says, “something Islam” because apparently that’s all it takes?
Mahmoud: If she wants be Muslim or not, that is her choice, but my child will be Muslim.
Gabe: What if they don’t want to? Are you going to force them?
Mahmoud: Please, we are much more freedom than Florida.
Gabe: What if you have a daughter? Are you going to make her wear a hijab?
Mahmoud: Force, what is all this force, I just say what I want over and over until she threaten me with divorce.
Nicole: It feels bad to me to be told what to wear, so I’m glad I married someone who will do exactly that.
Shaun: So you want strangers to fight your battles for you, while you pretend to be agreeable?
Nicole: I don’t understand the question Shaun, but Iloveyousomuch.
Gabe: You shouldn’t force a kid to do anything. That’s all I’m saying. Again.
Daniele: Are you going to make them go to Quaranic school?
Shaun: BWAHAHAHA did she just say Quaranic school?
Mahmoud: Okay, I am sorry but don’t you have some religion or culture to sample from or something? Maybe do yoga pose on mango in front of Saint Michael taqueria, please, this is between me and my wife.
Gabe: Daniele, are you going to force your child to kick coconuts?
Daniele: Who doesn’t want to kick coconuts? I’m talking about the Islams!
Shaun: Since Daniele just took what she knows about Hebrew and Sunday School and dipped it in Qu’ran juice, if this were a Jewish couple, or a Christian couple, would they get the same kind of criticism?
Gabe: That sounds so close to a point that we should move on.
Shaun: I mean, sure, someone should ask why a conservative Muslim would marry a western non-Muslim with so many Muslims to choose from, but this could trigger Gabe to talk again.
Gabe: We’re talking about clothing, Shaun.
Mahmoud: This is between me and my wife, okay?
Gabe: But you’re talking about forcing someone to do something. You oppress her and force her to do things.
Nicole: But look at my freedom-shoulder!
Mahmoud: You are going fuck yourself, okay asshole? (Microphone toss.)
Nicole: Oh, honey buns. (Weeps.)
Next week: Jen’s squad surfaces to share scorn for weak women, strong women, and every woman in between, Jeymi loses her shit laughing at their efforts, Mahmoud offers a colorful string of curse words that could send Gabe into a pillow-spiral, Jen wants Rishi to stand up for a relationshit that’s over, Kris and Jeymi both have side pieces to supplement their four-week spouse, and Isabel lobbies for placement on Seeking Brother Husband.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!
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“I’m willing to skip the wedding and see everything as a precursor to divorce if I don’t have to listen to Gabe’s excuses for being late,” Monica strikes a devil’s bargain.
“Is it too late for me to be The Problem?” Mom asks from the frontlines of dragging Gabe to the altar by his ankle.
Gabe arrives at the venue in time to marvel at the work other people have accomplished. Isabel’s still angry about Gabe’s late arrival and indifference to the stress it caused, and it’s raining, but her focus is on making things magical. Her hair accessories provide a solid start, and she gets dressed and looks beautiful. Artfully arranged motion-lights announce Gabe’s mom will be frowning him down the aisle, before Isabel’s dad leads her towards Gabe and his forgotten compliment.
“My heart is beating so fast,” Gabe whispers to Isabel.
“Do you like it?” Isabel tries. “For fuck’s sake, can you remember there’s a second person here?”
“I told you, Monica is sick!” Gabe chooses the wrong second person. “Also, I like it.”
Isabel recovers, and scene-stealer Miguel steps forward to present the rings, while Isabel’s daughter Sara looks on and dabs at happy tears. Isabel giggles at Gabe’s sausage fingers and requests lube to slide the ring on, and when no one shouts “It’s a sign!” it’s clear Monica really did stay home. Isabel beams at the ring on her finger, and the oldest man in Colombia pronounces them married, and Gabe’s mom finally finds her smile.
Isabel’s enjoying the wedding so much she forgets to sound-scan for the complaint-octave, and when all she hears is laughter she knows Monica really is missing. Gabe pauses his fork struggles when Isabel asks about her, and explains Monica’s mad about last night, and it doesn’t really matter, because she’ll still be mad tomorrow, the next day, and at some point she’ll switch reasons.
“Let’s move on like Shaun’s on,” Gabe is ready to dance.
“I’m not ready yet!” Shaun is torn between three lime dresses.
Isabel says Monica owes Gabe an explanation, and she can deliver it from a motorized scooter in the aisles of Walmart for all she cares, because she’s enjoying this wedding. Everyone keeps the fun-pledge, and Isabel’s parents report their happiness at seeing them married. Miguel’s vow of silence holds firm, so Sara volunteers to express joy for both of them. Miguel solidifies his status as side-character MVP with a bounce dance of approval, and looks like an adorable mini-version of Isabel’s dad.
The crew in Egypt is planning to fight Team Colombia in the street before the reunion like Gangs of New York, because they’re that pissed about pulling the bummer card.
“What’s that? Film another fucking clothing talk?” Camera #2’s eyes are shaking around his head. “How about I film this fucker making a dresser in the street instead? GET IT? HA HA HA I’M FINE!”
Nicole’s chosen an Out of Africa ensemble for this boring, and she congratulates Mahmoud for not asking her to button it over her face. Then she asks if he’s ready for what was always their plan, and Mahmoud says he is, but he’s got a full spank bank just in case she doesn’t spring for airfare or exposes both shoulders at the reunion.
“It is a choice of course, and if you make one I don’t like, then I will be angry,” Mahmoud explains it all.
“Is there any way you could address your own anger about that, since before it was about your culture and your country, and my culture is basically rollerskating in a thong between bong rips?” Nicole adds an LA addendum.
Mahmoud says he doesn’t like how she threatens to leave him, and Nicole switches to the other women he’s texting, and how weird it is that a man who reportedly doesn’t want to leave Egypt only talks to women from other countries.
“You saw how women in Egypt is like so uppity with your friend who does sexy yoga for men, yes?” Mahmoud with the defense!
“How old are you?” Nicole asks, as he giggles and hides his face.
“Like mentally, or like, spiritually, or like birth certificate or something?” Mahmoud needs her to be more specific.
Mahmoud tries to keep a straight face when he asks why she went through his phone, and Nicole asks about the girl from China he sent the “hang in there” cat meme to, when he knows that’s their thing.
“Yes?” Mahmoud isn’t sure if there’s a question in there.
“Thank you.” Nicole puts her foot down?
“You are welcome?” Mahmoud is lost, too.
Nicole thinks people make a lot of very deliberate mistakes over and over again, and she’d rather leave the past in the past so they can focus on the next season.
“I’m willing to overlook this, because if you overlook enough red flags, eventually you can stitch them into a parachute,” Nicole says. “Remember that game from elementary school, honey bunny?”
“Elementary school was like three four weeks ago,” Mahmoud recalls. “I know it is like yes honey I love you so much.”
Rishi goes to temple to reflect on being dumped, and the astrologer meets him there to told-you-so. He’s not ready to accept that it’s over with Jen, but the rest of us are fine.
“I’m more than fine,” Randi interrupts, before sending Rishi another message from London.
“I forgot to tell you something,” the astrologer fights for relevancy. “When I said you should wait, I meant you should wait forever, because there is no moment in time when you and Jen are compatible. Not on earth, or any neighboring planets.”
“I’m still willing to fight for another season,” Rishi insists.
Jen is still receiving texts from Rishi, so she dolls herself up for a second in-person breakup. Rishi arrives with a side-hug and thoughts on the humidity putting his hair at peril. She asks where they stand, and Rishi points out they’re sitting down, which makes this hard to accept.
“You say goodbye, and I say hello,” Rishi presses. “Hello hello. I don’t know why—“
“I’m not letting a poem slip through the door!” Jen wipes away tears, and tells him she’s going back to Oklahoma. She feels she has no control over the relationship, but she doesn’t regret it, and so they say goodbye again to see if Rishi will jai-ho after her this time. He opts to stare instead, and promises to fight for their relationship with lukewarm conviction once the cameras return.
Kris is about to clock 24 hours in Colombia, and that’s as long as Jeymi’s willing to wait to call her out on the excuse wheel that never stops spinning.
“I’ll be back when I figure out why you’re unreasonable!” Kris shouts.
“Of course, because I was talking, and now you are one who is talking like always,” Jeymi awaits the coming reprimand.
“My son is in jail,” Kris mines for a Johnny Cash song that can strum her out of this. “Also, money. I told her $400, and she came at me with $550.”
“I’m sorry, where is this again?” Daniele interrupts.
“The situation with her son was much before my birthday,” Jeymi sets the record straight. “She tell her mom she send $1,000, and tells me $550 is too much. I have so much debt now. Two weeks turned into five months, and this math is so empty.”
“I’m sorry, there is no time when this relationship will work,” the astrologer stops by for seconds.
Kris returns from the weapons store armed with bullying and storming away, and thinks this might convince Jeymi to apologize for expecting anything from her.
“You can’t talk about something and not let me respond to what you’re saying.” This point doesn’t sound like Kris.
“I have too much things in my head I have to tell you —“
“How much did I tell you I could pay for rent?” There she is!
“What are you talk about rent, I talk about being abandon—”
“I’m done!” Kris declares. “My son comes first when we’re sharing a cell. I told you! Find someone else to pay your fucking bills!”
“I obviously did, or I would have been evicted!” Jeymi marvels at being yelled at by someone who asked her not to raise her voice.
Kris storms all the way to the van, and production opens the door reluctantly, because they really expected something to happen before the “done” declaration. Jeymi directs her attention to production, and gets a few more digs in about how absurd it is that Kris thinks she wants her for things, when she’s seen Kris’ things, and no one has “keychain ashes” on their Amazon wish list. Kris orders Jeymi to stop talking to production, and then shoves Jeymi out of the van and shuts the door.
“You see?” Jeymi shouts to the camera. “She probably need go to pharmacy! AGAIN!”
“Or maybe the weapons store!” Kris shouts back. “AGAIN!”
Jeymi cries in the car, while the editors struggle to stitch together a series of events that allow this to make sense as a death-blow to MARRIAGE, before flipping coins to decide who is going to pilot the Kris carriage towards her next disaster.
Now it’s time for Part 1 of the Tell-All, and Gabe wakes up and worries about Isabel being late, because he’s confused her for himself. Jen gets ready and pre-hates Oussama to prove she watched this season, and Nicole arrives at the studio determined to manifest a good day with an assist from an extra inch of hair.
Gabe: Hi Nicole! I hate your husband!
Nicole: Okay, but I’m not asking permission to wear things anymore. I’m just going to send him pictures of several clothing options, and prepare to apologize when the stylist overrules him.
Daniele: Hi everyone!
Nicole: I’m surprised you’re pretty!
Daniele: That was weird. What does everyone think of Oussama?
Nicole: I’m sure he love-bombed the shit out of her before she arrived in Morocco! That’s happened to me before!
Daniele: Is it happening now?
Gabe: I don’t think he’s using her for a visa at all.
Nicole: So you only watched your own scenes?
Debbie: I’m here, at the epicenter of temporary insanity!
Kris: Me too, and I definitely did not just get out of prison, rehab, or Love After Lockup. I was told there would be hair and makeup, so I did not come prepared.
Nicole: There is, it’s just for everyone else.
Gabe: Oh I’m so sick, I have narcolepsy, I fell in the parking lot, wah.
Kris: Was it easier to be on time because no one needed your help?
Tim and Veronica: We’re here.
Everyone: Why?
Shaun: Welcome everyone! Hi, my name’s Shaun…Gabe, is your hand up already?
Gabe: I have a problem with Debbie.
Shaun: I have a problem with my hearing, because there’s no possible way you could have said that Gabe.
Gabe: I think Oussama’s sincere.
Shaun: Well, you also think your business is successful, so LET’S MOVE ON. Yohan, are you single?
Yohan: Hello Shaun. That dress is very flattering and you are an ageless dove of womanhood. Surely you’ve seen my dick by now.
Shaun: We’ll get to that a bit later. Oussama, hi, are things over with you and Debbie?
Oussama: Yes.
Shaun: How many times have you tried calling Debbie since saying that?
Oussama: Today, or in total?
Shaun: Rishi and Jen, hi. Have you been breaking up longer than you’ve been dating?
Jen: Yes.
Shaun: Isabel, hi! How organized are you now that Gabe is in NYC?
Isabel: Very, but I miss losing my keys.
Shaun: Nicole! You have a shoulder!
Nicole: The stylists thought this would be the most upsetting.
Shaun: Let’s look back on Oussama loudly announcing user-plans.
Oussama: …you have like mental sickness of something.
Gabe: Awww!
Shaun: Are you okay, Gabe?
Oussama: Debbie say she move to Morocco forever, and this was not the plan. The plan was we go to United States.
Yohan: I am with Oussama on this one.
Daniele: Of course you are.
Isabel: So you are with Daniele, exactly the same as Oussama?
Yohan: Yes!
Shaun: Do you know what you did there?
Yohan: Not at all. All I know is, get him a green card and help this man get a job.
Daniele: She’s not a nonprofit.
Oussama: Also, I am not a job.
Shaun: Were you really in love with Debbie?
Oussama: Then. But now, I don’t love her.
Nicole: Just because she didn’t get you a visa?
Oussama: Yes, that is how conditional love works.
Shaun: Why are you stalking her then?
Oussama: I want to make sure our breakup is clear.
Nicole: Things should be clear when she doesn’t answer your phone calls.
Jen: I know RIGHT? Who needs to break up REPEATEDLY?
Shaun: Um.
Oussama: I have text amnesia.
Gabe: She could be using him to live in Morocco.
Shaun: Gabe, I’m going to need you to reach for Miguel silence until the edible break.
Debbie: Oussama doesn’t know what love means.
Shaun: Julian, go off.
Julian: Boy let me tell you something. You can probably tell by my everything that I’m a cop with three brutality complaints, and I’m comfortable reaching for four.
Jen: I love you. I do love you.
Rishi: I can also be professional wrestler.
Shaun: Julian, you tell everyone you’re a cop shortly after hello, right?
Julian: Absolutely, Shaun. I’m a cop, I can sniff out bullshit a mile away.
Shaun: Is that the reputation of cops? That is not on my card.
Julian: Get your act together, quit preying off elderly women, and get yourself a job.
Shaun: This is my job.
Oussama: I will not get a job, I am a poet and I will die for my dream.
Poets: Probably.
Shaun: Oussama, can you really live off $100 and 30 free copies of a chapbook? Or are you planning to be rich in compliments?
Debbie: Look, there was one time where we joked about getting him a visa, and I explained they would just look at our ages and laugh us out of the office.
Shaun: That hasn’t stopped anyone on this show before. Tell me you at least sent him money.
Debbie: Yes, and it was chump change. I don’t see anything wrong with helping someone out now and again.
Yohan: Yes, Debbie, you are as beautiful as you are wise. I understand you are single now, yes?
Gabe: Sell your paintings! Tourists love that shit! Set up a little booth and airbrush their children onto t-shirts.
Oussama: No. I’m not selling underwears or something. I’m selling something valuable.
Shaun: Are you sure?
Oussama: It doesn’t make sense for you because you’re not an artist.
Gabe: I would like to take back my Oussama defense.
Shaun: Seriously, at least skim the season between tequila shots like the rest of us, Gabe.
Julian: Mama, I want you to find a real man. Someone who introduces himself with his profession and does everything in his power to not let you forget it.
Yohan: Hello, I am in the Dominican Republic, and I am working so very hard with many jobs. You can call me Papa, young man.
Daniele: I’m still on this fucking stage, Yohan.
Shaun: Would you ever take Oussama back, Debbie? You’re scoring surprisingly high on our self-esteem chart.
Debbie: He’d have to move mountains for me to be with him.
Shaun: Nevermind.
Oussama: I do not have a mountain, but I am artist, so here is painting of mountain.
Julian: That’s just a red circle with two lines. I’m taking away all your technology, mama. This is why we need to stop Facebook.
Shaun: Debbie and Oussama, I don’t know WHERE this relationship is going, but I know I’m going to the ladies for a little toot-toot in the snoot-snoot.
Julian: Nowhere. It’s going nowhere, Shaun.
Debbie: Julian! Oussama did not look well. Maybe he needs therapy.
Julian: Maybe you need to stop thinking about what he needs and start thinking about what you need. The answer is still therapy.
Debbie: Guess what Julian? Didn’t you think Jen is kinda cute and nice and maybe she’s batting her eyes at you a little bit?
Julian: You got my number you can give it to her, okay?
Debbie: I think I have a different purpose in life now.
Purty: So what, I’m just gonna sit here in the corner like an asshole, because donkeys get serenaded in a field all the time, right? That meant NOTHING? FUCK YOU DEBBIE AND FUCK YOU SHAUN!
Shaun: AND WE’RE BACK! Nicole, how’s your latest software upgrade?
Nicole: I’m living in LA, and Mahmoud has a visa appointment in 20 days, and if it’s approved we’ll all be shocked.
Shaun: You got engaged after seven days, right? That’s a long time to be high.
Nicole: I knew when he returned my phone calls that he was the one.
Shaun: When you sobered up, did you know where you were?
Nicole: Kinda, but every time he says “Honey, I love you so much” I reboot and can’t remember anything.
Shaun: Mahmoud, how did you know Nicole could be hacked?
Mahmoud: When I ask her, she say yes, which is so much different from other women.
Shaun: Right. This card just says, “something Islam” because apparently that’s all it takes?
Mahmoud: If she wants be Muslim or not, that is her choice, but my child will be Muslim.
Gabe: What if they don’t want to? Are you going to force them?
Mahmoud: Please, we are much more freedom than Florida.
Gabe: What if you have a daughter? Are you going to make her wear a hijab?
Mahmoud: Force, what is all this force, I just say what I want over and over until she threaten me with divorce.
Nicole: It feels bad to me to be told what to wear, so I’m glad I married someone who will do exactly that.
Shaun: So you want strangers to fight your battles for you, while you pretend to be agreeable?
Nicole: I don’t understand the question Shaun, but Iloveyousomuch.
Gabe: You shouldn’t force a kid to do anything. That’s all I’m saying. Again.
Daniele: Are you going to make them go to Quaranic school?
Shaun: BWAHAHAHA did she just say Quaranic school?
Mahmoud: Okay, I am sorry but don’t you have some religion or culture to sample from or something? Maybe do yoga pose on mango in front of Saint Michael taqueria, please, this is between me and my wife.
Gabe: Daniele, are you going to force your child to kick coconuts?
Daniele: Who doesn’t want to kick coconuts? I’m talking about the Islams!
Shaun: Since Daniele just took what she knows about Hebrew and Sunday School and dipped it in Qu’ran juice, if this were a Jewish couple, or a Christian couple, would they get the same kind of criticism?
Gabe: That sounds so close to a point that we should move on.
Shaun: I mean, sure, someone should ask why a conservative Muslim would marry a western non-Muslim with so many Muslims to choose from, but this could trigger Gabe to talk again.
Gabe: We’re talking about clothing, Shaun.
Mahmoud: This is between me and my wife, okay?
Gabe: But you’re talking about forcing someone to do something. You oppress her and force her to do things.
Nicole: But look at my freedom-shoulder!
Mahmoud: You are going fuck yourself, okay asshole? (Microphone toss.)
Nicole: Oh, honey buns. (Weeps.)
Next week: Jen’s squad surfaces to share scorn for weak women, strong women, and every woman in between, Jeymi loses her shit laughing at their efforts, Mahmoud offers a colorful string of curse words that could send Gabe into a pillow-spiral, Jen wants Rishi to stand up for a relationshit that’s over, Kris and Jeymi both have side pieces to supplement their four-week spouse, and Isabel lobbies for placement on Seeking Brother Husband.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS!
2023.05.17 05:18 fractalfay The Holding Tank for Temporary Insanity: Recap of 90DFTOW S04E15 and Tell All Part 1
Monica’s doing the most to push Isabel and Gabe’s storyline into a second season, because Isabel and her fam are wholesome as fuck, and Happily Ever After ends with a question mark for a reason, people.
“I’m willing to skip the wedding and see everything as a precursor to divorce if I don’t have to listen to Gabe’s excuses for being late,” Monica strikes a devil’s bargain.
“Is it too late for me to be The Problem?” Mom asks from the frontlines of dragging Gabe to the altar by his ankle.
Gabe arrives at the venue in time to marvel at the work other people have accomplished. Isabel’s still angry about Gabe’s late arrival and indifference to the stress it caused, and it’s raining, but her focus is on making things magical. Her hair accessories provide a solid start, and she gets dressed and looks beautiful. Artfully arranged motion-lights announce Gabe’s mom will be frowning him down the aisle, before Isabel’s dad leads her towards Gabe and his forgotten compliment.
“My heart is beating so fast,” Gabe whispers to Isabel.
“Do you like it?” Isabel tries. “For fuck’s sake, can you remember there’s a second person here?”
“I told you, Monica is sick!” Gabe chooses the wrong second person. “Also, I like it.”
Isabel recovers, and scene-stealer Miguel steps forward to present the rings, while Isabel’s daughter Sara looks on and dabs at happy tears. Isabel giggles at Gabe’s sausage fingers and requests lube to slide the ring on, and when no one shouts “It’s a sign!” it’s clear Monica really did stay home. Isabel beams at the ring on her finger, and the oldest man in Colombia pronounces them married, and Gabe’s mom finally finds her smile.
Isabel’s enjoying the wedding so much she forgets to sound-scan for the complaint-octave, and when all she hears is laughter she knows Monica really is missing. Gabe pauses his fork struggles when Isabel asks about her, and explains Monica’s mad about last night, and it doesn’t really matter, because she’ll still be mad tomorrow, the next day, and at some point she’ll switch reasons.
“Let’s move on like Shaun’s on,” Gabe is ready to dance.
“I’m not ready yet!” Shaun is torn between three lime dresses.
Isabel says Monica owes Gabe an explanation, and she can deliver it from a motorized scooter in the aisles of Walmart for all she cares, because she’s enjoying this wedding. Everyone keeps the fun-pledge, and Isabel’s parents report their happiness at seeing them married. Miguel’s vow of silence holds firm, so Sara volunteers to express joy for both of them. Miguel solidifies his status as side-character MVP with a bounce dance of approval, and looks like an adorable mini-version of Isabel’s dad.
The crew in Egypt is planning to fight Team Colombia in the street before the reunion like Gangs of New York, because they’re that pissed about pulling the bummer card.
“What’s that? Film another fucking clothing talk?” Camera #2’s eyes are shaking around his head. “How about I film this fucker making a dresser in the street instead? GET IT? HA HA HA I’M FINE!”
Nicole’s chosen an Out of Africa ensemble for this boring, and she congratulates Mahmoud for not asking her to button it over her face. Then she asks if he’s ready for what was always their plan, and Mahmoud says he is, but he’s got a full spank bank just in case she doesn’t spring for airfare or exposes both shoulders at the reunion.
“It is a choice of course, and if you make one I don’t like, then I will be angry,” Mahmoud explains it all.
“Is there any way you could address your own anger about that, since before it was about your culture and your country, and my culture is basically rollerskating in a thong between bong rips?” Nicole adds an LA addendum.
Mahmoud says he doesn’t like how she threatens to leave him, and Nicole switches to the other women he’s texting, and how weird it is that a man who reportedly doesn’t want to leave Egypt only talks to women from other countries.
“You saw how women in Egypt is like so uppity with your friend who does sexy yoga for men, yes?” Mahmoud with the defense!
“How old are you?” Nicole asks, as he giggles and hides his face.
“Like mentally, or like, spiritually, or like birth certificate or something?” Mahmoud needs her to be more specific.
Mahmoud tries to keep a straight face when he asks why she went through his phone, and Nicole asks about the girl from China he sent the “hang in there” cat meme to, when he knows that’s their thing.
“Yes?” Mahmoud isn’t sure if there’s a question in there.
“Thank you.” Nicole puts her foot down?
“You are welcome?” Mahmoud is lost, too.
Nicole thinks people make a lot of very deliberate mistakes over and over again, and she’d rather leave the past in the past so they can focus on the next season.
“I’m willing to overlook this, because if you overlook enough red flags, eventually you can stitch them into a parachute,” Nicole says. “Remember that game from elementary school, honey bunny?”
“Elementary school was like three four weeks ago,” Mahmoud recalls. “I know it is like yes honey I love you so much.”
Rishi goes to temple to reflect on being dumped, and the astrologer meets him there to told-you-so. He’s not ready to accept that it’s over with Jen, but the rest of us are fine.
“I’m more than fine,” Randi interrupts, before sending Rishi another message from London.
“I forgot to tell you something,” the astrologer fights for relevancy. “When I said you should wait, I meant you should wait forever, because there is no moment in time when you and Jen are compatible. Not on earth, or any neighboring planets.”
“I’m still willing to fight for another season,” Rishi insists.
Jen is still receiving texts from Rishi, so she dolls herself up for a second in-person breakup. Rishi arrives with a side-hug and thoughts on the humidity putting his hair at peril. She asks where they stand, and Rishi points out they’re sitting down, which makes this hard to accept.
“You say goodbye, and I say hello,” Rishi presses. “Hello hello. I don’t know why—“
“I’m not letting a poem slip through the door!” Jen wipes away tears, and tells him she’s going back to Oklahoma. She feels she has no control over the relationship, but she doesn’t regret it, and so they say goodbye again to see if Rishi will jai-ho after her this time. He opts to stare instead, and promises to fight for their relationship with lukewarm conviction once the cameras return.
Kris is about to clock 24 hours in Colombia, and that’s as long as Jeymi’s willing to wait to call her out on the excuse wheel that never stops spinning.
“I’ll be back when I figure out why you’re unreasonable!” Kris shouts.
“Of course, because I was talking, and now you are one who is talking like always,” Jeymi awaits the coming reprimand.
“My son is in jail,” Kris mines for a Johnny Cash song that can strum her out of this. “Also, money. I told her $400, and she came at me with $550.”
“I’m sorry, where is this again?” Daniele interrupts.
“The situation with her son was much before my birthday,” Jeymi sets the record straight. “She tell her mom she send $1,000, and tells me $550 is too much. I have so much debt now. Two weeks turned into five months, and this math is so empty.”
“I’m sorry, there is no time when this relationship will work,” the astrologer stops by for seconds.
Kris returns from the weapons store armed with bullying and storming away, and thinks this might convince Jeymi to apologize for expecting anything from her.
“You can’t talk about something and not let me respond to what you’re saying.” This point doesn’t sound like Kris.
“I have too much things in my head I have to tell you —“
“How much did I tell you I could pay for rent?” There she is!
“What are you talk about rent, I talk about being abandon—”
“I’m done!” Kris declares. “My son comes first when we’re sharing a cell. I told you! Find someone else to pay your fucking bills!”
“I obviously did, or I would have been evicted!” Jeymi marvels at being yelled at by someone who asked her not to raise her voice.
Kris storms all the way to the van, and production opens the door reluctantly, because they really expected something to happen before the “done” declaration. Jeymi directs her attention to production, and gets a few more digs in about how absurd it is that Kris thinks she wants her for things, when she’s seen Kris’ things, and no one has “keychain ashes” on their Amazon wish list. Kris orders Jeymi to stop talking to production, and then shoves Jeymi out of the van and shuts the door.
“You see?” Jeymi shouts to the camera. “She probably need go to pharmacy! AGAIN!”
“Or maybe the weapons store!” Kris shouts back. “AGAIN!”
Jeymi cries in the car, while the editors struggle to stitch together a series of events that allow this to make sense as a death-blow to MARRIAGE, before flipping coins to decide who is going to pilot the Kris carriage towards her next disaster.
Now it’s time for Part 1 of the Tell-All, and Gabe wakes up and worries about Isabel being late, because he’s confused her for himself. Jen gets ready and pre-hates Oussama to prove she watched this season, and Nicole arrives at the studio determined to manifest a good day with an assist from an extra inch of hair.
Gabe: Hi Nicole! I hate your husband!
Nicole: Okay, but I’m not asking permission to wear things anymore. I’m just going to send him pictures of several clothing options, and prepare to apologize when the stylist overrules him.
Daniele: Hi everyone!
Nicole: I’m surprised you’re pretty!
Daniele: That was weird. What does everyone think of Oussama?
Nicole: I’m sure he love-bombed the shit out of her before she arrived in Morocco! That’s happened to me before!
Daniele: Is it happening now?
Gabe: I don’t think he’s using her for a visa at all.
Nicole: So you only watched your own scenes?
Debbie: I’m here, at the epicenter of temporary insanity!
Kris: Me too, and I definitely did not just get out of prison, rehab, or Love After Lockup. I was told there would be hair and makeup, so I did not come prepared.
Nicole: There is, it’s just for everyone else.
Gabe: Oh I’m so sick, I have narcolepsy, I fell in the parking lot, wah.
Kris: Was it easier to be on time because no one needed your help?
Tim and Veronica: We’re here.
Everyone: Why?
Shaun: Welcome everyone! Hi, my name’s Shaun…Gabe, is your hand up already?
Gabe: I have a problem with Debbie.
Shaun: I have a problem with my hearing, because there’s no possible way you could have said that Gabe.
Gabe: I think Oussama’s sincere.
Shaun: Well, you also think your business is successful, so LET’S MOVE ON. Yohan, are you single?
Yohan: Hello Shaun. That dress is very flattering and you are an ageless dove of womanhood. Surely you’ve seen my dick by now.
Shaun: We’ll get to that a bit later. Oussama, hi, are things over with you and Debbie?
Oussama: Yes.
Shaun: How many times have you tried calling Debbie since saying that?
Oussama: Today, or in total?
Shaun: Rishi and Jen, hi. Have you been breaking up longer than you’ve been dating?
Jen: Yes.
Shaun: Isabel, hi! How organized are you now that Gabe is in NYC?
Isabel: Very, but I miss losing my keys.
Shaun: Nicole! You have a shoulder!
Nicole: The stylists thought this would be the most upsetting.
Shaun: Let’s look back on Oussama loudly announcing user-plans.
Oussama: …you have like mental sickness of something.
Gabe: Awww!
Shaun: Are you okay, Gabe?
Oussama: Debbie say she move to Morocco forever, and this was not the plan. The plan was we go to United States.
Yohan: I am with Oussama on this one.
Daniele: Of course you are.
Isabel: So you are with Daniele, exactly the same as Oussama?
Yohan: Yes!
Shaun: Do you know what you did there?
Yohan: Not at all. All I know is, get him a green card and help this man get a job.
Daniele: She’s not a nonprofit.
Oussama: Also, I am not a job.
Shaun: Were you really in love with Debbie?
Oussama: Then. But now, I don’t love her.
Nicole: Just because she didn’t get you a visa?
Oussama: Yes, that is how conditional love works.
Shaun: Why are you stalking her then?
Oussama: I want to make sure our breakup is clear.
Nicole: Things should be clear when she doesn’t answer your phone calls.
Jen: I know RIGHT? Who needs to break up REPEATEDLY?
Shaun: Um.
Oussama: I have text amnesia.
Gabe: She could be using him to live in Morocco.
Shaun: Gabe, I’m going to need you to reach for Miguel silence until the edible break.
Debbie: Oussama doesn’t know what love means.
Shaun: Julian, go off.
Julian: Boy let me tell you something. You can probably tell by my everything that I’m a cop with three brutality complaints, and I’m comfortable reaching for four.
Jen: I love you. I do love you.
Rishi: I can also be professional wrestler.
Shaun: Julian, you tell everyone you’re a cop shortly after hello, right?
Julian: Absolutely, Shaun. I’m a cop, I can sniff out bullshit a mile away.
Shaun: Is that the reputation of cops? That is not on my card.
Julian: Get your act together, quit preying off elderly women, and get yourself a job.
Shaun: This is my job.
Oussama: I will not get a job, I am a poet and I will die for my dream.
Poets: Probably.
Shaun: Oussama, can you really live off $100 and 30 free copies of a chapbook? Or are you planning to be rich in compliments?
Debbie: Look, there was one time where we joked about getting him a visa, and I explained they would just look at our ages and laugh us out of the office.
Shaun: That hasn’t stopped anyone on this show before. Tell me you at least sent him money.
Debbie: Yes, and it was chump change. I don’t see anything wrong with helping someone out now and again.
Yohan: Yes, Debbie, you are as beautiful as you are wise. I understand you are single now, yes?
Gabe: Sell your paintings! Tourists love that shit! Set up a little booth and airbrush their children onto t-shirts.
Oussama: No. I’m not selling underwears or something. I’m selling something valuable.
Shaun: Are you sure?
Oussama: It doesn’t make sense for you because you’re not an artist.
Gabe: I would like to take back my Oussama defense.
Shaun: Seriously, at least skim the season between tequila shots like the rest of us, Gabe.
Julian: Mama, I want you to find a real man. Someone who introduces himself with his profession and does everything in his power to not let you forget it.
Yohan: Hello, I am in the Dominican Republic, and I am working so very hard with many jobs. You can call me Papa, young man.
Daniele: I’m still on this fucking stage, Yohan.
Shaun: Would you ever take Oussama back, Debbie? You’re scoring surprisingly high on our self-esteem chart.
Debbie: He’d have to move mountains for me to be with him.
Shaun: Nevermind.
Oussama: I do not have a mountain, but I am artist, so here is painting of mountain.
Julian: That’s just a red circle with two lines. I’m taking away all your technology, mama. This is why we need to stop Facebook.
Shaun: Debbie and Oussama, I don’t know WHERE this relationship is going, but I know I’m going to the ladies for a little toot-toot in the snoot-snoot.
Julian: Nowhere. It’s going nowhere, Shaun.
Debbie: Julian! Oussama did not look well. Maybe he needs therapy.
Julian: Maybe you need to stop thinking about what he needs and start thinking about what you need. The answer is still therapy.
Debbie: Guess what Julian? Didn’t you think Jen is kinda cute and nice and maybe she’s batting her eyes at you a little bit?
Julian: You got my number you can give it to her, okay?
Debbie: I think I have a different purpose in life now.
Purty: So what, I’m just gonna sit here in the corner like an asshole, because donkeys get serenaded in a field all the time, right? That meant NOTHING? FUCK YOU DEBBIE AND FUCK YOU SHAUN!
Shaun: AND WE’RE BACK! Nicole, how’s your latest software upgrade?
Nicole: I’m living in LA, and Mahmoud has a visa appointment in 20 days, and if it’s approved we’ll all be shocked.
Shaun: You got engaged after seven days, right? That’s a long time to be high.
Nicole: I knew when he returned my phone calls that he was the one.
Shaun: When you sobered up, did you know where you were?
Nicole: Kinda, but every time he says “Honey, I love you so much” I reboot and can’t remember anything.
Shaun: Mahmoud, how did you know Nicole could be hacked?
Mahmoud: When I ask her, she say yes, which is so much different from other women.
Shaun: Right. This card just says, “something Islam” because apparently that’s all it takes?
Mahmoud: If she wants be Muslim or not, that is her choice, but my child will be Muslim.
Gabe: What if they don’t want to? Are you going to force them?
Mahmoud: Please, we are much more freedom than Florida.
Gabe: What if you have a daughter? Are you going to make her wear a hijab?
Mahmoud: Force, what is all this force, I just say what I want over and over until she threaten me with divorce.
Nicole: It feels bad to me to be told what to wear, so I’m glad I married someone who will do exactly that.
Shaun: So you want strangers to fight your battles for you, while you pretend to be agreeable?
Nicole: I don’t understand the question Shaun, but Iloveyousomuch.
Gabe: You shouldn’t force a kid to do anything. That’s all I’m saying. Again.
Daniele: Are you going to make them go to Quaranic school?
Shaun: BWAHAHAHA did she just say Quaranic school?
Mahmoud: Okay, I am sorry but don’t you have some religion or culture to sample from or something? Maybe do yoga pose on mango in front of Saint Michael taqueria, please, this is between me and my wife.
Gabe: Daniele, are you going to force your child to kick coconuts?
Daniele: Who doesn’t want to kick coconuts? I’m talking about the Islams!
Shaun: Since Daniele just took what she knows about Hebrew and Sunday School and dipped it in Qu’ran juice, if this were a Jewish couple, or a Christian couple, would they get the same kind of criticism?
Gabe: That sounds so close to a point that we should move on.
Shaun: I mean, sure, someone should ask why a conservative Muslim would marry a western non-Muslim with so many Muslims to choose from, but this could trigger Gabe to talk again.
Gabe: We’re talking about clothing, Shaun.
Mahmoud: This is between me and my wife, okay?
Gabe: But you’re talking about forcing someone to do something. You oppress her and force her to do things.
Nicole: But look at my freedom-shoulder!
Mahmoud: You are going fuck yourself, okay asshole? (Microphone toss.)
Nicole: Oh, honey buns. (Weeps.)
Next week: Jen’s squad surfaces to share scorn for weak women, strong women, and every woman in between, Jeymi loses her shit laughing at their efforts, Mahmoud offers a colorful string of curse words that could send Gabe into a pillow-spiral, Jen wants Rishi to stand up for a relationshit that’s over, Kris and Jeymi both have side pieces to supplement their four-week spouse, and Isabel lobbies for placement on Seeking Brother Husband.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS! patreon.com/fractalfay or @fractalfay for ambitious venmo tipper-types!
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“I’m willing to skip the wedding and see everything as a precursor to divorce if I don’t have to listen to Gabe’s excuses for being late,” Monica strikes a devil’s bargain.
“Is it too late for me to be The Problem?” Mom asks from the frontlines of dragging Gabe to the altar by his ankle.
Gabe arrives at the venue in time to marvel at the work other people have accomplished. Isabel’s still angry about Gabe’s late arrival and indifference to the stress it caused, and it’s raining, but her focus is on making things magical. Her hair accessories provide a solid start, and she gets dressed and looks beautiful. Artfully arranged motion-lights announce Gabe’s mom will be frowning him down the aisle, before Isabel’s dad leads her towards Gabe and his forgotten compliment.
“My heart is beating so fast,” Gabe whispers to Isabel.
“Do you like it?” Isabel tries. “For fuck’s sake, can you remember there’s a second person here?”
“I told you, Monica is sick!” Gabe chooses the wrong second person. “Also, I like it.”
Isabel recovers, and scene-stealer Miguel steps forward to present the rings, while Isabel’s daughter Sara looks on and dabs at happy tears. Isabel giggles at Gabe’s sausage fingers and requests lube to slide the ring on, and when no one shouts “It’s a sign!” it’s clear Monica really did stay home. Isabel beams at the ring on her finger, and the oldest man in Colombia pronounces them married, and Gabe’s mom finally finds her smile.
Isabel’s enjoying the wedding so much she forgets to sound-scan for the complaint-octave, and when all she hears is laughter she knows Monica really is missing. Gabe pauses his fork struggles when Isabel asks about her, and explains Monica’s mad about last night, and it doesn’t really matter, because she’ll still be mad tomorrow, the next day, and at some point she’ll switch reasons.
“Let’s move on like Shaun’s on,” Gabe is ready to dance.
“I’m not ready yet!” Shaun is torn between three lime dresses.
Isabel says Monica owes Gabe an explanation, and she can deliver it from a motorized scooter in the aisles of Walmart for all she cares, because she’s enjoying this wedding. Everyone keeps the fun-pledge, and Isabel’s parents report their happiness at seeing them married. Miguel’s vow of silence holds firm, so Sara volunteers to express joy for both of them. Miguel solidifies his status as side-character MVP with a bounce dance of approval, and looks like an adorable mini-version of Isabel’s dad.
The crew in Egypt is planning to fight Team Colombia in the street before the reunion like Gangs of New York, because they’re that pissed about pulling the bummer card.
“What’s that? Film another fucking clothing talk?” Camera #2’s eyes are shaking around his head. “How about I film this fucker making a dresser in the street instead? GET IT? HA HA HA I’M FINE!”
Nicole’s chosen an Out of Africa ensemble for this boring, and she congratulates Mahmoud for not asking her to button it over her face. Then she asks if he’s ready for what was always their plan, and Mahmoud says he is, but he’s got a full spank bank just in case she doesn’t spring for airfare or exposes both shoulders at the reunion.
“It is a choice of course, and if you make one I don’t like, then I will be angry,” Mahmoud explains it all.
“Is there any way you could address your own anger about that, since before it was about your culture and your country, and my culture is basically rollerskating in a thong between bong rips?” Nicole adds an LA addendum.
Mahmoud says he doesn’t like how she threatens to leave him, and Nicole switches to the other women he’s texting, and how weird it is that a man who reportedly doesn’t want to leave Egypt only talks to women from other countries.
“You saw how women in Egypt is like so uppity with your friend who does sexy yoga for men, yes?” Mahmoud with the defense!
“How old are you?” Nicole asks, as he giggles and hides his face.
“Like mentally, or like, spiritually, or like birth certificate or something?” Mahmoud needs her to be more specific.
Mahmoud tries to keep a straight face when he asks why she went through his phone, and Nicole asks about the girl from China he sent the “hang in there” cat meme to, when he knows that’s their thing.
“Yes?” Mahmoud isn’t sure if there’s a question in there.
“Thank you.” Nicole puts her foot down?
“You are welcome?” Mahmoud is lost, too.
Nicole thinks people make a lot of very deliberate mistakes over and over again, and she’d rather leave the past in the past so they can focus on the next season.
“I’m willing to overlook this, because if you overlook enough red flags, eventually you can stitch them into a parachute,” Nicole says. “Remember that game from elementary school, honey bunny?”
“Elementary school was like three four weeks ago,” Mahmoud recalls. “I know it is like yes honey I love you so much.”
Rishi goes to temple to reflect on being dumped, and the astrologer meets him there to told-you-so. He’s not ready to accept that it’s over with Jen, but the rest of us are fine.
“I’m more than fine,” Randi interrupts, before sending Rishi another message from London.
“I forgot to tell you something,” the astrologer fights for relevancy. “When I said you should wait, I meant you should wait forever, because there is no moment in time when you and Jen are compatible. Not on earth, or any neighboring planets.”
“I’m still willing to fight for another season,” Rishi insists.
Jen is still receiving texts from Rishi, so she dolls herself up for a second in-person breakup. Rishi arrives with a side-hug and thoughts on the humidity putting his hair at peril. She asks where they stand, and Rishi points out they’re sitting down, which makes this hard to accept.
“You say goodbye, and I say hello,” Rishi presses. “Hello hello. I don’t know why—“
“I’m not letting a poem slip through the door!” Jen wipes away tears, and tells him she’s going back to Oklahoma. She feels she has no control over the relationship, but she doesn’t regret it, and so they say goodbye again to see if Rishi will jai-ho after her this time. He opts to stare instead, and promises to fight for their relationship with lukewarm conviction once the cameras return.
Kris is about to clock 24 hours in Colombia, and that’s as long as Jeymi’s willing to wait to call her out on the excuse wheel that never stops spinning.
“I’ll be back when I figure out why you’re unreasonable!” Kris shouts.
“Of course, because I was talking, and now you are one who is talking like always,” Jeymi awaits the coming reprimand.
“My son is in jail,” Kris mines for a Johnny Cash song that can strum her out of this. “Also, money. I told her $400, and she came at me with $550.”
“I’m sorry, where is this again?” Daniele interrupts.
“The situation with her son was much before my birthday,” Jeymi sets the record straight. “She tell her mom she send $1,000, and tells me $550 is too much. I have so much debt now. Two weeks turned into five months, and this math is so empty.”
“I’m sorry, there is no time when this relationship will work,” the astrologer stops by for seconds.
Kris returns from the weapons store armed with bullying and storming away, and thinks this might convince Jeymi to apologize for expecting anything from her.
“You can’t talk about something and not let me respond to what you’re saying.” This point doesn’t sound like Kris.
“I have too much things in my head I have to tell you —“
“How much did I tell you I could pay for rent?” There she is!
“What are you talk about rent, I talk about being abandon—”
“I’m done!” Kris declares. “My son comes first when we’re sharing a cell. I told you! Find someone else to pay your fucking bills!”
“I obviously did, or I would have been evicted!” Jeymi marvels at being yelled at by someone who asked her not to raise her voice.
Kris storms all the way to the van, and production opens the door reluctantly, because they really expected something to happen before the “done” declaration. Jeymi directs her attention to production, and gets a few more digs in about how absurd it is that Kris thinks she wants her for things, when she’s seen Kris’ things, and no one has “keychain ashes” on their Amazon wish list. Kris orders Jeymi to stop talking to production, and then shoves Jeymi out of the van and shuts the door.
“You see?” Jeymi shouts to the camera. “She probably need go to pharmacy! AGAIN!”
“Or maybe the weapons store!” Kris shouts back. “AGAIN!”
Jeymi cries in the car, while the editors struggle to stitch together a series of events that allow this to make sense as a death-blow to MARRIAGE, before flipping coins to decide who is going to pilot the Kris carriage towards her next disaster.
Now it’s time for Part 1 of the Tell-All, and Gabe wakes up and worries about Isabel being late, because he’s confused her for himself. Jen gets ready and pre-hates Oussama to prove she watched this season, and Nicole arrives at the studio determined to manifest a good day with an assist from an extra inch of hair.
Gabe: Hi Nicole! I hate your husband!
Nicole: Okay, but I’m not asking permission to wear things anymore. I’m just going to send him pictures of several clothing options, and prepare to apologize when the stylist overrules him.
Daniele: Hi everyone!
Nicole: I’m surprised you’re pretty!
Daniele: That was weird. What does everyone think of Oussama?
Nicole: I’m sure he love-bombed the shit out of her before she arrived in Morocco! That’s happened to me before!
Daniele: Is it happening now?
Gabe: I don’t think he’s using her for a visa at all.
Nicole: So you only watched your own scenes?
Debbie: I’m here, at the epicenter of temporary insanity!
Kris: Me too, and I definitely did not just get out of prison, rehab, or Love After Lockup. I was told there would be hair and makeup, so I did not come prepared.
Nicole: There is, it’s just for everyone else.
Gabe: Oh I’m so sick, I have narcolepsy, I fell in the parking lot, wah.
Kris: Was it easier to be on time because no one needed your help?
Tim and Veronica: We’re here.
Everyone: Why?
Shaun: Welcome everyone! Hi, my name’s Shaun…Gabe, is your hand up already?
Gabe: I have a problem with Debbie.
Shaun: I have a problem with my hearing, because there’s no possible way you could have said that Gabe.
Gabe: I think Oussama’s sincere.
Shaun: Well, you also think your business is successful, so LET’S MOVE ON. Yohan, are you single?
Yohan: Hello Shaun. That dress is very flattering and you are an ageless dove of womanhood. Surely you’ve seen my dick by now.
Shaun: We’ll get to that a bit later. Oussama, hi, are things over with you and Debbie?
Oussama: Yes.
Shaun: How many times have you tried calling Debbie since saying that?
Oussama: Today, or in total?
Shaun: Rishi and Jen, hi. Have you been breaking up longer than you’ve been dating?
Jen: Yes.
Shaun: Isabel, hi! How organized are you now that Gabe is in NYC?
Isabel: Very, but I miss losing my keys.
Shaun: Nicole! You have a shoulder!
Nicole: The stylists thought this would be the most upsetting.
Shaun: Let’s look back on Oussama loudly announcing user-plans.
Oussama: …you have like mental sickness of something.
Gabe: Awww!
Shaun: Are you okay, Gabe?
Oussama: Debbie say she move to Morocco forever, and this was not the plan. The plan was we go to United States.
Yohan: I am with Oussama on this one.
Daniele: Of course you are.
Isabel: So you are with Daniele, exactly the same as Oussama?
Yohan: Yes!
Shaun: Do you know what you did there?
Yohan: Not at all. All I know is, get him a green card and help this man get a job.
Daniele: She’s not a nonprofit.
Oussama: Also, I am not a job.
Shaun: Were you really in love with Debbie?
Oussama: Then. But now, I don’t love her.
Nicole: Just because she didn’t get you a visa?
Oussama: Yes, that is how conditional love works.
Shaun: Why are you stalking her then?
Oussama: I want to make sure our breakup is clear.
Nicole: Things should be clear when she doesn’t answer your phone calls.
Jen: I know RIGHT? Who needs to break up REPEATEDLY?
Shaun: Um.
Oussama: I have text amnesia.
Gabe: She could be using him to live in Morocco.
Shaun: Gabe, I’m going to need you to reach for Miguel silence until the edible break.
Debbie: Oussama doesn’t know what love means.
Shaun: Julian, go off.
Julian: Boy let me tell you something. You can probably tell by my everything that I’m a cop with three brutality complaints, and I’m comfortable reaching for four.
Jen: I love you. I do love you.
Rishi: I can also be professional wrestler.
Shaun: Julian, you tell everyone you’re a cop shortly after hello, right?
Julian: Absolutely, Shaun. I’m a cop, I can sniff out bullshit a mile away.
Shaun: Is that the reputation of cops? That is not on my card.
Julian: Get your act together, quit preying off elderly women, and get yourself a job.
Shaun: This is my job.
Oussama: I will not get a job, I am a poet and I will die for my dream.
Poets: Probably.
Shaun: Oussama, can you really live off $100 and 30 free copies of a chapbook? Or are you planning to be rich in compliments?
Debbie: Look, there was one time where we joked about getting him a visa, and I explained they would just look at our ages and laugh us out of the office.
Shaun: That hasn’t stopped anyone on this show before. Tell me you at least sent him money.
Debbie: Yes, and it was chump change. I don’t see anything wrong with helping someone out now and again.
Yohan: Yes, Debbie, you are as beautiful as you are wise. I understand you are single now, yes?
Gabe: Sell your paintings! Tourists love that shit! Set up a little booth and airbrush their children onto t-shirts.
Oussama: No. I’m not selling underwears or something. I’m selling something valuable.
Shaun: Are you sure?
Oussama: It doesn’t make sense for you because you’re not an artist.
Gabe: I would like to take back my Oussama defense.
Shaun: Seriously, at least skim the season between tequila shots like the rest of us, Gabe.
Julian: Mama, I want you to find a real man. Someone who introduces himself with his profession and does everything in his power to not let you forget it.
Yohan: Hello, I am in the Dominican Republic, and I am working so very hard with many jobs. You can call me Papa, young man.
Daniele: I’m still on this fucking stage, Yohan.
Shaun: Would you ever take Oussama back, Debbie? You’re scoring surprisingly high on our self-esteem chart.
Debbie: He’d have to move mountains for me to be with him.
Shaun: Nevermind.
Oussama: I do not have a mountain, but I am artist, so here is painting of mountain.
Julian: That’s just a red circle with two lines. I’m taking away all your technology, mama. This is why we need to stop Facebook.
Shaun: Debbie and Oussama, I don’t know WHERE this relationship is going, but I know I’m going to the ladies for a little toot-toot in the snoot-snoot.
Julian: Nowhere. It’s going nowhere, Shaun.
Debbie: Julian! Oussama did not look well. Maybe he needs therapy.
Julian: Maybe you need to stop thinking about what he needs and start thinking about what you need. The answer is still therapy.
Debbie: Guess what Julian? Didn’t you think Jen is kinda cute and nice and maybe she’s batting her eyes at you a little bit?
Julian: You got my number you can give it to her, okay?
Debbie: I think I have a different purpose in life now.
Purty: So what, I’m just gonna sit here in the corner like an asshole, because donkeys get serenaded in a field all the time, right? That meant NOTHING? FUCK YOU DEBBIE AND FUCK YOU SHAUN!
Shaun: AND WE’RE BACK! Nicole, how’s your latest software upgrade?
Nicole: I’m living in LA, and Mahmoud has a visa appointment in 20 days, and if it’s approved we’ll all be shocked.
Shaun: You got engaged after seven days, right? That’s a long time to be high.
Nicole: I knew when he returned my phone calls that he was the one.
Shaun: When you sobered up, did you know where you were?
Nicole: Kinda, but every time he says “Honey, I love you so much” I reboot and can’t remember anything.
Shaun: Mahmoud, how did you know Nicole could be hacked?
Mahmoud: When I ask her, she say yes, which is so much different from other women.
Shaun: Right. This card just says, “something Islam” because apparently that’s all it takes?
Mahmoud: If she wants be Muslim or not, that is her choice, but my child will be Muslim.
Gabe: What if they don’t want to? Are you going to force them?
Mahmoud: Please, we are much more freedom than Florida.
Gabe: What if you have a daughter? Are you going to make her wear a hijab?
Mahmoud: Force, what is all this force, I just say what I want over and over until she threaten me with divorce.
Nicole: It feels bad to me to be told what to wear, so I’m glad I married someone who will do exactly that.
Shaun: So you want strangers to fight your battles for you, while you pretend to be agreeable?
Nicole: I don’t understand the question Shaun, but Iloveyousomuch.
Gabe: You shouldn’t force a kid to do anything. That’s all I’m saying. Again.
Daniele: Are you going to make them go to Quaranic school?
Shaun: BWAHAHAHA did she just say Quaranic school?
Mahmoud: Okay, I am sorry but don’t you have some religion or culture to sample from or something? Maybe do yoga pose on mango in front of Saint Michael taqueria, please, this is between me and my wife.
Gabe: Daniele, are you going to force your child to kick coconuts?
Daniele: Who doesn’t want to kick coconuts? I’m talking about the Islams!
Shaun: Since Daniele just took what she knows about Hebrew and Sunday School and dipped it in Qu’ran juice, if this were a Jewish couple, or a Christian couple, would they get the same kind of criticism?
Gabe: That sounds so close to a point that we should move on.
Shaun: I mean, sure, someone should ask why a conservative Muslim would marry a western non-Muslim with so many Muslims to choose from, but this could trigger Gabe to talk again.
Gabe: We’re talking about clothing, Shaun.
Mahmoud: This is between me and my wife, okay?
Gabe: But you’re talking about forcing someone to do something. You oppress her and force her to do things.
Nicole: But look at my freedom-shoulder!
Mahmoud: You are going fuck yourself, okay asshole? (Microphone toss.)
Nicole: Oh, honey buns. (Weeps.)
Next week: Jen’s squad surfaces to share scorn for weak women, strong women, and every woman in between, Jeymi loses her shit laughing at their efforts, Mahmoud offers a colorful string of curse words that could send Gabe into a pillow-spiral, Jen wants Rishi to stand up for a relationshit that’s over, Kris and Jeymi both have side pieces to supplement their four-week spouse, and Isabel lobbies for placement on Seeking Brother Husband.
THANK YOU, PATREON SUPPORTERS! patreon.com/fractalfay or @fractalfay for ambitious venmo tipper-types!
2023.05.12 03:38 DarkKingCyrus What Many Ask Themselves When Considering Moving To Mayapur
One question many ask when they consider moving to Mayapur or even visiting there is about the living standards. Of course, when one is preparing to enter a life of renunciation this will probably not be a very decisive factor, but for people in family life, it is usually an important consideration.
I found this largely depends on one's expectations. All the basics are present, we have electricity and running water, there are quite nice apartments available, there is a small hospital, pharmacies, many different shops, schools and so on.
Many devotees feel that, even from the material point of view, they can live much better in Mayapur than in their native countries. This is true especially if you live on a budget, since in general things (and especially services) are much cheaper than in most countries. One trying to maintain a family on a thousand dollars per month the in United States will face a lot of hardships, but in Mayapur one can live very comfortably with this money, or even half of it.
In most cities in the west, there is no option for going to a prasadam restaurant, for example, but in Mayapur there are many. There is even a small cinema that plays devotional movies, connected with the ToVP. Most devotees have necessity for this type of entertainment, and different from most other places, in Mayapur this can be done in Krsna Consciousness. This is of course without even counting all the spiritual activities.
The problem is more in the details. Practically everything is present, but it may not be exactly the way one expects. Things may go slowly, and there is always something that doesn't work. We need to change habits, adapt to a new style of food, a new style of social structure, and so on. A certain flexibility is necessary.
For example, electricity is quite cheap compared to most other places, but on the other hand, it is not very stable. Power cuts are rather frequent, but one can adjust to them by buying an inverter and batteries for backup. The water in most buildings is not potable, but one can adjust to that by getting a good filter.
There are many shops around the territory where one can find all the basics. There is even a shop right at the end of the Tarampur Road that serves the devotees who live on Jalangui Dham or Rasamrta Kunj. Twenty years ago devotees had to frequently go to Navadwipa or Krsnanagar for the most basic things, but now practically is available in Mayapur itself. However, one will not find the same assortment as a big supermarket like Walmart or Carrefour for example.
For more specific things that are not available in the shops, there is Amazon. The Indian Amazon has quite a decent variety of products and they deliver in Mayapur, which helps a lot. It works well most of the time, one can even buy with pay-on-delivery, but there are sometimes small issues, like refusals for delivering very heavy items, delays in deliveries, and so on. Again, one can see the cup as half full or half empty.
There is a small hospital right on the main road maintained by devotees. This hospital progressed a lot in recent years. They have a number of doctors, including dentists. Before they didn't have an ultrasound machine and expecting mothers had to go to Krsnanagar, for example, but now the machine is there. The basics are covered, and the prices are very accessible, but of course, one will not find the same level of service as in a private clinic in Europe. Sometimes it is necessary to go to Kolkata for more complicated exams, or in case of some serious emergency, which is uncomfortable, but still doable. There are two pharmacies, one in the hospital and another in Gaura Nagar (and a very small one inside the territory), but is also possible to buy medicines through Amazon.
Many are concerned about the climate. We hear that it is very hot in the summer and damp in the winter. Again, it depends on what we compare. It can be quite hot in the summer, but the temperatures are quite mild compared to Vrndavana or other parts of northern India. If you see a heat map if India you will see that most of the time Mayapur and Jagannatha Puri have much milder temperatures than the rest of the North. Temperatures can go up to 40 degrees Celsius (sometimes even 45 during the afternoons), but this extreme heat usually last for just two months, during April and May. Starting from June (sometimes a little earlier) the rains start and the temperatures drop. In January and part of February it is the time for cold, with the temperatures dropping to around 10°C. The rest of the time temperatures are quite comfortable.
Some are afraid of inundations. This used to be a problem in the past but nowadays is less common. In the last twenty years, there were only two major inundations: in 2006 and 2015. Now there are several dams during the course of the Ganges to prevent inundations and they work well most of the time. The issue is that when the levels exceed a certain limit the dams have to be opened to avoid damage, and that's what causes floods. When this happens, devotees in Mayapur receive a warning and the waters start raising after a few hours. At this point, each devotee has to decide between leaving Mayapur and staying somewhere else or staying for the entire duration of the flood (that lasts for one week or so). Practically all the apartments are built with this in mind, higher than the flood level, so there is no problem inside. Electricity and water supply also continue in most cases, it's possible to buy food and gas (although with difficulty) and even most internal roads remain usable. However, everything that is ground level (including the temple) stays under a meter of water. On the positive side, there are a lot of services to do, helping devotees who live on the ground level and need to relocate, as well as all the local people.
What about transportation? Nowadays there are rickshas everywhere, but the drivers almost always want to charge more to Westerns. Instead of 50 rupees most of the time, we are charged 100 rupees. It's up to you to judge how much of an inconvenience this is. As an alternative, one can just buy a scooter or an electric ricksha and gain independence. Many devotees prefer to just use a bicycle, which is a very ecological and low-cost alternative to both.
The main difficulties of living in Mayapur are connected with the festival season, in Kartika and Gaura Purnima when thousands of devotees come and most services become overloaded. Festivals are great because many sadhus visit and you can meet devotees from all over the world, but things become much more agitated. For one who wants to have peace to experience the holy dhama, it's better to consider coming from December to February, when everything is calmer.
For most devotees, visiting Mayapur annually and staying for a few months at a time is actually more recommendable than moving permanently, because when we do that we have the opportunity of seeing both the holy dhama and the material world, and gradually understand the difference between both.
When one suddenly comes to live in Mayapur and just abandons everything outside, he usually will keep a romanticized memory of his life in the material world, remembering things as better than they really are. When faced with difficulties living in Mayapur he may then consider just going back. However, when one has the opportunity of coming and going for a few years, there is the opportunity of comparing the two realities. One then starts to see the shortcoming of material life and gradually becomes more attracted to living in the holy dhama. After coming and going for some time and understanding well what to expect, one may finally be ready to move for good.
Sri Dham Mayapur is our city, so to say, a city of devotees where we have the opportunity of creating a Vaishnava society that may offer an alternative for all the souls looking for shelter. Problems exist on many levels, but each of us has the opportunity of offering his contribution. When we come to the holy dhama with a consumer mentality it is easy to notice all the small inconveniences, but when we come with an attitude of service such difficulties become much smaller.
(From Caitanya Chandra Das on Facebook)
submitted by DarkKingCyrus to KrishnaConsciousness [link] [comments]
I found this largely depends on one's expectations. All the basics are present, we have electricity and running water, there are quite nice apartments available, there is a small hospital, pharmacies, many different shops, schools and so on.
Many devotees feel that, even from the material point of view, they can live much better in Mayapur than in their native countries. This is true especially if you live on a budget, since in general things (and especially services) are much cheaper than in most countries. One trying to maintain a family on a thousand dollars per month the in United States will face a lot of hardships, but in Mayapur one can live very comfortably with this money, or even half of it.
In most cities in the west, there is no option for going to a prasadam restaurant, for example, but in Mayapur there are many. There is even a small cinema that plays devotional movies, connected with the ToVP. Most devotees have necessity for this type of entertainment, and different from most other places, in Mayapur this can be done in Krsna Consciousness. This is of course without even counting all the spiritual activities.
The problem is more in the details. Practically everything is present, but it may not be exactly the way one expects. Things may go slowly, and there is always something that doesn't work. We need to change habits, adapt to a new style of food, a new style of social structure, and so on. A certain flexibility is necessary.
For example, electricity is quite cheap compared to most other places, but on the other hand, it is not very stable. Power cuts are rather frequent, but one can adjust to them by buying an inverter and batteries for backup. The water in most buildings is not potable, but one can adjust to that by getting a good filter.
There are many shops around the territory where one can find all the basics. There is even a shop right at the end of the Tarampur Road that serves the devotees who live on Jalangui Dham or Rasamrta Kunj. Twenty years ago devotees had to frequently go to Navadwipa or Krsnanagar for the most basic things, but now practically is available in Mayapur itself. However, one will not find the same assortment as a big supermarket like Walmart or Carrefour for example.
For more specific things that are not available in the shops, there is Amazon. The Indian Amazon has quite a decent variety of products and they deliver in Mayapur, which helps a lot. It works well most of the time, one can even buy with pay-on-delivery, but there are sometimes small issues, like refusals for delivering very heavy items, delays in deliveries, and so on. Again, one can see the cup as half full or half empty.
There is a small hospital right on the main road maintained by devotees. This hospital progressed a lot in recent years. They have a number of doctors, including dentists. Before they didn't have an ultrasound machine and expecting mothers had to go to Krsnanagar, for example, but now the machine is there. The basics are covered, and the prices are very accessible, but of course, one will not find the same level of service as in a private clinic in Europe. Sometimes it is necessary to go to Kolkata for more complicated exams, or in case of some serious emergency, which is uncomfortable, but still doable. There are two pharmacies, one in the hospital and another in Gaura Nagar (and a very small one inside the territory), but is also possible to buy medicines through Amazon.
Many are concerned about the climate. We hear that it is very hot in the summer and damp in the winter. Again, it depends on what we compare. It can be quite hot in the summer, but the temperatures are quite mild compared to Vrndavana or other parts of northern India. If you see a heat map if India you will see that most of the time Mayapur and Jagannatha Puri have much milder temperatures than the rest of the North. Temperatures can go up to 40 degrees Celsius (sometimes even 45 during the afternoons), but this extreme heat usually last for just two months, during April and May. Starting from June (sometimes a little earlier) the rains start and the temperatures drop. In January and part of February it is the time for cold, with the temperatures dropping to around 10°C. The rest of the time temperatures are quite comfortable.
Some are afraid of inundations. This used to be a problem in the past but nowadays is less common. In the last twenty years, there were only two major inundations: in 2006 and 2015. Now there are several dams during the course of the Ganges to prevent inundations and they work well most of the time. The issue is that when the levels exceed a certain limit the dams have to be opened to avoid damage, and that's what causes floods. When this happens, devotees in Mayapur receive a warning and the waters start raising after a few hours. At this point, each devotee has to decide between leaving Mayapur and staying somewhere else or staying for the entire duration of the flood (that lasts for one week or so). Practically all the apartments are built with this in mind, higher than the flood level, so there is no problem inside. Electricity and water supply also continue in most cases, it's possible to buy food and gas (although with difficulty) and even most internal roads remain usable. However, everything that is ground level (including the temple) stays under a meter of water. On the positive side, there are a lot of services to do, helping devotees who live on the ground level and need to relocate, as well as all the local people.
What about transportation? Nowadays there are rickshas everywhere, but the drivers almost always want to charge more to Westerns. Instead of 50 rupees most of the time, we are charged 100 rupees. It's up to you to judge how much of an inconvenience this is. As an alternative, one can just buy a scooter or an electric ricksha and gain independence. Many devotees prefer to just use a bicycle, which is a very ecological and low-cost alternative to both.
The main difficulties of living in Mayapur are connected with the festival season, in Kartika and Gaura Purnima when thousands of devotees come and most services become overloaded. Festivals are great because many sadhus visit and you can meet devotees from all over the world, but things become much more agitated. For one who wants to have peace to experience the holy dhama, it's better to consider coming from December to February, when everything is calmer.
For most devotees, visiting Mayapur annually and staying for a few months at a time is actually more recommendable than moving permanently, because when we do that we have the opportunity of seeing both the holy dhama and the material world, and gradually understand the difference between both.
When one suddenly comes to live in Mayapur and just abandons everything outside, he usually will keep a romanticized memory of his life in the material world, remembering things as better than they really are. When faced with difficulties living in Mayapur he may then consider just going back. However, when one has the opportunity of coming and going for a few years, there is the opportunity of comparing the two realities. One then starts to see the shortcoming of material life and gradually becomes more attracted to living in the holy dhama. After coming and going for some time and understanding well what to expect, one may finally be ready to move for good.
Sri Dham Mayapur is our city, so to say, a city of devotees where we have the opportunity of creating a Vaishnava society that may offer an alternative for all the souls looking for shelter. Problems exist on many levels, but each of us has the opportunity of offering his contribution. When we come to the holy dhama with a consumer mentality it is easy to notice all the small inconveniences, but when we come with an attitude of service such difficulties become much smaller.
(From Caitanya Chandra Das on Facebook)
2023.05.10 20:29 Ok_Ambassador8501 Ideas that might improve not just work/life balance and morale but also customer experience.... and go
I've thought for a while now that CVS should do what Walmart, Meijer, Kroger and other large chain stores do (not like they don't have the money... they're just to concerned with acquiring new companies and monopolizing the medical field) We'll use my store as an example...FS is open 8am-10pm daily RX is open 9am-7pm Monday-Friday, 9am-6pm on Saturday and 11am -5pm on Sunday...
Create shift work literally... keep open hours the same... have a team of 2 in at 6am for both RX and FS and until each area is open to the public concentrate on things like filing scripts, prepping for deliveries (RX) etc... and FS manager in back office getting back office work completed (email hub planner etc...) then moves onto CFR activities, while cashier concentrates on cleaning and straightening the sales floor and preps for opening. Once open 1 more FS colleague joins at opening (RX has a change over but isn't open for another hour or two) during opening hours we simply concentrate on customer service, Photo, Bopis and SfS. At 9am RX opens 2 more techs join and they continue to do their work. At 2-2:30pm there's a shift change for those of use who came in at 6am. Rx closes but the team stays on until 10pm gates down so that they can get caught up and clean etc... between 10-10:30pm final shift change. The entire store is closed... two man teams in FS and RX... FS works on things such as PWs, RFCs, Damages, Outdates, Planograms, stocking the sales floor and running truck. Shifts running with opening hours continue where overnights left off (completing a Plano or disco merch pulls, out dates etc... and cleaning bathrooms breakrooms stock room etc... but having the over night team that does the hidden parts of the job will free up those who work during store hours for BOPIS, SfS, Photo Orders, UPS and most importantly customer service... And weekends.... mid shift on saturday roughly 2-3 hours prior to closing time pull the old sales tags. At closing time over night crew gets the sales floor tagged uninterrupted. Opening on Sunday morning store is fully tagged, sales floor stocked (morning crew stocks and cleans ) and generally clean the store. No more preferential treatment for Pharmacy staff... we all have loves and families outside of work. If the RX is reducing hours or closing for a holiday etc... then the front store should be given the same respect. If CVS only treated all of their employees the same way they might see happier employees and employees who wouldn't have an issue with helping a different area of the store (RX to FS and FS to RX) if they reinvested into their employees with better wages, more work/life balance, equal treatment for everyone one not just specific teams. Corporate keeps preaching ONE STORE ONE TEAM well part of that approach is treating us as ONE STORE ONE TEAM not using that line on us when it benefits them and their agendas... they have all this money for retreats, private concerts and acquisitions new medical companies but they don't have the money to invest is up to date tech (how about those stone aged registers still running on IMB 1998-2002 memory and software... ) if they'd update and replace old tech with current tech rather than sending someone out to fix it every other day they'd save more money on purchasing new and up to date equipment then they spend on maintaining and repairing or reprogramming the old shit...I mean wow a lot of our equipment is older than our most recent round of new hires... lol
CVS is the very definition of insanity... they keep fixing the same problems over and over again hoping for a different outcome...
Bottom line if they reinvested into proper training, fully staffing, updating and replacing dated equipment, positive work/life balance for everyone, treating all their employees the same, evenly distributing the work load and not understaffing and budget cuts for hours, better pay, vacations that we can take when we want to, cheaper benefits, celebrating store teams etc.... they might find themselves on top of the medical field because gasp ... they have next to no turn over rate, valued employees, appreciated employees, competitive pay, benefits and work/life balance for all... now rather than customers changing pharmacies because the staff at CVS is stretched to thin, people will be fighting to come to our stores why, because the atmosphere is better, kinder, less stressed out. The employees are happy and not overworked.
Kind of like that saying "happy wife, happy life" well kinda goes for retail or any job for that matter... "happy employees, better profit margins, better reviews, more recommendations, more customers.... which equals more money for employees and for the company as a whole" But this is CVS and they don't look at it like that... because cutting costs, cutting hours and a constant employee turnover leading to new hires and training is more cost effective then retaining the employees they currently have who know their customers, their jobs and their communities... let's just spend hundreds more on replacing and training then retaining and respecting pur current staff...
submitted by Ok_Ambassador8501 to CVS [link] [comments]
Create shift work literally... keep open hours the same... have a team of 2 in at 6am for both RX and FS and until each area is open to the public concentrate on things like filing scripts, prepping for deliveries (RX) etc... and FS manager in back office getting back office work completed (email hub planner etc...) then moves onto CFR activities, while cashier concentrates on cleaning and straightening the sales floor and preps for opening. Once open 1 more FS colleague joins at opening (RX has a change over but isn't open for another hour or two) during opening hours we simply concentrate on customer service, Photo, Bopis and SfS. At 9am RX opens 2 more techs join and they continue to do their work. At 2-2:30pm there's a shift change for those of use who came in at 6am. Rx closes but the team stays on until 10pm gates down so that they can get caught up and clean etc... between 10-10:30pm final shift change. The entire store is closed... two man teams in FS and RX... FS works on things such as PWs, RFCs, Damages, Outdates, Planograms, stocking the sales floor and running truck. Shifts running with opening hours continue where overnights left off (completing a Plano or disco merch pulls, out dates etc... and cleaning bathrooms breakrooms stock room etc... but having the over night team that does the hidden parts of the job will free up those who work during store hours for BOPIS, SfS, Photo Orders, UPS and most importantly customer service... And weekends.... mid shift on saturday roughly 2-3 hours prior to closing time pull the old sales tags. At closing time over night crew gets the sales floor tagged uninterrupted. Opening on Sunday morning store is fully tagged, sales floor stocked (morning crew stocks and cleans ) and generally clean the store. No more preferential treatment for Pharmacy staff... we all have loves and families outside of work. If the RX is reducing hours or closing for a holiday etc... then the front store should be given the same respect. If CVS only treated all of their employees the same way they might see happier employees and employees who wouldn't have an issue with helping a different area of the store (RX to FS and FS to RX) if they reinvested into their employees with better wages, more work/life balance, equal treatment for everyone one not just specific teams. Corporate keeps preaching ONE STORE ONE TEAM well part of that approach is treating us as ONE STORE ONE TEAM not using that line on us when it benefits them and their agendas... they have all this money for retreats, private concerts and acquisitions new medical companies but they don't have the money to invest is up to date tech (how about those stone aged registers still running on IMB 1998-2002 memory and software... ) if they'd update and replace old tech with current tech rather than sending someone out to fix it every other day they'd save more money on purchasing new and up to date equipment then they spend on maintaining and repairing or reprogramming the old shit...I mean wow a lot of our equipment is older than our most recent round of new hires... lol
CVS is the very definition of insanity... they keep fixing the same problems over and over again hoping for a different outcome...
Bottom line if they reinvested into proper training, fully staffing, updating and replacing dated equipment, positive work/life balance for everyone, treating all their employees the same, evenly distributing the work load and not understaffing and budget cuts for hours, better pay, vacations that we can take when we want to, cheaper benefits, celebrating store teams etc.... they might find themselves on top of the medical field because gasp ... they have next to no turn over rate, valued employees, appreciated employees, competitive pay, benefits and work/life balance for all... now rather than customers changing pharmacies because the staff at CVS is stretched to thin, people will be fighting to come to our stores why, because the atmosphere is better, kinder, less stressed out. The employees are happy and not overworked.
Kind of like that saying "happy wife, happy life" well kinda goes for retail or any job for that matter... "happy employees, better profit margins, better reviews, more recommendations, more customers.... which equals more money for employees and for the company as a whole" But this is CVS and they don't look at it like that... because cutting costs, cutting hours and a constant employee turnover leading to new hires and training is more cost effective then retaining the employees they currently have who know their customers, their jobs and their communities... let's just spend hundreds more on replacing and training then retaining and respecting pur current staff...
2023.05.08 17:06 just-read1ng Newsletter 1 - APRIL 2023 Part 2
here is part 2 of the newsletter - so much news in the industry
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/walmart-harris-teeter-new-employee-benefits-mental-health-paid-parental-leave/647676/
With violence prevention a top-of-mind area for grocers and with incidents in the U.S. becoming more frequent, Walmart’s mental health initiative will teach leaders and managers how to best handle a situation involving an employee struggling with behavioral health issues, according to a recent Forbes article.
The “Workplace Mental Health course” will be overseen and run by Lyra Health, a company focused on improving mental health treatment access, Forbes reported.
Bolstering mental health support comes a few months after an in-store mass shooting in Chesapeake, Virginia, that killed six people. Walmart is facing three lawsuits from survivors, who are all employees, that outline inappropriate and concerning workplace behavior by the shooter, who was a Walmart team lead.
This is not the first time the retail giant has worked to improve its mental health support. In May 2021, Walmart began offering all its U.S. store associates as well as their families up to 10 free counseling sessions.
Only a few days after Walmart rolled out its mental health initiative, Harris Teeter began offering a new paid parental leave policy to all of its full-time associates. This updated benefit provides parents with four weeks of paid parental leave within the first 12 months after the birth or adoption of a child, according to the company’s announcement.
The grocer notes that this benefit builds off its existing benefits program, which provides health care, paid time off and education assistance as well as profit-sharing benefits.
More grocery employees are pushing for better worker benefits from their employers. Numerous Trader Joe’s locations over the last few months have unionized and held votes for unionization while Cub Foods workers averted a strike after a “historic” contract win last week, giving them an hourly raise and the creation of a “landmark” safety committee.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/trader-joes-associates-california-new-york-to-vote-on-unionizing/647805/
Workers at a duo of Trader Joe’s stores in New York City and Oakland, California, are scheduled to cast ballots on April 19 and 20 to determine whether to unionize, according to a Thursday tweet from Trader Joe’s United, the labor organization looking to represent the workers.
The announcement follows the union’s disclosure late last month that the workers had filed plans with the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) to hold the elections and continues a drive by Trader Joe’s United to add to its small but growing membership. The union has said Trader Joe’s has mistreated workers by cutting retirement benefits, providing unacceptably low wages and not responding effectively to safety concerns.
Each of the two Trader Joe’s locations where workers are set to vote on unionizing this week would become the first store in its market to unionize if its associates decide to join Trader Joe’s United. Workers at the Oakland store recently filed unfair labor practices claiming that Trader Joe’s has attempted to interfere in their efforts to organize and threatened to take action against them, SFGate reported last week.
If the workers in New York City and Oakland decide to unionize, they would follow Trader Joe’s employees at stores in Hadley, Massachusetts; Minneapolis; and Louisville, Kentucky, in electing to formally organize. The grocery chain filed an objection to the Louisville vote with the NLRB, claiming that workers and an attorney for the union had tainted the vote.
Last October, Trader Joe’s workers at a store in the New York borough of Brooklyn voted not to join Trader Joe’s United, making the store the first — and so far only — in the California-based chain where workers have formally rejected an effort to unionize them.
Earlier in 2022, employees in Boulder, Colorado, withdrew a petition for a vote on unionization they had filed with the NLRB.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/asset-protections-evolving-grocery/647258/
Once focused mainly on loss prevention, asset protection has taken on a broader range of potential threats and issues for grocers, with that shift accelerating during the pandemic, according to the Food Industry Association.
In some cases, grocers’ asset protection teams are working more closely with operations teams to reduce shrink beyond theft, said Doug Baker, vice president of industry relations at FMI. Disasters, such as fires and floods, civil unrest and cyberattacks, are blending into the realm of asset protection.
“One of the things I’m starting to see is not only this move from loss prevention to asset protection but this idea that risk management is the umbrella under which all of these security-type positions fall,” Baker said.
This shift to concentrate on the holistic protection of people, profits, property and brand has sped up as heightened stress brought on by the pandemic has increased the risk for violence. In addition, felony theft thresholds increased in dozens of states prior to the pandemic.
A new Asset Protection in Food Retail report from FMI, along with interviews with vice presidents of the trade group, shed more light on how the role of asset protection is changing within the grocery industry and some of the noteworthy areas grocers should focus on when it comes to boosting safety and reducing liabilities.
Store items are not typically stolen because of their dollar value, but rather for their ability to be resold, FMI noted.
The report, which was prepared by David Orgel Consulting LLC, was based on an FMI asset protection survey in January taken by 24 companies, which represent more than 5,400 stores, and executive interviews.
ORC thieves are the main culprits lifting goods in departments of major concern. Grocery stores are especially targeted for this kind of theft because they are open to the public, accessible and a central point in communities, Baker said.
Preventing theft of general merchandise as well as health and beauty care products is a top concern area for 79% of surveyed respondents, according to the FMI report. Seventy percent said keeping meat secure is a top concern, while 68% indicated that protecting center store merchandise from theft is a key source of worry.
Departments of lesser focus are prepared foods/deli, which 23% of respondents cited as a major concern, produce (22%) and frozen foods (14%).
Certain areas of the store also were cited as needing to be watched because they attract crime. Surveyed respondents said they focus heavily on the outer perimeter and parking lot as well as checkout areas. Behind the scenes, grocery stores’ receiving and front end, generator and electrical rooms as well as the cash office must be monitored closely.
Many grocers have enlisted the help of third-party companies to help combat theft if they do not have the bandwidth to build those teams internally, Baker said. This help comes in the form of anti-theft technology as well as professional investigators.
Asset protection professionals brought on by grocers can specialize in specific areas — for example, ORC investigators are hired to detect specific theft patterns, build case files and work with local law enforcement and prosecution — but overall, these professionals oversee “customer-facing and non-customer-facing” sections of the store.
The most commonly used theft deterrents include video monitors, which 100% of retailers said they use, security/guards (90%) and locked cases (79%), according to the report. FMI noted, however, that retailers must “weigh the need for security against the importance of having a pleasing in-store customer experience.”
Typically, these security systems come from partnerships grocers establish with third-party companies. For example, Indyme, a software company that specializes in anti-theft technology, has partnered with a number of grocers to install anti-theft display cases, speakers and camera systems meant to deter and catch shoplifters.
Alto, a company that focuses on reducing retail theft, also helps retailers with establishing ORC teams, which see through prosecution of ORC suspects — an area 60% of retailers said deserves further attention in 2023, according to FMI’s report.
“Stealing food is not going to rank very high on the list from a police officer if they're dealing with something that is a matter of life and death,” Baker said. “So, the importance to be able to hand law enforcement, hand lawyers and prosecutors a case that’s got all of the information that is needed in order to be able to prosecute it, is where the industry is starting to move.”
FMI is stepping up as a third-party resource for grocers with its Asset Protection Council. The council is made up of senior-level asset protection executives from food retailers and wholesalers. In addition, a Risk and Safety Council plans education and networking events for food retail risk and safety professionals as well as provides guidance on risk management and safety issues. The two councils, which meet virally and share ideas, have been working to standardize nomenclature around asset protection, Baker said.
FMI’s annual Asset Protection and Grocery Resilience Conference helps connect retailers with solution providers, Baker said. For this year’s conference, FMI made a concerted effort for the first time to invite CPG companies, which can provide a global perspective that grocers often don’t have, Baker said, noting FMI plans to invite emergency managers to next year’s conference.
Weapons detection software and facial matching technology are on FMI’s radar as new technologies to boost asset protection, Baker said. While facial recognition has raised concerns from the general public around privacy and other issues, he said that facial matching is more tailored so that the technology is only checking if shoppers’ faces match with those in a database of “known bad actors.”
Checkout is one area ripe for tech innovation as grocers look to balance offering convenient customer experiences and reducing vulnerability to theft, FMI noted.
“You’ll probably continue to see the use of artificial intelligence and computer vision as a way of checking out as the technology continues to improve and is able to scale,” Baker said, noting they likely will be supplemental to registers and self-checkout stations.
Wheel-locking mechanisms on shopping carts — which can be low- or high-tech depending on the solution — can deter ORC. “It seems very basic, but it’s so important because if you can stop [thieves] before they get too far away from the door, you have a better chance of getting that product back,” Baker said.
Validating new options to determine how effective they are is one of the key areas food retailers flagged as they want FMI and the industry to help with, per FMI’s report.
To help address that, FMI is in the “pilot” phase of launching a technology directory that will allow its members to sort and filter for providers in different categories, like asset protection and security, to potentially partner with, Baker said.
The directory will cover technology in “any functional area of the industry” that might be needed including supply chain, manufacturing, private brands, asset protection, customer engagement, loyalty, front-end systems and back-end systems, Baker said.
As data and analytics play a larger role in grocers’ asset protection strategies, FMI’s report highlighted a little-mentioned area of loss prevention: internal theft.
A majority of surveyed food retailers (98%) cited internal theft as a top metric they measure, followed by shrink, workers’ compensation claims, theft and spoiled food loss.
Internal theft can not only refer to store employees but also to business partners, such as a third-party delivery courier, who have access to a grocer’s backroom. Workers can either steal themselves or get help from a friend, family member or significant other, Baker said.
Baker said the high percentage for internal theft measuring isn’t surprising. “Retailers want to control what they can control because there's plenty that they can't control and so managing inside their four walls, starting with their own staff and their trading partners remains really high on that chart.”
Keeping an eye on backrooms and making sure that only authorized personnel are there can help grocers reduce internal theft, Baker said.
As asset protection has broadened beyond theft, grocers have a more varied list of areas they want to address and bolster, per FMI’s survey.
In addition to 60% of grocers saying they want to expand prosecution/adjudication efforts, respondents also cited loss/theft at self-checkout and mobile scan-and-go (30%); ORC (28%); business continuity planning (22%); and active assailant preparedness (17%) as areas of further opportunity in their 2023 planning.
FMI noted that violence de-escalation — an element present in ORC as well as active assailants — is also a key area for focus for grocers.
Federal law is where grocers are hoping ORC efforts will continue to expand as newly proposed legislation has been introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives and U.S. Senate that would address grocers’ concerns for lack of prosecution.
“This is a tremendous issue that has been going on and it seems to have ramped up a lot,” said Christine Pollack, vice president of government relations at FMI, regarding ORC crimes and violence. “And so there’s a heightened awareness on Capitol Hill for legislation to tackle this problem. This is a good bill, we support it.”
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/private-brand-sales-shine-first-quarte647495/
The takeaway from PLMA’s new report is that private brand sales continue to outpace national brands by a long shot.
Fifteen of the 17 food and non-food departments that Circana tracks showed store brand dollar sales increases in Q1, with double-digit achievers led by beverages (17.1%), bakery (16.8%), general food (16%) and refrigerated (15.5%). Floral, deli-prepared foods and health care saw smaller double-digit increases.
Deli cheese, general merchandise, beauty, frozen foods, produce, deli meat, liquor and health products had smaller increases. Only tobacco and meat recorded a sales decline, at 11.8% and 1.6%, respectively.
For unit sales, six departments improved, led by floral (5%), deli-prepared (2.1%) and bakery (1.8%). The final three were general merchandise, produce and liquor.
Store brands, food and non-food combined, showed market shares gain with dollar share rising to 19.1% and unit share advancing to 20.8% in Q1, up from the same time a year ago of 18.5% and 20.3%, respectively.
Store brands overall also performed better than national brands in unit sales. While unit sales dropped last year, store brands experienced a smaller dip than national brands, PLMA noted, with a similar gap in Q1. PLMA stated this product disparity is due to consumers switching from national brands to store brands.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/grocery-tv-looks-to-bigger-screens-to-grab-shoppers-attention/647534/
The new screens are designed to be easily noticed by shoppers as they walk through aisles, pass through the front perimeter or stand in line to check out, making ads visible multiple times during a single store visit, according to Grocery TV.
The company said it intends to install the screens in more stores where it provides advertising services but did not provide details about when or where it plans to place the additional screens.
Grocery TV is making the front-end displays accessible to programmatic advertising systems, which allow marketers to use software to automatically place messages in front of audiences they want to target. The company already uses that approach to allow advertisers to buy space elsewhere on its network.
The announcement follows Grocery TV’s January purchase of Mediaworks Advertising Solutions, which provides sanitizing-wipe dispensers equipped with 32-inch advertising displays for use at store entrances. Mediaworks has struck deals to put the units in stores run by grocery chains, including Schnuck Markets, Cub and Lunds & Byerlys.
In a blog post earlier this year, Grocery TV said it expects to expand its media network to all key store areas, including service departments, pharmacies and center store aisles by the end of 2023.
Grocery TV’s addition of the new screens to its array of devices designed to present advertising to shoppers comes as food retailers move to generate advertising revenue from CPGs and other marketers. Major grocers, such as Ahold Delhaize, Kroger and Albertsons, have launched their own media firms to work with brands interested in reaching the customers’ shoppers, while other companies like Cooler Screens have partnered with retailers to display advertising on screens in stores.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/canada-proposes-one-time-grocery-rebates-to-help-offset-inflation/647647/
In the face of high inflation, the Canadian government is looking to offer one-time grocery rebates to help make food more affordable, per a Thursday announcement from the office of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
The rebate, which is part of the federal government’s proposed 2023 budget, would help about 11 million “low- and modest-income” Canadians with a one-time payment that varies based on eligibility.
The rebate is structured to provide, on average, up to:
The proposal aims to support people “hardest hit by rising food prices” and is part of other measures, such as ones targeting predatory lending and lowering credit card transaction fees for small businesses, in the budget that would boost affordability for Canadians, per the press release.
“With grocery prices on the rise, we’re putting more money back into the pockets of Canadians who need it most, when they need it most,” Trudeau said in a statement. “The new Grocery Rebate, and the other measures we’ve put forward in Budget 2023, will help build an economy that works for everyone, where every Canadian family can afford to put food on the table.”
Trudeau positioned the rebate as a part of broader efforts by the Canadian government to invest in the middle class, grow the country’s economy and improve affordability.
Earlier this week, Trudeau visited Sherwood Co-op in Regina, Saskatchewan, to talk about the grocery rebate, per a local news report.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/the-friday-checkout-fresh-grocery-gaps-black-neighborhoods/647670/
The Friday Checkout is a weekly column providing more insight on the news, rounding up the announcements you may have missed and sharing what’s to come.
In looking to address food insecurity, some companies and organizations, like Instacart, have touted that expanded access to affordable e-commerce services can help residents. But a new report from the Brookings Institution aims to flesh out the “deeper and more fundamental problem” of devaluation and disinvestment fueling grocery disparities.
Across 10 metro areas analyzed, Brookings found that Black-majority block groups across four income quartiles had a lower chance of being within one mile of a premium grocery store than block groups in each of those metro areas overall. Seven of the metro areas studied had no premium grocery stores within a mile of Black-majority, high-income neighborhoods.
Meanwhile, Brookings found an overall trend of more dollar stores in Black-majority neighborhoods, but noted that the patterns in each metro area varied depending on factors like income. Areas with dollar stores tend to have a cluster of them than just one, which makes it harder for grocery stores and other small businesses to compete, per the report, which was co-authored by Research Assistant DW Rowlands, Senior Research Associate Manann Donoghoe and Senior Fellow Andre M. Perry.
Brookings did not shy away from exploring how dollar stores can harm communities: “While dollar stores can fill a need in low-income neighborhoods, they are often regarded as predatory businesses that harm communities more than they benefit them, due to very low wages, displacing other grocery options while failing to sell fresh food, store design that increases the rate of armed robberies, and OSHA and FDA violations that put customers and employees at risk.”
The report, which presumed that store type can signal economic value in a specific area, said that the prevalence of dollar stores and shortage of premium grocery stores in Black-majority neighborhoods tie into a wider problem of devaluation and underinvestment in Black communities.
People in Englewood, a predominantly Black and lower-income neighborhood in Chicago, have made similar claims in the wake of Whole Foods Market’s controversial exit last fall from the community and subsequent plans to replace the Amazon-owned premium grocer with a Save A Lot.
"When people think of Save A Lot, they cringe. So when that banner went up, people were up in arms. I cannot believe we would go from one extreme to the next," Asiaha Butler with the Residents Association of Greater Englewood told NBC Chicago.
To break out of the larger problem of devaluation and underinvestment, grocers will likely need to unite with local communities and developers to not just help their business succeed, but to also spur further investment. Locally owned stores may be a key answer, per Brookings, which noted that two local chains, Yes! Organics Market and Mom’s Organic Market in Washington, D.C., have a smaller racial disparity.
“[It may] be evidence that locally owned stores are less likely to undervalue Black neighborhoods than national chains with less familiarity with the areas where they operate,” the report said.
Albertsons links online health tool with Apple Watch
Albertsons said Thursday it is working with Apple to allow shoppers enrolled in the grocer’s newly launched Sincerely Health program who have an Apple Watch to earn points redeemable for grocery purchases for meeting their daily activity goals with the device.
Sincerely Health participants who opt to share their Apple Watch activity data with the platform will receive up to 75 points per day for closing the Move, Exercise and Stand Activity rings, while shoppers who have an iPhone but don’t have an Apple Watch can earn up to 25 points per day for closing the Move ring using the Fitness app.
Women winemakers to visit Save Mart and Lucky stores
Women vintners at a range of California wine brands will appear at tastings at select grocery stores run by The Save Mart Companies, the grocer announced Thursday. The winemakers, who represent brands including Apothic, Chandon, Joel Gott, Oak Ridge and Petaluma, will appear at numerous Save Mart and Lucky locations in California's San Francisco Bay Area and Central Valley regions from April 14 to April 23 as part of the retailer’s “Women in Wine” series.
Cub Foods workers ratify contract
Employees for the Minnesota grocery chain have approved a two-year contract, avoiding a strike that was set to start last Friday, according to a Tuesday announcement from United Food and Commercial Workers (UFCW) Local 663, which represents the workers. The deal, which the union struck with Cub Foods earlier this month, includes raises that average between $2.50 and $3.50 per hour.
That’s the annual rate of grocery inflation the U.S. economy recorded in March, continuing a string of declines in the key metric that began last year following a historic run-up, the federal government announced this week. The 8.4% level of food-at-home inflation last month represents the first time grocery prices rose more slowly than restaurant prices on an annual basis since mid-2021, CNBC noted.
Did you still believe you need a car or even a cart to carry all your groceries home? Think again. Earlier this week, this individual went viral on TikTok and is now all over Twitter for strapping groceries to a specially made vest and belt and then riding away on an electric scooter, carrying roughly a dozen grocery bags as well as a watermelon.
Man picks up Groceries on Scooter ????! pic.twitter.com/puuu4geChZ
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/grocery-inflation-drops-again-march-2023/647437/
Grocery prices and overall inflation continued to drop in March after hitting multi-decade highs last year.
In March 2022, food-at-home prices shot up at a 10% annual rate while overall inflation for that month reached 8.5%. Those figures climbed even higher as 2022 progressed.
In total, three of the six major grocery store food group indexes posted month-to-month decreases last month. The index for meats, poultry, fish and eggs decreased 1.4% in March compared to the month before, with the index for eggs, specifically, dropping 10.9%, per the BLS. Prices for fruits and vegetables declined 1.3%, while dairy and dairy-related product prices decreased 0.1%.
Meanwhile, prices for cereals and bakery products increased 0.6% compared to February, and nonalcoholic beverage prices rose 0.2%.
The index for shelter, which was the main contributor to overall inflation in March, offset a decline in the energy index, per the BLS.
Industry followers have said they expect food prices and inflation to taper but remain high this year.
“I really think and hope that we’re on track towards much more normal year-over-year food price inflation going into 2024,” Dr. Ricky Volpe, associate professor of agribusiness at Cal Poly, said last month following the release of the February CPI. “I don’t think we’ll hit it this year, but maybe next year.”
Volpe stressed that while certain commodity cost increases have been abating in recent months, it might take a while for those decrease to reach consumers.
Executives from several top grocers and retailers who sell food told their investors earlier this year that they are expecting the pace of price increases to decelerate considerably as this year continues.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/moodys-food-retailers-well-positioned-to-handle-snap-revenue-loss/647133/
SNAP benefits accounted for roughly 12% of food and beverage sales in 2022, per data from the Department of Commerce cited by Moody’s. The Center on Budget and Policy Priorities estimated that SNAP spending would fall by $3 billion per month starting in March — a more than 25% reduction — due to the temporary pandemic-related boost to SNAP benefits nationwide.
“The loss of emergency benefits comes at a particularly stressful time for consumers, who are already facing rising costs for basic needs, especially food, as the US economy slows and food inflation stays stubbornly high,” Moody’s noted.
Grocers will be the bright spot as the broader retail sector faces a negative outlook with the lowered SNAP benefit amounts, Moody’s reported.
“Since lower income consumers have a fixed amount of disposable income they will have to fill in the gap of lower SNAP benefits by spending a larger part of their income on food while spending less on other retail categories,” Moody’s noted. “This shift will cause an overall compression in margins for the retail sector as food has lower profit margins compared to other merchandise.”
Retailers like Walmart, which Moody’s estimated has an annual SNAP sales average that tops $20 billion, likely will see their margins continue to face pressure as higher food sales steal spend from other merchandise.
Grocers, on the other hand, can expect a sales increase between 3% to 4%, mainly due to higher prices, and a roughly 1% boost to their earnings this year, with trade downs to higher margin private label offset by higher labor and occupancy costs, per Moody’s estimates.
The firm noted the rise of SNAP online purchasing and recent improvements to private label have helped grocers appeal to SNAP participants and stand out from their competitors. Private label that offers consumers less expensive alternatives likely will remain key to attracting consumer seeking to lower their grocery bills, according to Moody’s. Many grocers also have repaid debts and strengthened their balance sheets, improving their financial standings, the report noted.
Grocers continue to benefit from the at-home eating trend that ramped up due to COVID-19-related health concerns and restrictions and now has pivoted into a cost-saving measure amid high food inflation and higher costs of dining out. The ongoing popularity of hybrid work and high inflation steering consumers to focus on food and other essentials instead of discretionary spending are also factors in grocers’ favor, according to Moody’s.
Meanwhile, SNAP participants received a 12.5% cost-of-living adjustment in October to help offset inflation, Moody’s noted, adding that will not fully cover the loss of emergency SNAP benefits for food retailers but will ease revenue losses.
Along with predictions on the impact the end of the emergency SNAP allotments will have on sales in the retail sector, the Moody’s report also delved into how SNAP participants spend their benefits. Roughly 40% redeem their benefits at traditional supermarkets, while 53% shop at superstores and 6% at convenience stores, per USDA data cited in the report.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/online-grocery-sales-sag-march-rising-costs-squeeze-shoppers/647422/
The findings from Brick Meets Click and Mercatus make clear that rising prices are having a strong effect on grocery e-commerce trends across the board, with people’s income playing a central role in determining their online shopping behavior.
Forty-four percent of households that placed an online grocery order for pickup or delivery from a grocery or mass merchant said the most important factor in determining the service they used was “not paying more than necessary,” according to the report, which is based on a survey of 1,742 adults the firms conducted on March 30 and March 31.
Shoppers with annual household incomes below $50,000 were 34% more likely to opt for pickup, while households earning more than $200,000 per year were twice as likely to have their order delivered, David Bishop, a partner at Brick Meets Click, said in a statement. Lower-income shoppers are especially drawn to pickup because the channel is less expensive than delivery, Bishop said.
The recent elimination of emergency SNAP benefits — provided to participants in the government-sponsored nutrition program in response to the COVID-19 pandemic — likely played a role in causing interest in pickup to decline more rapidly than it did for delivery, Brick Meets Click and Mercatus noted.
The firms also reported that the likelihood that a shopper who places an online grocery order will place another order with the same retailer during the ensuing 30 days, known as a repeat intent score, declined by nearly 3 percentage points in March compared with the same month in 2022. First-time shoppers and those in lower-income groups tended to have lower repeat intent scores than people who placed four or more online orders during the prior three months or were more affluent, according to the data.
Monthly order frequency, a key measure of people’s interest in using digital channels to buy groceries, declined in March to 2.42 — its lowest level since the onset of the pandemic in March 2020. In a reflection of the lasting impact the public health crisis has had on the grocery industry, however, that figure was still almost 20% above its pre-pandemic level.
The drop in monthly order frequency was larger among traditional grocers than it was for mass retailers like Walmart and Target, which have been grabbing market share in the online grocery space.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/Downtown-San-Francisco-Whole-Foods-Market-closes-citing-safety-concerns/647436/
The Whole Foods Market Trinity store in downtown San Francisco has closed its doors to “ensure the safety of our Team Members,” a spokesperson for the specialty grocer said in an emailed statement Tuesday.
The spokesperson noted all staff will be transferred to other nearby locations after making the “difficult decision to close the Trinity store for the time being.” The grocer did not say if or when the store would reopen, but that it will evaluate reopening if the safety of employees can be ensured.
The 64,737-square-foot flagship store, located at Eighth and Market streets in the city’s Mid-Market neighborhood, closed its doors on April 11, a little over a year after opening in March 2022.
Reports from The San Francisco Standard cited “deteriorating street conditions” including drug use and crime as reasons for the Whole Foods closing. The local news source also reported the Trinity location cut back on operating hours due to “high theft and hostile people” in October and a month later had to limit restroom access after syringes and drug pipes were found inside.
Other national retailers have taken similar measures to protect the safety of employees. In July 2022, Starbucks said it would permanently close 16 stores due to safety issues. Six of those were in the Los Angeles area; another six in Seattle; two in Portland, Oregon; one in Philadelphia; and one in Washington, D.C., sister publication Restaurant Dive reported.
The coffee shop chain giant did not go into specifics surrounding incident reports and employee feedback regarding the 16 stores that closed. However, Starbucks had previously noted safety issues related to its open restrooms.
submitted by just-read1ng to egrocery [link] [comments]
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/walmart-harris-teeter-new-employee-benefits-mental-health-paid-parental-leave/647676/
With violence prevention a top-of-mind area for grocers and with incidents in the U.S. becoming more frequent, Walmart’s mental health initiative will teach leaders and managers how to best handle a situation involving an employee struggling with behavioral health issues, according to a recent Forbes article.
The “Workplace Mental Health course” will be overseen and run by Lyra Health, a company focused on improving mental health treatment access, Forbes reported.
Bolstering mental health support comes a few months after an in-store mass shooting in Chesapeake, Virginia, that killed six people. Walmart is facing three lawsuits from survivors, who are all employees, that outline inappropriate and concerning workplace behavior by the shooter, who was a Walmart team lead.
This is not the first time the retail giant has worked to improve its mental health support. In May 2021, Walmart began offering all its U.S. store associates as well as their families up to 10 free counseling sessions.
Only a few days after Walmart rolled out its mental health initiative, Harris Teeter began offering a new paid parental leave policy to all of its full-time associates. This updated benefit provides parents with four weeks of paid parental leave within the first 12 months after the birth or adoption of a child, according to the company’s announcement.
The grocer notes that this benefit builds off its existing benefits program, which provides health care, paid time off and education assistance as well as profit-sharing benefits.
More grocery employees are pushing for better worker benefits from their employers. Numerous Trader Joe’s locations over the last few months have unionized and held votes for unionization while Cub Foods workers averted a strike after a “historic” contract win last week, giving them an hourly raise and the creation of a “landmark” safety committee.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/trader-joes-associates-california-new-york-to-vote-on-unionizing/647805/
Workers at a duo of Trader Joe’s stores in New York City and Oakland, California, are scheduled to cast ballots on April 19 and 20 to determine whether to unionize, according to a Thursday tweet from Trader Joe’s United, the labor organization looking to represent the workers.
The announcement follows the union’s disclosure late last month that the workers had filed plans with the National Labor Relations Board (NLRB) to hold the elections and continues a drive by Trader Joe’s United to add to its small but growing membership. The union has said Trader Joe’s has mistreated workers by cutting retirement benefits, providing unacceptably low wages and not responding effectively to safety concerns.
Each of the two Trader Joe’s locations where workers are set to vote on unionizing this week would become the first store in its market to unionize if its associates decide to join Trader Joe’s United. Workers at the Oakland store recently filed unfair labor practices claiming that Trader Joe’s has attempted to interfere in their efforts to organize and threatened to take action against them, SFGate reported last week.
If the workers in New York City and Oakland decide to unionize, they would follow Trader Joe’s employees at stores in Hadley, Massachusetts; Minneapolis; and Louisville, Kentucky, in electing to formally organize. The grocery chain filed an objection to the Louisville vote with the NLRB, claiming that workers and an attorney for the union had tainted the vote.
Last October, Trader Joe’s workers at a store in the New York borough of Brooklyn voted not to join Trader Joe’s United, making the store the first — and so far only — in the California-based chain where workers have formally rejected an effort to unionize them.
Earlier in 2022, employees in Boulder, Colorado, withdrew a petition for a vote on unionization they had filed with the NLRB.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/asset-protections-evolving-grocery/647258/
Once focused mainly on loss prevention, asset protection has taken on a broader range of potential threats and issues for grocers, with that shift accelerating during the pandemic, according to the Food Industry Association.
In some cases, grocers’ asset protection teams are working more closely with operations teams to reduce shrink beyond theft, said Doug Baker, vice president of industry relations at FMI. Disasters, such as fires and floods, civil unrest and cyberattacks, are blending into the realm of asset protection.
“One of the things I’m starting to see is not only this move from loss prevention to asset protection but this idea that risk management is the umbrella under which all of these security-type positions fall,” Baker said.
This shift to concentrate on the holistic protection of people, profits, property and brand has sped up as heightened stress brought on by the pandemic has increased the risk for violence. In addition, felony theft thresholds increased in dozens of states prior to the pandemic.
A new Asset Protection in Food Retail report from FMI, along with interviews with vice presidents of the trade group, shed more light on how the role of asset protection is changing within the grocery industry and some of the noteworthy areas grocers should focus on when it comes to boosting safety and reducing liabilities.
Store items are not typically stolen because of their dollar value, but rather for their ability to be resold, FMI noted.
The report, which was prepared by David Orgel Consulting LLC, was based on an FMI asset protection survey in January taken by 24 companies, which represent more than 5,400 stores, and executive interviews.
ORC thieves are the main culprits lifting goods in departments of major concern. Grocery stores are especially targeted for this kind of theft because they are open to the public, accessible and a central point in communities, Baker said.
Preventing theft of general merchandise as well as health and beauty care products is a top concern area for 79% of surveyed respondents, according to the FMI report. Seventy percent said keeping meat secure is a top concern, while 68% indicated that protecting center store merchandise from theft is a key source of worry.
Departments of lesser focus are prepared foods/deli, which 23% of respondents cited as a major concern, produce (22%) and frozen foods (14%).
Certain areas of the store also were cited as needing to be watched because they attract crime. Surveyed respondents said they focus heavily on the outer perimeter and parking lot as well as checkout areas. Behind the scenes, grocery stores’ receiving and front end, generator and electrical rooms as well as the cash office must be monitored closely.
Many grocers have enlisted the help of third-party companies to help combat theft if they do not have the bandwidth to build those teams internally, Baker said. This help comes in the form of anti-theft technology as well as professional investigators.
Asset protection professionals brought on by grocers can specialize in specific areas — for example, ORC investigators are hired to detect specific theft patterns, build case files and work with local law enforcement and prosecution — but overall, these professionals oversee “customer-facing and non-customer-facing” sections of the store.
The most commonly used theft deterrents include video monitors, which 100% of retailers said they use, security/guards (90%) and locked cases (79%), according to the report. FMI noted, however, that retailers must “weigh the need for security against the importance of having a pleasing in-store customer experience.”
Typically, these security systems come from partnerships grocers establish with third-party companies. For example, Indyme, a software company that specializes in anti-theft technology, has partnered with a number of grocers to install anti-theft display cases, speakers and camera systems meant to deter and catch shoplifters.
Alto, a company that focuses on reducing retail theft, also helps retailers with establishing ORC teams, which see through prosecution of ORC suspects — an area 60% of retailers said deserves further attention in 2023, according to FMI’s report.
“Stealing food is not going to rank very high on the list from a police officer if they're dealing with something that is a matter of life and death,” Baker said. “So, the importance to be able to hand law enforcement, hand lawyers and prosecutors a case that’s got all of the information that is needed in order to be able to prosecute it, is where the industry is starting to move.”
FMI is stepping up as a third-party resource for grocers with its Asset Protection Council. The council is made up of senior-level asset protection executives from food retailers and wholesalers. In addition, a Risk and Safety Council plans education and networking events for food retail risk and safety professionals as well as provides guidance on risk management and safety issues. The two councils, which meet virally and share ideas, have been working to standardize nomenclature around asset protection, Baker said.
FMI’s annual Asset Protection and Grocery Resilience Conference helps connect retailers with solution providers, Baker said. For this year’s conference, FMI made a concerted effort for the first time to invite CPG companies, which can provide a global perspective that grocers often don’t have, Baker said, noting FMI plans to invite emergency managers to next year’s conference.
Weapons detection software and facial matching technology are on FMI’s radar as new technologies to boost asset protection, Baker said. While facial recognition has raised concerns from the general public around privacy and other issues, he said that facial matching is more tailored so that the technology is only checking if shoppers’ faces match with those in a database of “known bad actors.”
Checkout is one area ripe for tech innovation as grocers look to balance offering convenient customer experiences and reducing vulnerability to theft, FMI noted.
“You’ll probably continue to see the use of artificial intelligence and computer vision as a way of checking out as the technology continues to improve and is able to scale,” Baker said, noting they likely will be supplemental to registers and self-checkout stations.
Wheel-locking mechanisms on shopping carts — which can be low- or high-tech depending on the solution — can deter ORC. “It seems very basic, but it’s so important because if you can stop [thieves] before they get too far away from the door, you have a better chance of getting that product back,” Baker said.
Validating new options to determine how effective they are is one of the key areas food retailers flagged as they want FMI and the industry to help with, per FMI’s report.
To help address that, FMI is in the “pilot” phase of launching a technology directory that will allow its members to sort and filter for providers in different categories, like asset protection and security, to potentially partner with, Baker said.
The directory will cover technology in “any functional area of the industry” that might be needed including supply chain, manufacturing, private brands, asset protection, customer engagement, loyalty, front-end systems and back-end systems, Baker said.
As data and analytics play a larger role in grocers’ asset protection strategies, FMI’s report highlighted a little-mentioned area of loss prevention: internal theft.
A majority of surveyed food retailers (98%) cited internal theft as a top metric they measure, followed by shrink, workers’ compensation claims, theft and spoiled food loss.
Internal theft can not only refer to store employees but also to business partners, such as a third-party delivery courier, who have access to a grocer’s backroom. Workers can either steal themselves or get help from a friend, family member or significant other, Baker said.
Baker said the high percentage for internal theft measuring isn’t surprising. “Retailers want to control what they can control because there's plenty that they can't control and so managing inside their four walls, starting with their own staff and their trading partners remains really high on that chart.”
Keeping an eye on backrooms and making sure that only authorized personnel are there can help grocers reduce internal theft, Baker said.
As asset protection has broadened beyond theft, grocers have a more varied list of areas they want to address and bolster, per FMI’s survey.
In addition to 60% of grocers saying they want to expand prosecution/adjudication efforts, respondents also cited loss/theft at self-checkout and mobile scan-and-go (30%); ORC (28%); business continuity planning (22%); and active assailant preparedness (17%) as areas of further opportunity in their 2023 planning.
FMI noted that violence de-escalation — an element present in ORC as well as active assailants — is also a key area for focus for grocers.
Federal law is where grocers are hoping ORC efforts will continue to expand as newly proposed legislation has been introduced to the U.S. House of Representatives and U.S. Senate that would address grocers’ concerns for lack of prosecution.
“This is a tremendous issue that has been going on and it seems to have ramped up a lot,” said Christine Pollack, vice president of government relations at FMI, regarding ORC crimes and violence. “And so there’s a heightened awareness on Capitol Hill for legislation to tackle this problem. This is a good bill, we support it.”
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/private-brand-sales-shine-first-quarte647495/
The takeaway from PLMA’s new report is that private brand sales continue to outpace national brands by a long shot.
Fifteen of the 17 food and non-food departments that Circana tracks showed store brand dollar sales increases in Q1, with double-digit achievers led by beverages (17.1%), bakery (16.8%), general food (16%) and refrigerated (15.5%). Floral, deli-prepared foods and health care saw smaller double-digit increases.
Deli cheese, general merchandise, beauty, frozen foods, produce, deli meat, liquor and health products had smaller increases. Only tobacco and meat recorded a sales decline, at 11.8% and 1.6%, respectively.
For unit sales, six departments improved, led by floral (5%), deli-prepared (2.1%) and bakery (1.8%). The final three were general merchandise, produce and liquor.
Store brands, food and non-food combined, showed market shares gain with dollar share rising to 19.1% and unit share advancing to 20.8% in Q1, up from the same time a year ago of 18.5% and 20.3%, respectively.
Store brands overall also performed better than national brands in unit sales. While unit sales dropped last year, store brands experienced a smaller dip than national brands, PLMA noted, with a similar gap in Q1. PLMA stated this product disparity is due to consumers switching from national brands to store brands.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/grocery-tv-looks-to-bigger-screens-to-grab-shoppers-attention/647534/
The new screens are designed to be easily noticed by shoppers as they walk through aisles, pass through the front perimeter or stand in line to check out, making ads visible multiple times during a single store visit, according to Grocery TV.
The company said it intends to install the screens in more stores where it provides advertising services but did not provide details about when or where it plans to place the additional screens.
Grocery TV is making the front-end displays accessible to programmatic advertising systems, which allow marketers to use software to automatically place messages in front of audiences they want to target. The company already uses that approach to allow advertisers to buy space elsewhere on its network.
The announcement follows Grocery TV’s January purchase of Mediaworks Advertising Solutions, which provides sanitizing-wipe dispensers equipped with 32-inch advertising displays for use at store entrances. Mediaworks has struck deals to put the units in stores run by grocery chains, including Schnuck Markets, Cub and Lunds & Byerlys.
In a blog post earlier this year, Grocery TV said it expects to expand its media network to all key store areas, including service departments, pharmacies and center store aisles by the end of 2023.
Grocery TV’s addition of the new screens to its array of devices designed to present advertising to shoppers comes as food retailers move to generate advertising revenue from CPGs and other marketers. Major grocers, such as Ahold Delhaize, Kroger and Albertsons, have launched their own media firms to work with brands interested in reaching the customers’ shoppers, while other companies like Cooler Screens have partnered with retailers to display advertising on screens in stores.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/canada-proposes-one-time-grocery-rebates-to-help-offset-inflation/647647/
In the face of high inflation, the Canadian government is looking to offer one-time grocery rebates to help make food more affordable, per a Thursday announcement from the office of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
The rebate, which is part of the federal government’s proposed 2023 budget, would help about 11 million “low- and modest-income” Canadians with a one-time payment that varies based on eligibility.
The rebate is structured to provide, on average, up to:
The proposal aims to support people “hardest hit by rising food prices” and is part of other measures, such as ones targeting predatory lending and lowering credit card transaction fees for small businesses, in the budget that would boost affordability for Canadians, per the press release.
“With grocery prices on the rise, we’re putting more money back into the pockets of Canadians who need it most, when they need it most,” Trudeau said in a statement. “The new Grocery Rebate, and the other measures we’ve put forward in Budget 2023, will help build an economy that works for everyone, where every Canadian family can afford to put food on the table.”
Trudeau positioned the rebate as a part of broader efforts by the Canadian government to invest in the middle class, grow the country’s economy and improve affordability.
Earlier this week, Trudeau visited Sherwood Co-op in Regina, Saskatchewan, to talk about the grocery rebate, per a local news report.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/the-friday-checkout-fresh-grocery-gaps-black-neighborhoods/647670/
The Friday Checkout is a weekly column providing more insight on the news, rounding up the announcements you may have missed and sharing what’s to come.
In looking to address food insecurity, some companies and organizations, like Instacart, have touted that expanded access to affordable e-commerce services can help residents. But a new report from the Brookings Institution aims to flesh out the “deeper and more fundamental problem” of devaluation and disinvestment fueling grocery disparities.
Across 10 metro areas analyzed, Brookings found that Black-majority block groups across four income quartiles had a lower chance of being within one mile of a premium grocery store than block groups in each of those metro areas overall. Seven of the metro areas studied had no premium grocery stores within a mile of Black-majority, high-income neighborhoods.
Meanwhile, Brookings found an overall trend of more dollar stores in Black-majority neighborhoods, but noted that the patterns in each metro area varied depending on factors like income. Areas with dollar stores tend to have a cluster of them than just one, which makes it harder for grocery stores and other small businesses to compete, per the report, which was co-authored by Research Assistant DW Rowlands, Senior Research Associate Manann Donoghoe and Senior Fellow Andre M. Perry.
Brookings did not shy away from exploring how dollar stores can harm communities: “While dollar stores can fill a need in low-income neighborhoods, they are often regarded as predatory businesses that harm communities more than they benefit them, due to very low wages, displacing other grocery options while failing to sell fresh food, store design that increases the rate of armed robberies, and OSHA and FDA violations that put customers and employees at risk.”
The report, which presumed that store type can signal economic value in a specific area, said that the prevalence of dollar stores and shortage of premium grocery stores in Black-majority neighborhoods tie into a wider problem of devaluation and underinvestment in Black communities.
People in Englewood, a predominantly Black and lower-income neighborhood in Chicago, have made similar claims in the wake of Whole Foods Market’s controversial exit last fall from the community and subsequent plans to replace the Amazon-owned premium grocer with a Save A Lot.
"When people think of Save A Lot, they cringe. So when that banner went up, people were up in arms. I cannot believe we would go from one extreme to the next," Asiaha Butler with the Residents Association of Greater Englewood told NBC Chicago.
To break out of the larger problem of devaluation and underinvestment, grocers will likely need to unite with local communities and developers to not just help their business succeed, but to also spur further investment. Locally owned stores may be a key answer, per Brookings, which noted that two local chains, Yes! Organics Market and Mom’s Organic Market in Washington, D.C., have a smaller racial disparity.
“[It may] be evidence that locally owned stores are less likely to undervalue Black neighborhoods than national chains with less familiarity with the areas where they operate,” the report said.
Albertsons links online health tool with Apple Watch
Albertsons said Thursday it is working with Apple to allow shoppers enrolled in the grocer’s newly launched Sincerely Health program who have an Apple Watch to earn points redeemable for grocery purchases for meeting their daily activity goals with the device.
Sincerely Health participants who opt to share their Apple Watch activity data with the platform will receive up to 75 points per day for closing the Move, Exercise and Stand Activity rings, while shoppers who have an iPhone but don’t have an Apple Watch can earn up to 25 points per day for closing the Move ring using the Fitness app.
Women winemakers to visit Save Mart and Lucky stores
Women vintners at a range of California wine brands will appear at tastings at select grocery stores run by The Save Mart Companies, the grocer announced Thursday. The winemakers, who represent brands including Apothic, Chandon, Joel Gott, Oak Ridge and Petaluma, will appear at numerous Save Mart and Lucky locations in California's San Francisco Bay Area and Central Valley regions from April 14 to April 23 as part of the retailer’s “Women in Wine” series.
Cub Foods workers ratify contract
Employees for the Minnesota grocery chain have approved a two-year contract, avoiding a strike that was set to start last Friday, according to a Tuesday announcement from United Food and Commercial Workers (UFCW) Local 663, which represents the workers. The deal, which the union struck with Cub Foods earlier this month, includes raises that average between $2.50 and $3.50 per hour.
That’s the annual rate of grocery inflation the U.S. economy recorded in March, continuing a string of declines in the key metric that began last year following a historic run-up, the federal government announced this week. The 8.4% level of food-at-home inflation last month represents the first time grocery prices rose more slowly than restaurant prices on an annual basis since mid-2021, CNBC noted.
Did you still believe you need a car or even a cart to carry all your groceries home? Think again. Earlier this week, this individual went viral on TikTok and is now all over Twitter for strapping groceries to a specially made vest and belt and then riding away on an electric scooter, carrying roughly a dozen grocery bags as well as a watermelon.
Man picks up Groceries on Scooter ????! pic.twitter.com/puuu4geChZ
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/grocery-inflation-drops-again-march-2023/647437/
Grocery prices and overall inflation continued to drop in March after hitting multi-decade highs last year.
In March 2022, food-at-home prices shot up at a 10% annual rate while overall inflation for that month reached 8.5%. Those figures climbed even higher as 2022 progressed.
In total, three of the six major grocery store food group indexes posted month-to-month decreases last month. The index for meats, poultry, fish and eggs decreased 1.4% in March compared to the month before, with the index for eggs, specifically, dropping 10.9%, per the BLS. Prices for fruits and vegetables declined 1.3%, while dairy and dairy-related product prices decreased 0.1%.
Meanwhile, prices for cereals and bakery products increased 0.6% compared to February, and nonalcoholic beverage prices rose 0.2%.
The index for shelter, which was the main contributor to overall inflation in March, offset a decline in the energy index, per the BLS.
Industry followers have said they expect food prices and inflation to taper but remain high this year.
“I really think and hope that we’re on track towards much more normal year-over-year food price inflation going into 2024,” Dr. Ricky Volpe, associate professor of agribusiness at Cal Poly, said last month following the release of the February CPI. “I don’t think we’ll hit it this year, but maybe next year.”
Volpe stressed that while certain commodity cost increases have been abating in recent months, it might take a while for those decrease to reach consumers.
Executives from several top grocers and retailers who sell food told their investors earlier this year that they are expecting the pace of price increases to decelerate considerably as this year continues.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/moodys-food-retailers-well-positioned-to-handle-snap-revenue-loss/647133/
SNAP benefits accounted for roughly 12% of food and beverage sales in 2022, per data from the Department of Commerce cited by Moody’s. The Center on Budget and Policy Priorities estimated that SNAP spending would fall by $3 billion per month starting in March — a more than 25% reduction — due to the temporary pandemic-related boost to SNAP benefits nationwide.
“The loss of emergency benefits comes at a particularly stressful time for consumers, who are already facing rising costs for basic needs, especially food, as the US economy slows and food inflation stays stubbornly high,” Moody’s noted.
Grocers will be the bright spot as the broader retail sector faces a negative outlook with the lowered SNAP benefit amounts, Moody’s reported.
“Since lower income consumers have a fixed amount of disposable income they will have to fill in the gap of lower SNAP benefits by spending a larger part of their income on food while spending less on other retail categories,” Moody’s noted. “This shift will cause an overall compression in margins for the retail sector as food has lower profit margins compared to other merchandise.”
Retailers like Walmart, which Moody’s estimated has an annual SNAP sales average that tops $20 billion, likely will see their margins continue to face pressure as higher food sales steal spend from other merchandise.
Grocers, on the other hand, can expect a sales increase between 3% to 4%, mainly due to higher prices, and a roughly 1% boost to their earnings this year, with trade downs to higher margin private label offset by higher labor and occupancy costs, per Moody’s estimates.
The firm noted the rise of SNAP online purchasing and recent improvements to private label have helped grocers appeal to SNAP participants and stand out from their competitors. Private label that offers consumers less expensive alternatives likely will remain key to attracting consumer seeking to lower their grocery bills, according to Moody’s. Many grocers also have repaid debts and strengthened their balance sheets, improving their financial standings, the report noted.
Grocers continue to benefit from the at-home eating trend that ramped up due to COVID-19-related health concerns and restrictions and now has pivoted into a cost-saving measure amid high food inflation and higher costs of dining out. The ongoing popularity of hybrid work and high inflation steering consumers to focus on food and other essentials instead of discretionary spending are also factors in grocers’ favor, according to Moody’s.
Meanwhile, SNAP participants received a 12.5% cost-of-living adjustment in October to help offset inflation, Moody’s noted, adding that will not fully cover the loss of emergency SNAP benefits for food retailers but will ease revenue losses.
Along with predictions on the impact the end of the emergency SNAP allotments will have on sales in the retail sector, the Moody’s report also delved into how SNAP participants spend their benefits. Roughly 40% redeem their benefits at traditional supermarkets, while 53% shop at superstores and 6% at convenience stores, per USDA data cited in the report.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/online-grocery-sales-sag-march-rising-costs-squeeze-shoppers/647422/
The findings from Brick Meets Click and Mercatus make clear that rising prices are having a strong effect on grocery e-commerce trends across the board, with people’s income playing a central role in determining their online shopping behavior.
Forty-four percent of households that placed an online grocery order for pickup or delivery from a grocery or mass merchant said the most important factor in determining the service they used was “not paying more than necessary,” according to the report, which is based on a survey of 1,742 adults the firms conducted on March 30 and March 31.
Shoppers with annual household incomes below $50,000 were 34% more likely to opt for pickup, while households earning more than $200,000 per year were twice as likely to have their order delivered, David Bishop, a partner at Brick Meets Click, said in a statement. Lower-income shoppers are especially drawn to pickup because the channel is less expensive than delivery, Bishop said.
The recent elimination of emergency SNAP benefits — provided to participants in the government-sponsored nutrition program in response to the COVID-19 pandemic — likely played a role in causing interest in pickup to decline more rapidly than it did for delivery, Brick Meets Click and Mercatus noted.
The firms also reported that the likelihood that a shopper who places an online grocery order will place another order with the same retailer during the ensuing 30 days, known as a repeat intent score, declined by nearly 3 percentage points in March compared with the same month in 2022. First-time shoppers and those in lower-income groups tended to have lower repeat intent scores than people who placed four or more online orders during the prior three months or were more affluent, according to the data.
Monthly order frequency, a key measure of people’s interest in using digital channels to buy groceries, declined in March to 2.42 — its lowest level since the onset of the pandemic in March 2020. In a reflection of the lasting impact the public health crisis has had on the grocery industry, however, that figure was still almost 20% above its pre-pandemic level.
The drop in monthly order frequency was larger among traditional grocers than it was for mass retailers like Walmart and Target, which have been grabbing market share in the online grocery space.
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Link: https://www.grocerydive.com/news/Downtown-San-Francisco-Whole-Foods-Market-closes-citing-safety-concerns/647436/
The Whole Foods Market Trinity store in downtown San Francisco has closed its doors to “ensure the safety of our Team Members,” a spokesperson for the specialty grocer said in an emailed statement Tuesday.
The spokesperson noted all staff will be transferred to other nearby locations after making the “difficult decision to close the Trinity store for the time being.” The grocer did not say if or when the store would reopen, but that it will evaluate reopening if the safety of employees can be ensured.
The 64,737-square-foot flagship store, located at Eighth and Market streets in the city’s Mid-Market neighborhood, closed its doors on April 11, a little over a year after opening in March 2022.
Reports from The San Francisco Standard cited “deteriorating street conditions” including drug use and crime as reasons for the Whole Foods closing. The local news source also reported the Trinity location cut back on operating hours due to “high theft and hostile people” in October and a month later had to limit restroom access after syringes and drug pipes were found inside.
Other national retailers have taken similar measures to protect the safety of employees. In July 2022, Starbucks said it would permanently close 16 stores due to safety issues. Six of those were in the Los Angeles area; another six in Seattle; two in Portland, Oregon; one in Philadelphia; and one in Washington, D.C., sister publication Restaurant Dive reported.
The coffee shop chain giant did not go into specifics surrounding incident reports and employee feedback regarding the 16 stores that closed. However, Starbucks had previously noted safety issues related to its open restrooms.
2023.05.08 07:08 Distribution-Radiant Fairly new to insulin - bruising?
So first off, I've only been on insulin about 2 months (so I'm still learning how all of this works, and everything I knew got thrown out the window once I got a job that put me on my feet all day). I'm using pens, and so far every injection has been into my abdomen, avoiding at least 2" around my belly button. Using 4mm/32g tips; mostly Walmart's Relion tips, but occasionally some from a local grocery store that are probably roughly the same quality (and price) as Relion (I work long hours and can't usually make it to Walmart before the pharmacy closes; and yes, I'm using the OTC insulin until insurance kicks in).
Most of the time, I barely feel it. Every now and then, it stings like a mofo the moment the needle hits my skin, and I wind up with a bruise. Brand of tips doesn't seem to matter. How well I clean the site doesn't seem to matter. Just randomly, it'll sting like hell, though I don't feel the actual insulin injection, just the needle going in and out.
What am I doing wrong? Is it just crappy needle tips? Are they too short? I'm uninsured at the moment, hence why Walmart is in the picture. I do have the typical "dad bod" in that I have a bit of a belly, though I don't think that's the issue.
I don't really have any decent sites to use aside from my abdomen; my arms are pretty skinny, I'm afraid the needles would just go right into muscle. Since I'm having to do injections at work a bit before the two meals I eat there, I can't really do thighs or butt unless I take some time to go to the restroom (as it is, I can discreetly do an ab injection in the cafeteria; going to the private restroom would eat into my meal time).
submitted by Distribution-Radiant to diabetes [link] [comments]
Most of the time, I barely feel it. Every now and then, it stings like a mofo the moment the needle hits my skin, and I wind up with a bruise. Brand of tips doesn't seem to matter. How well I clean the site doesn't seem to matter. Just randomly, it'll sting like hell, though I don't feel the actual insulin injection, just the needle going in and out.
What am I doing wrong? Is it just crappy needle tips? Are they too short? I'm uninsured at the moment, hence why Walmart is in the picture. I do have the typical "dad bod" in that I have a bit of a belly, though I don't think that's the issue.
I don't really have any decent sites to use aside from my abdomen; my arms are pretty skinny, I'm afraid the needles would just go right into muscle. Since I'm having to do injections at work a bit before the two meals I eat there, I can't really do thighs or butt unless I take some time to go to the restroom (as it is, I can discreetly do an ab injection in the cafeteria; going to the private restroom would eat into my meal time).
2023.05.06 18:51 realCalendarHours Walmart Pharmacy Hours Today
 | submitted by realCalendarHours to u/realCalendarHours [link] [comments] |
2023.04.29 18:55 RamTuff4bi4 If one "expletive" judge orders over 600 million for 2 counties, what will happen to us down the road?
Its a long rant, but i hadnto vent because its not just ccs "killing us, its the justice system wait no usually all it takes is just 1 stupid judge) Because of the opioid epidemic judge Dan Polster awarded 2 Ohio counties over 600 million which causes CVS to cover over 80 million. I'm not defending cvs by any means but I do believe pharmacies are to dispense drugs doctors order. They didn't push it on their own so the responsibility should be way less than the doctors writing it, yet Noone is going after the docs just big deep pocket companies. Not realizing they are slowly killing the pharmacy workforce. Everyone knows that money has to come from somewhere and always always always workers are the first to go. Layoffs, huge cut in hours other cuts in basic operation costs. There are thousands of counties and to cover verdicts like that CVS, Walgreens, Walmart, riteaid don't have enough money to cover even percentage of that. They can go belly up. More likely it won't happen but many more settlements and verdicts are coming and stupid judges allowing it.....cvs is in for big monetary loses and we employees know too well it will come out of our pockets. So maybe those moronic judges that get paid from our tax dollars should stop and think about the damage they cause to us NOW, not what happened 10, 20 years ago.Realize a cashier mother can't feed her baby, while one Ohio county orders several top of the line 70k police xruisers/jeeps. Our judicial system is the most unjust and how is it that 1 person can make a decision for entire nation? (Texas abortion pill judgment) that's not democracy. Even Putin doesn't have that much power. Sorry for my rant Just had to vent.
submitted by RamTuff4bi4 to CVS [link] [comments]
2023.04.29 06:22 RelaxNeptune Promoted To Customer
I got a job offer at an office! So happy to be finally out of retail and away from CVS!! A job where I don't have to worry about the ac breaking down every summer, no more having to answer stupid pharmacy questions about medicine, or questions do we carry something Walgreens/Walmart has, no more picking up behind badass kids running amuck in the store, no more cleaning shit off of walls, no more totes with mysterious liquid, no more getting yelled at about coupons, no more being alone for hours, no more do you work here. (what else did I miss?) I'll miss my coworkers but CVS CEO and upper management can suck my big toe!!!
Its a pay cut but with the hours CVS is giving now it doesn't even matter.
submitted by RelaxNeptune to CVS [link] [comments]
Its a pay cut but with the hours CVS is giving now it doesn't even matter.
2023.04.28 16:22 feigndeaf (US) Multi-state Travel: Is my Doctor correct?
Tldr: Can a prescriber send a prescription for a controlled stimulant to a pharmacy out of state? Is there a way to transfer from one pharmacy to another out of state without involving doctor?
I have googled. I've read the not so easy to understand laws in both states. I have asked my doctor. I have spent hours on the phone trying to find a second doctor at my 2nd home. I am aware the laws are changing post-pandemic which makes it even more confusing. I cannot find a good answer, and hoping someone here has experience with Multi-state living or traveling fulltime.
Our family travels for work, primarily living in two states, FL and ME. We live full-time in an RV. We are legal residents in FL and seasonal residents in ME. My prescriber is an in-person mental health nurse practitioner in FL. I have tried for months to get a doctor in ME but everyone had a waitlist of 9+ months. Up until recently I just had an SSRI which I could have teladoc fill or I'd have PCP send to FL Walmart and I'd transfer to ME in the app.
My FL prescriber has told me that he can only send the stimulant prescription to a pharmacy within 50 miles of his office. Even when he gave me a paper script, he said I had to fill it within 50 miles. Knowing that I was leaving for the season, he gave me one paper prescription to fill before I left. If I cut my pills in half and only take them on absolutely necessary days I can make it through the next few months but it's not nearly as effective. I tried to use the mail order pharmacy through my insurance thinking they would send to me anywhere, but they have been out of stock with no end in sight.
I do both in person and teledoc with my prescriber. Is he lying that he can only send it within 50 miles? I thought their controlled substance license was federal?
Is there ANY option I have here to get my medication? I know it's illegal to mail, so I don't want to have family pick up and send if it's going to get someone in trouble. I'm really trying to do this the right way.
submitted by feigndeaf to ADHD [link] [comments]
I have googled. I've read the not so easy to understand laws in both states. I have asked my doctor. I have spent hours on the phone trying to find a second doctor at my 2nd home. I am aware the laws are changing post-pandemic which makes it even more confusing. I cannot find a good answer, and hoping someone here has experience with Multi-state living or traveling fulltime.
Our family travels for work, primarily living in two states, FL and ME. We live full-time in an RV. We are legal residents in FL and seasonal residents in ME. My prescriber is an in-person mental health nurse practitioner in FL. I have tried for months to get a doctor in ME but everyone had a waitlist of 9+ months. Up until recently I just had an SSRI which I could have teladoc fill or I'd have PCP send to FL Walmart and I'd transfer to ME in the app.
My FL prescriber has told me that he can only send the stimulant prescription to a pharmacy within 50 miles of his office. Even when he gave me a paper script, he said I had to fill it within 50 miles. Knowing that I was leaving for the season, he gave me one paper prescription to fill before I left. If I cut my pills in half and only take them on absolutely necessary days I can make it through the next few months but it's not nearly as effective. I tried to use the mail order pharmacy through my insurance thinking they would send to me anywhere, but they have been out of stock with no end in sight.
I do both in person and teledoc with my prescriber. Is he lying that he can only send it within 50 miles? I thought their controlled substance license was federal?
Is there ANY option I have here to get my medication? I know it's illegal to mail, so I don't want to have family pick up and send if it's going to get someone in trouble. I'm really trying to do this the right way.
2023.04.28 07:13 NickyNice I've hit rock bottom for the last time, enough is enough. Please give me words of encouragement in this time of need.
I'm tired of living a life of mediocrity. Maybe I am putting myself on blast in this post but I deserve it. I am 29 years old and have lived a life of financial irresponsibility. While things could be worse, things are not great. When your finances are looking like this.... what do you do? Start charging up the credit card? Borrow money in some other way? Fuck that, I am tired of living my life like this (The CC's were already burned in a bonfire btw).
I have recently started watching Caleb Hammer and this is not an advertisement for him but he has really opened my eyes. I have lived my life as a child spending money whenever I want, wherever I want, essentially throwing my money in the garbage when you really look at it. Throwing money at addictions to nicotine, marijuana, fast food, video games, Jeff Bezos, impressing whichever gf at the time....you name it.
I have $17k in various debts: $1.5k 0% interest CC until 9/2023, 3.5k owed to Dad 5% interest, 7.5k owed to 401k Loan. 10% interest (Kill me), 3.5k owed to student debt unknown interest until 9/2023, $1k owed to Best Buy CC 0% interest until 4/2024. My car is a 2012 Nissan Maxima which I paid cash for several years ago.
Not the worst debt in the world I guess, but its debt and I hate it. Almost every nice thing I own I couldn't afford when I bought it. I have had my Dad bail me out of so much high interest debt its fucking ridiculous. Not everyone has that crutch and I am such a fool for relying on that throughout my life. I always pay him back but a bailout is a bailout nonetheless. Right now I owe him 3.5k because he bailed me out of a higher interest personal loan, which I borrowed in the first place to pay off $12k worth of worthless consumer CC debt....so I think you can get the picture of how I have lived my financial life.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING MY LIFE FINANCIALLY LIKE A CHILD. And I will admit that I have acted like a child the entire time. A fuse has been lit and here is my game-plan:
Currently I make $2.5k per month which does not give me any wiggle room to pay debt, I can afford like $500 a month and that's with an EXTREMELY frugal, near impossible, budget. Luckily I work in retail pharmacy which is a high turnover industry and I can pickup OT at other stores pretty much whenever I want because there is always at least one store struggling and willing to pay OT. I have calculated that with 20 hours of OT per week I can double my post tax/contribution income to $5k. This would only be two 10 hour shifts added to my existing four 10 hour shifts. That's still an entire day in the week I could work OT if I can find it and am willing.
Here is my budget making $5k. There is nothing in there for Bezos, there is nothing in there for McDonalds, there is nothing in there for Blizzard, etc etc. With this budget I can have my $17k worth of debt paid off in 7-8 months and get started on actually building my financial future. Currently I am 29 with a $7k car and $20k in a 401k (with 7k borrowed against it mind you). I am ready to actual build my future. I want to get on a 50% needs, 30% investment, 20% wants monthly budget for the rest of my life. I am ready for that to start NOW, but I need to get through this 7 months of hard work first.
Now comes why I made this post..... My GF thinks I am crazy (although she is still supportive and knows I am sticking to this plan no matter what she says), and I just got off the phone with my Dad who also thinks I am crazy. He thinks I will burnout, thinks I should just take it slow and pay off the debt in 2+ years while I look for Software Engineer work as a complete beginner with only a useless BS in Computer Science and no professional experience. The job hunt has proven challenging because I am no expert (I cant immerse myself in coding 24/7.... I spend most of my life at fucking Walmart counting pills), and I can't rely on getting that job immediately. I think I need to focus on this OT BUSTING MY ASS plan instead... then after all the debt is paid I can buckle down on personal development projects and build a portfolio for my future career as a Software Engineer. I think its more important to start the investing now since I am already late.
I know this post is long and maybe I am rambling a bit in some areas, but there is still so much I feel like I want to say though. Let me end it by saying that I have spent 600 hours in the past 6 months logged into World of Warcraft which multiplied by my OT pay rate is $20k pre-tax. That is absolutely insane to think about how the time I wasted in the past 6 months on WoW could have paid off my entire debt, just wow. Thanks for reading, I appreciate any kind words you all have.
submitted by NickyNice to personalfinance [link] [comments]
I have recently started watching Caleb Hammer and this is not an advertisement for him but he has really opened my eyes. I have lived my life as a child spending money whenever I want, wherever I want, essentially throwing my money in the garbage when you really look at it. Throwing money at addictions to nicotine, marijuana, fast food, video games, Jeff Bezos, impressing whichever gf at the time....you name it.
I have $17k in various debts: $1.5k 0% interest CC until 9/2023, 3.5k owed to Dad 5% interest, 7.5k owed to 401k Loan. 10% interest (Kill me), 3.5k owed to student debt unknown interest until 9/2023, $1k owed to Best Buy CC 0% interest until 4/2024. My car is a 2012 Nissan Maxima which I paid cash for several years ago.
Not the worst debt in the world I guess, but its debt and I hate it. Almost every nice thing I own I couldn't afford when I bought it. I have had my Dad bail me out of so much high interest debt its fucking ridiculous. Not everyone has that crutch and I am such a fool for relying on that throughout my life. I always pay him back but a bailout is a bailout nonetheless. Right now I owe him 3.5k because he bailed me out of a higher interest personal loan, which I borrowed in the first place to pay off $12k worth of worthless consumer CC debt....so I think you can get the picture of how I have lived my financial life.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF LIVING MY LIFE FINANCIALLY LIKE A CHILD. And I will admit that I have acted like a child the entire time. A fuse has been lit and here is my game-plan:
Currently I make $2.5k per month which does not give me any wiggle room to pay debt, I can afford like $500 a month and that's with an EXTREMELY frugal, near impossible, budget. Luckily I work in retail pharmacy which is a high turnover industry and I can pickup OT at other stores pretty much whenever I want because there is always at least one store struggling and willing to pay OT. I have calculated that with 20 hours of OT per week I can double my post tax/contribution income to $5k. This would only be two 10 hour shifts added to my existing four 10 hour shifts. That's still an entire day in the week I could work OT if I can find it and am willing.
Here is my budget making $5k. There is nothing in there for Bezos, there is nothing in there for McDonalds, there is nothing in there for Blizzard, etc etc. With this budget I can have my $17k worth of debt paid off in 7-8 months and get started on actually building my financial future. Currently I am 29 with a $7k car and $20k in a 401k (with 7k borrowed against it mind you). I am ready to actual build my future. I want to get on a 50% needs, 30% investment, 20% wants monthly budget for the rest of my life. I am ready for that to start NOW, but I need to get through this 7 months of hard work first.
Now comes why I made this post..... My GF thinks I am crazy (although she is still supportive and knows I am sticking to this plan no matter what she says), and I just got off the phone with my Dad who also thinks I am crazy. He thinks I will burnout, thinks I should just take it slow and pay off the debt in 2+ years while I look for Software Engineer work as a complete beginner with only a useless BS in Computer Science and no professional experience. The job hunt has proven challenging because I am no expert (I cant immerse myself in coding 24/7.... I spend most of my life at fucking Walmart counting pills), and I can't rely on getting that job immediately. I think I need to focus on this OT BUSTING MY ASS plan instead... then after all the debt is paid I can buckle down on personal development projects and build a portfolio for my future career as a Software Engineer. I think its more important to start the investing now since I am already late.
I know this post is long and maybe I am rambling a bit in some areas, but there is still so much I feel like I want to say though. Let me end it by saying that I have spent 600 hours in the past 6 months logged into World of Warcraft which multiplied by my OT pay rate is $20k pre-tax. That is absolutely insane to think about how the time I wasted in the past 6 months on WoW could have paid off my entire debt, just wow. Thanks for reading, I appreciate any kind words you all have.
2023.04.28 01:01 Talesfromthescript11 Walmart Staff Position
I just accepted a full time staff pharmacist position for Walmart pharmacy and the pay is $62/hour which is more than I thought I would get. This is my first job and I'm super nervous about getting started. I will be working 80 hours every 2 weeks and my training period will be 2 weeks long. Can anyone who has worked for Walmart tell me the usual schedule like will I work every other weekend/how many days per week I will usually work and what the training is like? I asked these questions during the interview but they were a little vague about it. Thanks for any insight!
submitted by Talesfromthescript11 to pharmacy [link] [comments]
2023.04.26 21:32 PeaceyCaliSoCal ACCUTANE LIPS- PRODUCTS I TRIED AND WHAT WORKED (Dry, chapped, sore, cracking)
I'm in my second month of treatment and the dry lips thing is getting intolerable. My lips are cracking, peeling, sore and super dry. The dryness, cracking and peeling are on a whole 'nother level. Its not the same as dryness from the weather or climate and the cracking is not the same as winter weather cracking. I've scoured the internet for solutions, read the suggestions and started my trial and error. I ran out and got all of these product if I didn't already have them on hand. So this is super recent info. Here's my experience. FYI: I'm in the US and found that where you live may make a difference in what brands/products are readily available to you in local stores.
Aquaphor Lip: The taste was awful and a "NO"-brainer. Yuck!
⭐️Laniege Lip Sleeping Mask: Feels good, pleasant smell, softens, but didn't provide relief for soreness and didn't heal cracks. Only found it available through Amazon and in my Sephora stores. (A keeper)
Burt's Bee Lip Balm: No Relief
Burt's Bee Overnight Intensive Lip Treatment: Minimal short term relief. Relief was not long lasting and product doesn't stay on lips long. No smell and no taste. (Could take it or leave it)
Nuxe Réve de Miel Honey Lip Balm: softens lips, didn't provide relief from the soreness or heal the cracks. Negative:Not sold in US stores. Tip: Bring it home in a French Pharmacy haul. (Could take it or leave it.)
Dior Addict Lip Glow Balm: Pretty, just pretty. And pretty pricey. For beauty, not a treatment. I'll keep it in makeup bag.)
Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula: Softens, but no relief from soreness. (Has many other uses, so I keep it around)
EOS Lip Balm: "Next!" (Pass)
Blistex: "Next!" (Pass)
Carmex: "Next!" (Pass)
❣️Lanolips 101 The Original Multipurpose Superbalm: (I skipped trying their line of regular, tinted lip balms). Ding, Ding, Ding, We have a winner. I was hesitant to try it because many reviews stated that it was too thick and tacky. Desperate times, yada, yada. I'm desperate, so I bought it. This formula is very thick and even needs a lot of pressure to press it from the tube, I didn't think it was tacky though. I bought the product at 10:30 A.M., placed a SPECK of product on my lips immediately, let it melt a little and then smeared it all over my lips. I could feel the difference instantly. No lie. My lips started to soften. The dryness was eased right away. A few hours later the cracks weren't as sore. Okayyyyy?!?!!! Now we are getting somewhere. There is no smell and no taste. It doesn't require frequent application (probably because of the thickness). By bedtime, I was impressed. (Absolutely a keeper) Pros: It is easily transportable in a pocket or purse. A little goes a long, long, way. Has multipurpose uses. Cons: Pricier than the average lip balm, but it is more than a lip balm; not readily available in the US. I found mine only in Ulta and the stock was very low. (I bought the last one.)
😃Cerave Healing Ointment: Couldn't find the lip specific formula, but this worked well. Also provided relief and didn't need to reapply it every few minutes. No smell, no taste. Pros: Multipurpose use, inexpensive. Cons: Not the most convenient size to carry around.
😃Vaseline Lip Therapy (Rosy Mini) No smell, no taste. Provides some relief, but I found it wore off quickly. Compared to the Lanolips and Cerave Ointment, it is a thinner consistency. Loved the mini size, great for purse, pocket, toiletry bag, etc. Easily found in most drugstore and Walmart and inexpensive. Adds a slight tint that looks natural. It didn't produce the same results as the Lanolips, or Cerave, but it works in a pinch.
Nivea Lip Care: Basic lip balm, provided some softening, but no relief from soreness or dryness caused by Accutane. Needed frequent application. Con: has a slightly off taste.
❣️So, the recipe that has worked for me: At night I applied the Laniege Sleeping Mask, and waited a few minutes, 10 or so. Then I applied a layer of Lanolips over that. This morning results: soft lips, no peeling, no soreness and the crack in my bottom lip is not as obvious. Throughout the day, I am applying Lanolips, letting it sit and a few minutes later applying a think layer of Cerave Ointment. Ahhhhh. Lips feel much better. I am not needing to lick them constantly and I finally have relief. So, not 1 product was enough for me. This combo of products is what is doing the trick. I keep a tube of Lanolips in my purse and one by my bedside. (Thinking of grabbing a few more to scatter around the house, my cars and my travel bag.)
Something else I tried: Applied very thin layer of the La Roche-Posay Lipikar Balm AP+ Body and Face, waited a few minutes and then applied a layer of Cerave ointment. That also worked well. Con: The balm has a slightly bitter taste, but if applied before bed it probably won't bother you.
submitted by PeaceyCaliSoCal to Accutane [link] [comments]
Aquaphor Lip: The taste was awful and a "NO"-brainer. Yuck!
⭐️Laniege Lip Sleeping Mask: Feels good, pleasant smell, softens, but didn't provide relief for soreness and didn't heal cracks. Only found it available through Amazon and in my Sephora stores. (A keeper)
Burt's Bee Lip Balm: No Relief
Burt's Bee Overnight Intensive Lip Treatment: Minimal short term relief. Relief was not long lasting and product doesn't stay on lips long. No smell and no taste. (Could take it or leave it)
Nuxe Réve de Miel Honey Lip Balm: softens lips, didn't provide relief from the soreness or heal the cracks. Negative:Not sold in US stores. Tip: Bring it home in a French Pharmacy haul. (Could take it or leave it.)
Dior Addict Lip Glow Balm: Pretty, just pretty. And pretty pricey. For beauty, not a treatment. I'll keep it in makeup bag.)
Palmer's Cocoa Butter Formula: Softens, but no relief from soreness. (Has many other uses, so I keep it around)
EOS Lip Balm: "Next!" (Pass)
Blistex: "Next!" (Pass)
Carmex: "Next!" (Pass)
❣️Lanolips 101 The Original Multipurpose Superbalm: (I skipped trying their line of regular, tinted lip balms). Ding, Ding, Ding, We have a winner. I was hesitant to try it because many reviews stated that it was too thick and tacky. Desperate times, yada, yada. I'm desperate, so I bought it. This formula is very thick and even needs a lot of pressure to press it from the tube, I didn't think it was tacky though. I bought the product at 10:30 A.M., placed a SPECK of product on my lips immediately, let it melt a little and then smeared it all over my lips. I could feel the difference instantly. No lie. My lips started to soften. The dryness was eased right away. A few hours later the cracks weren't as sore. Okayyyyy?!?!!! Now we are getting somewhere. There is no smell and no taste. It doesn't require frequent application (probably because of the thickness). By bedtime, I was impressed. (Absolutely a keeper) Pros: It is easily transportable in a pocket or purse. A little goes a long, long, way. Has multipurpose uses. Cons: Pricier than the average lip balm, but it is more than a lip balm; not readily available in the US. I found mine only in Ulta and the stock was very low. (I bought the last one.)
😃Cerave Healing Ointment: Couldn't find the lip specific formula, but this worked well. Also provided relief and didn't need to reapply it every few minutes. No smell, no taste. Pros: Multipurpose use, inexpensive. Cons: Not the most convenient size to carry around.
😃Vaseline Lip Therapy (Rosy Mini) No smell, no taste. Provides some relief, but I found it wore off quickly. Compared to the Lanolips and Cerave Ointment, it is a thinner consistency. Loved the mini size, great for purse, pocket, toiletry bag, etc. Easily found in most drugstore and Walmart and inexpensive. Adds a slight tint that looks natural. It didn't produce the same results as the Lanolips, or Cerave, but it works in a pinch.
Nivea Lip Care: Basic lip balm, provided some softening, but no relief from soreness or dryness caused by Accutane. Needed frequent application. Con: has a slightly off taste.
❣️So, the recipe that has worked for me: At night I applied the Laniege Sleeping Mask, and waited a few minutes, 10 or so. Then I applied a layer of Lanolips over that. This morning results: soft lips, no peeling, no soreness and the crack in my bottom lip is not as obvious. Throughout the day, I am applying Lanolips, letting it sit and a few minutes later applying a think layer of Cerave Ointment. Ahhhhh. Lips feel much better. I am not needing to lick them constantly and I finally have relief. So, not 1 product was enough for me. This combo of products is what is doing the trick. I keep a tube of Lanolips in my purse and one by my bedside. (Thinking of grabbing a few more to scatter around the house, my cars and my travel bag.)
Something else I tried: Applied very thin layer of the La Roche-Posay Lipikar Balm AP+ Body and Face, waited a few minutes and then applied a layer of Cerave ointment. That also worked well. Con: The balm has a slightly bitter taste, but if applied before bed it probably won't bother you.